Fuck Sake

You still own not only my heart but my soul. You still dominate my thoughts, my dreams and I get the feeling that I will always love you. Even when something funny happens I still turn as if to tell you, let you in on the joke, laugh about it with you. I hope that one day it will fade enough for me to have a future with someone else. I’m still so angry as well though and I think its because you had my trust. You were the first person I really trusted, the first person I gave myself completely to, the first person I knew in my heart of hearts would never hurt me and then you did and I am so angry that I put myself in that position. I don’t know if I ever will again.

God, it really really hurts still. I don’t know why I’m thinking about it more recently, I don’t know why I’m still letting it affect me. I still love you and I hate myself for it. I hate you for it because only you can make it better! So where are you?

Where the fuck are you?

Yaaaaaaay!

Managed to find another ipod to replace mine for a mere £40, got a wall charger so can reset it and it should be here within a few days! So excited, have been missing my ipod LOADS! Also managed to get mum’s birthday presents so now I don’t need to be all worried about that in June and I know she’ll really like them so yay!

Sort of stopped taking my anti moaning pills and have been feeling a little extra moody and shite basically so am going to get a refill on my prescription tomorrow and stick to taking them this time. I was sort of experimenting, seeing if not taking them made a difference to taking them and that was sort of a fail aha but now I know.

Going to be a busy week at uni this week, need to get on the revision, finish diss proposal and send in my options. Busy busy!

Every night for the past week I’ve been having the same sort of random dream. I’ll be in a room with ex mr chop and we are full on fighting with each other, complete screaming match about what he did and how its affected me, how much I hate him and then he’s just as angry with me and I wake up so confused! I know its not real cause it was only a dream but from the things he has said to me since we split he really made it seem like I did something really wrong and he was really mad at me as well and its like my head is firstly saying all the things I’ve wanted to say to him and also work out why he would be angry with me??

Last night was a weird one though, I was dreaming that someone was next to me in bed and was whispering in my ear which woke me up. Don’t know who but I was really convinced they were there and actually rolled over to check. Ohhh maybe its the house ghost playing tricks on me……

Back to revision

Spark

Went to this random cafe in Boscombe with moo today and there was this guy working there and oh my god seriously could not stop staring at him and he was so nice, smiley, chatty and cute. Said that we made his day and asked if we would stick around to keep him amused and did I mention his gorgeous smile?! I was so close to giving him my number but totally chickened out so were going to go for lunch there next week and I’m going to suck it up, grow some balls and try and get a date with him. Or at least find out his name aha.

Seriously, haven’t felt that spark with someone in sooooo long! I’m just so happy that as screwed as I am, as much as I miss ex mr chop, as much as the ex ex thing is kind of random, I can still feel the spark. And its put an actual smile on my face!

Had an awesome night/day with moochop, lovelove her

Thank You Vuze

Due to the death of my pod I have had to remember the 90% of the music on it that I ‘borrowed’ from people and download it myself. I have been doing this since yesterday afternoon and I still have around 100 albums left to do (maybe a bit more) and only 3gb left to play with. I have come to the realisation that I really am going to have to invest in an external drive to put everything on and am going to need another classic pod and not a flimsy touch.

I thought the depression tabs were working. I certainly seem a lot happier and like I have a sense of humour again. But I keep having these little meltdowns at night, like the smallest thing will set me off. For example, I was going through my old laptop last night trying to see if it would still work and if I could get my itunes running and there was all this old stuff to do with ex mr chop and the ex ex; pictures and diary entries and old msn conversations. The other night it wasn’t anything in particular, I just had an episode. I’m just hoping that I’m not developing a resistance to the pills already!

Had a very public display sunday evening. Was fun, always nice to get to the beach aha. I just feel like maybe this isn’t me; I don’t want to be responsible for hurting anyone, I don’t want to think of myself as a bit of a slag, I don’t want to be seen as a bit of a slag. I don’t want anything relationship wise from him anymore which is really good cause otherwise I could see me getting very very hurt but I do think I feel a sort of possession? I don’t want them to move in to a place together, I don’t want them to get married but at the same time I think he should have a healthy relationship with her and do those things because I don’t want those things anymore. I don’t mean just with him but with anyone; I’m still to messed up over ex mr chop and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I guess I’m thinking that if he needs to be in a relationship I should be the friend I feel I am and help with that instead of helping to mess it up.

But then that means losing whatever it is that were doing which is something I look forward to and enjoy. So I suppose it all depends on how selfish I am and do I stay selfish or do I practice a bit of will power for a change and earn back some karmic points? I’m only questioning this cause after a mass chat with moo she made some really good points like how long is this going to go on for? Cause it seems like it could go on forever and really, how practical is that? And also, yeah of course she’s worried about me but also what about him? Is it messing with his head? Or is it really just black and white to him, love her and sex with me? From the things he’s said about feeling all trapped and how everyone wants a piece of him I just feel like I’m taking up time and energy he could be using to concentrate on the life he’s choosing to live in or even time and energy he could be using to concentrate on himself.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh beach break is soooooooooooooooooo close!!!

Ode To My iPod

Oh ipod, how I shall miss thee; thy sweet choice of tunes filled my days with endless joy and thine playlists were musical perfection. I will never know why thou hast deserted me but know this dear dear 20gb classic pod….I shall be replacing thee with a new 32gb ipod touch, so go suck on that.

Seriously though, totally gutted, mainly cause 90% of my music I’ve scavenged from other people’s itunes and will now have to either buy or download myself. Ergh, efffffort! And now this means I can’t go running in the morning cause I have no source of motivation. Shame, aha

Make Some Noise…Please?

I use to really enjoy a bit of quiet. I would relish the silence of being in my own little world and would rather lose myself in a book or magazine and just be. I use to love my me time and would get grouchy if I didn’t get it.

I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be alone in my head anymore, I don’t like the quiet, I hate being on my own. I can’t even stand adverts, I have to keep my mind busy doing anything to avoid adverts. There has to always be something going on, something in the background, a T.V program, a film, music and a book; never just a book anymore, I don’t have the same concentration for reading anymore so if I stop, I need something to occupy my mind before I start using it.

Thats the worst thing, I can’t…..picture the stories in my head anymore. I loved to read because when I read, I become involved in that world, I am a part of it, I am the heroine, the villain, the lost, the saved. I could see each chapter evolve and unravel and I don’t care how much of a geek I sound, reading was a source of fun and pleasure. I haven’t been able to read like that in months and months and months. I’ve tried, I’ve read new books, old books, recent favourites, older favourites, favourites from years ago, favourites from when I was a lot younger. But its not the same; the best way to explain it is I feel like I’m reading like a…normal person does, someone who doesn’t read for pleasure but maybe just because they’re really bored and they’re stuck somewhere without a T.V or console. I can’t even hear the different voices of the characters anymore.

This is why I can’t sleep. I can’t have quiet otherwise my mind goes in to overdrive but its really hard to fall asleep with the T.V on. I’ve been trying to just keep it off and let my mind drift and that works every so often unless I wake up. Like last night, couldn’t fall asleep till about 2am but then I woke up at half4am and just could not convince my mind to let me go back to sleep. I started thinking to hard about things I haven’t let myself really look at yet; this apparently happens when you subconsciously feel ready to tackle things your mind was protecting you from. I just wish my subconscious would do this during the day as my conscious self is to tired to deal with these things at 4am.

Mmmmm might try and take a nap before I literally take off someone’s head; I am one CRABBY girl today aha

Time Is Not My Friend

I’m looking forward to the summer. I’m looking forward to beach break and spain (hopefully) and working and seeing people and beach.

I’m also dreading it. I’m dreading coming closer and closer to the time of my heartbreak. Next month will be when he first broke up with me and then told me he would never ever hurt me like that again. And then I’ll miss him at beach break. And then July will roll around and I’ll be thinking about how thats when we were together in America. And then august 8th will come about, the day he walked out and I just stopped.

I think back to this time last year and I was so happy I was blissful. BBQs, splashdown, pink, alton towers, mini BBQs with dan, lunches on the beach, making dinners, funki sushi, harvester. Just being so chilled, so relaxed, so…in love. And now what am I? Lonely I suppose. I have my friends and I love them all to death, I just miss the man cuddles and being in bed next to someone and getting the butterflies when you kiss.

I guess I just miss the butterflies

Like Shopping But Cheaper

Was having a sort through the loft yesterday and found two whole bags of clothes I’d put up there and totally forgotten about which is awesome cause it feels like I have a whole new wardrobe without having to actually spend any money! Win!

Ergh so had a ‘man’ rant the other day. Its cause I have some very close friends all going through the exact same shit with their guys and its driving me mad cause (from an outsiders perspective) there is just no need for it!! And then (I know that this next sentence is going to make me seem retarded, I am well aware) but after all these celebs coming out as cheating on their wives it really makes me feel like giving up!! If these gorgeous friends of mine and these glamourous celeb women can’t get it right and are still capable of being cheated on, what chance do mere fucked up mortals like myself have?? So thats why the rant. I do realise that women create problems as well but it just seems like its so much easier for the guy to just give up and leave. Although I suppose sometimes it takes more strength and courage to leave than to stay. Whatever, relationships suck and I’m just going to become a nun aha.

Thinking about that though, I swear God is like the ultimate Mormon pimp. He has all these women (nuns) all over the world who are 100% dedicated to him and only him, living by his rules and not bitching about it, who don’t have sex with any guys, who give up everything for him….Serious pimp like behaviour right there. I don’t think I do want to be a nun then, I’m not really a ‘devote my whole life to one man forever without the benefits of hot monogamous sex or dinners out’ kind of girl.

Maybe a lesbian?

Rant

Men are retarded. Seriously. They never know when they have it good, they never appreciate it when someone genuinely cares about them, they rarely consider themselves to be lucky bastards who would do anything to keep this special person in their life. They behave like children when they don’t get their own way, they expect everything to be sweetness and light 24/7 and the SECOND things get a little choppy, they bail, they hide, they ignore, they lie, they avoid. Instead of being HONEST and dealing with a problem HEAD ON they pussy out, exacerbate situations and then have the AUDACITY to turn it all on to the girl as her fault, her issues, her problems. Men of the world, SUCK IT UP, GROW SOME BALLS. Shit fucking happens, that doesn’t mean you turn tail and run. Us ‘silly emotional’ women are worth the fight, we’re worth the aggro, we’re worth going through the shit for and coming out the other side! Nothing worth having is ever easy.

So just fucking deal with it

Happy Zombie Day (Essentially What Easter Is About)

Erghhhhhh have just spent easter day in the hospital being pumped full of fluids and potassium and insulin, drips in both arms, oxygen mask, fluid painkillers and anti nausea medicine they usually reserve for cancer patients. I had moments where I was in so much pain I couldn’t stop shaking and a crappy few minutes where I couldn’t control the crying (which I’ve gotten really really good at, I hardly ever cry in front of people anymore). I was blessed by a vicar whilst in recuss (his wife fainted during his easter sunday morning sermon and when she was taken for an xray he decided to come over and tell mum not to worry about me as it was all in God’s hands now. Thanks mr vicar man!), I had my insulin stopped instead of my empty fluids bag (bad seeing as I was on a sliding scale) AND the IV I had in my right arm just randomly FELL OUT.

So basically a standard day really. Aha. Feel like crap but better than the shit I felt earlier, just really tired from all the prodding and body going from high alert to normal again.

I feel like I’m waiting for another email or something from ex mr chop. Waiting or hoping? I’m not really sure. For him to say what I’m not really sure either. Moo asked if he asked to meet up for a drink would I and I honestly don’t know. I would want to I think but I am so wary about even thinking of something like that happening because of all the other times he’s been in touch and its just gotten me hoping and ended with me being upset and hurt again. To be honest I don’t think actually seeing each other or anything was the point of him getting in touch, I literally think he just wanted things to be civil so if in another 7 or 8 months we see each other, we can at least not have to pretend not to see each other. Basically I’m hopeful that him getting in touch will actually lead to something but I’m extremely doubtful that it will and when it doesn’t yes I will be disappointed but not overly surprised. And I’ll get over it just like I have every other time