I’m glad I got to talk to you today. I’m glad you initiated it. I of course miss and love you but I think I may have finally learnt my lesson that to have a little tiny piece of you is better than nothing at all. I’m sure I’ll find a way to fuck it up but for right now, I’m just happy that you were thinking about me today.
I was talking to our mutual diabetic friend yesterday. Ever since me and ex mr chop broke up, the way ‘betes boy talks to me is uber sexual and crude and I’ve tried to get him to stop, I’ve asked him to stop, I blocked him for a while to teach him I was serious about him stopping and nothing got through. So I decided to stop being such a tight arse and let it be. I play around back now (and yes a lot of the stuff I say is to hopefully filter back to ex mr chop and piss him off. Cause I’m a vindictive bitch, get over it). Anyway, so once again it was all oh K i’d like to fuck you and I’m like yeah sure come on over and we’ll make it happen haha and he was like ok. I’ll look in to flights, what sort of airlines should I look at and I tell him how its going to be two airlines, its about two grand at least for a ticket and he says cool, I’ll look in to it seriously tomorrow.
What the fuck?
So this guy, who I’ve never slept with, who I don’t actually know that well, who I only hung out with a few times, who is supposed to be good friends with ex mr chop, is willing to lay down a few grand to come and see me? This guy who doesn’t really have a job as well.
If its that easy, if its that….worth it to see me, why the hell can’t you do it? Its this that made me realise, its cause you don’t want to. Its this that made me think, do I actually still love you? Am I actually still in love with you? And I honestly don’t know. I know I still miss you and I get sad when I think about you. But in love still? Possibly. The ache is a lot more numb nowadays. But I still have those moments where the ache becomes this giant abyss inside of me and I can still feel my whole being shouting out for you to hear me.
Ok so maybe yes, still in love. But I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I know I’m not going to feel like this forever. And that helps sometimes. All I can think about right now is, he has been a presence in my life for about 3 years now. I’ve cared about him and loved him basically every day that I’ve known him. I miss him, I miss my friend, I miss my partner in crime. I’m finding it so hard to let go and be with someone else. I’m playing a game where I’m seemingly putting myself out there and trying to meet guys and then any guy who is interested I manage to find one small thing and make it an excuse to not be with that person or try with that person anymore. I feel like there is a cold layer inside of me that needs to be broken before I will let anyone in.
I need someone strong enough to break me free
This is why I moved away. This is why I want to be the best that I can be. This is why I’m going through all this international transcripts crap and paying millions of dollars. This is my one day goal. New York is my goal. This is what I want.