The perilous tides of academics have once more sweetly called my name and I am back within the walls of knowledge in the pursuit of the dream!
This summer has been ridiculous. Full time as a GSH in Alaska, up at 2-3am every day, trying to juggle family, friends, the job, saving, bills, the ever changing feelings for the boyf, the abortion, the homesickness, the fear of the future and everything in between. I’ve written more private than public posts recently in an attempt to shelter the deepest and darkest places within (and because I have become aware of some snoopers. Suffice to say, good at keeping my secret identity secret I am not). I have been exhausted by life and for some reason I thought the end of the so called summer would bring a respite; alas it is not meant to be.
I am thoroughly loving my classes, albeit slightly terrified that I have lost all mental capacity over the summer and will fail every single one. I am taking classes I paid no attention to in my former life and it has been amazing what the brain attains of what was thought lost. Fancy way of saying I am remembering shit. I would call week one a marginal success with definiate room for improvement. Although am impressed with self that as busy as I have been and with as little time spent in the home, I have kept up with expected responsibilities and have yet to be yelled at. I’m sure that time will come…
Just once eensy little minor upset (of which I am blaming for the setback of a completely successful week), and that would be the boyfriend.
I have never had to experience a time where it was obvious to all that I cared vastly more for a guy than he does for me. Its really sad actually; I have all this poetry that is withering, like a glorious sunflower which is going to rot. The fact I care more is not what is bothering me but rather the fact of the very little I ask for which is going unheeded. I am told I am important and cared for, the only person whom he can be himself and honest with. I am also told that he doesn’t really know what he feels or wants and I am constantly reminded that this is his first and longest relationship with a real emotional connection. Ok I fucking get it, you are not where I am and have never been where I am. I want a relationship and he doesn’t know what he wants. I am not hiding what I need from him and I am not pretending to want less than I really do. He says he does not want to lose me and wants to be the guy for me. Awww I hear you say.
I have seen him (longer than 10mins) twice in the past three weeks. For people in the first six months of a relationship, that lack of time and intimacy is creating a real hardship on establishing a connection. A connection made through time, skin, moments made and shared, laughs, hugs, touches. He sees me through a window and seems content that this brief visual, one I am not even aware of, is all he needs. Maybe for him but for me? A resounding no. This is not all his fault, we both have such busy and varied schedules, it is extraordinarily difficult to find the time to be together. Which is hard but something I could deal with if I thought that this affected him in the same way it affected me.
I am a person of chances. I will give chance after chance until there is nothing left of me. I am not saying this is a particularly wonderful aspect of myself but it is one that stands true to my whole self. So while all of this is going on between the boy and myself, I am still trying and still pushing for him to try and knowing me, I will keep going until I break or he walks away. A part of me is thinking that if he was going to feel for me the way I’d like him to, it would have happened already or at least he would be acting like he was on the way. A part of me thinks maybe we would be better off as friends. With benefits? Possibly, but when we barely have time for each other as people in a relationship, I doubt we would find time as two single people. I also highly doubt I could now just be a hook up to him.
I wish we had close mutual friends, not having someone who really knows us is frustrating to say the least!
What a doozy…..