Arrival

So I am officially in Alaska, got in about 2am on saturday morning minus one bag which didn’t turn up till last night but thankfully made it seeing as it had ALL of my clothes in it! Am feeling a lot more human this morning as made sure I didn’t nap after getting up about 8am saturday and went to bed about 11pm last night. It’s now half7am, been up since 7 but am feeling ok.

Little worried about my legs. On the plane they totally seized up and I kept getting these sharp pains in them that still haven’t really gone away and I kind of have to admit that high sugars makes them feel worse. Dad has set me up with an appointment with an endo on the 21st of July to start sorting me out.

Before I got here ESM decorated my room and it is amazing!! Rich purple and silver/grey fabrics eveywhere, silver/gold sparkling walls, massive mirror, massive chest of drawers in a dark pine (hate light pine), a framed purple flowers print and mass cute pic of lil sis. I even have this massive plant that just looks great and a chandelier light fixture dad put in. Its pretty much my dream room.

Haven’t called boss lady yet as was soooo tired yesterday so am giving her a ring on monday to discuss the job. Blah but at least I have the prospect of a job to earn some moolah!

Lil sis is a person now and is so freaking cute! She talks and sings and entertains and is like a little shadow. I think ESM thought I was getting annoyed at lil sis yesterday cause she is the BOSSIEST little person aha ‘come sit here…colour this not this’. But she really wasn’t, I love having her around. She even helped me put my stuff away, I’d point out something to grab and she would bring it to me although it was more fun to keep turning the walk in light on and off so that ‘taytee, its to dark…all better…taytee its to dark…all better’. Awwww lol.

More to come

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Leaving, On A Jet Plane….

Don’t know when I’ll be back again (literally).

In 14 hours I shall begin my epic journey (leave from heathrow at 10, change planes in NYC, fly to salt lake city where have a 3 hour layover and then arrive in anchorage at half midnight). We have to leave at 5.30am so I’m going to have to be up at 4 to shower and get the bags in the car and shiz. EFFORT! I just tried to check in online but it said there’s a problem so I have to go to the desk at heathrow WHICH is what happened with lil bro last year and he got bumped up to club class, so I am hoping and praying that I am being bumped up a lot of classes. Cause that would be crackin’.

Have said my goodbyes to the people that matter, am going to give loverr a call tonight after I’ve seen moo (who is taking me somewhere and has put pure love in to today as I have been told). Been up since 6 running around getting myself and my stuff together, cleaning the house, packing, laundry. I am sooo tired already aha.

The ex ex came round for a goodbye today and I was able to get him in to a bed for the first time in about 3 years and for the first time in about 7 months it wasn’t back of the car, fast and furious sex; it was slow, sensual, me in control lovin’ and it was really nice. I am going to miss him a lot. He won’t ever know it but even with the guilt, even not being able to read him, even though we were each others dirty little secret; rediscovering our friendship and being made to feel wanted and beautiful has done so much for me, healed some parts of me that I thought were always going to be broken. It hasn’t healed all of me or some of my bigger parts but that was never going to happen, those part of me (if they ever do) are going to take years to become whole again. But he is my best guy friend, I can tell him anything and not feel judged or uncomfortable about it and we have a laugh so as much as the sex was nice, I’m going to miss his company more than anything.

I am so very sad that I’m going with the intention of probably not coming back and ex mr chop and I were never able to sort us out, get over what happened, try to be friends. And now we will never have that chance and its actually really upsetting. I can’t believe when he walked out august last year that, that was the last time I was ever going to properly see him or speak to him. That being our last talk and our last moments together is horrible because that whole situation was horrible. I wish I had actually meant as much to him as he said and could have at least wanted to try and keep me in his life in a friendly way. I wish he had been less of a coward. It would have been nice to have still had my bantering mate in my life and to be able to say goodbye to him instead of leaving and him not knowing or caring. I suppose it is a good thing I’m going so I can leave this bullshit behind me.

I will miss pubs, the beach, primark, new look, london, bournemouth, uni, uni peeps, charminster, festivals, gigs, elements (lave ignite), bar:me, aruba, the firestation, UK accents, marmite, tea, costa, come dine with me, hollyoaks, big brother, location location location, alton towers, thorpe park, the new forest, toby carvery, harvester, tower park, nandos, my life here.

I will miss moo more than I could ever express and I’m really sad and worried about leaving her behind. I love her a lot. I will miss the whole Gonads family!

So far I have packed my suitcase with my hard stuff and later I’ll do my duffle with my clothes (although I have a bad feeling that more than 1 bag on delta costs more. Going to have to BLAG!

Time to get ready for my moo twinny wifey lover x x x x x x x

Epic Win, 5 Days To Go

Beach Break….amazing….Example, Beardyman, Ellie Goulding, Chase and Status, Dan le sac vs Scroobius Pip, dub everywhere….amazing! Had such a good time with moo and K (going to ignore the presence of M who bitched, moaned, cried and was generally a bit of a dick), loved the site, loved the sun, loved loved loved. Burnt my legs and my feet (in an interesting union jack kind of way aha jokes), had my foot broken by some giant of a guy, have lots of lovely pics and only thought about ex mr chop and got a little sad once. Weirdly also thought about the ex ex who I did actually miss a bit; even went to check out his friends band who was playing on the last day in one of the tents, on the off chance he did actually replace the drummer for this one gig. Anyway, really really glad I stayed for beach break.

So now it is saturday and I have 5 days till I leave, 6 days till I am in the states. SO excited to see my sister and everyone and be home. I’m sad cause I am going to miss everyone so so so so much and I’m trying to make sure I see everyone before I leave. I am going to miss the ex ex. I keep saying to myself that I won’t, that he means as much to me as I mean to him (i.e. its just been a sex thing) but I think in the back of my mind he was always going to be there, always going to be around and we would always be in each others lives and now I actually have to let him and the idea of us go; I know I keep saying that I was going to anyway and that its not fair but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know why, I don’t think we’re exactly healthy for each other but being around him, being with him, it just makes me happy. And now its actually going to be over and I’m going to miss him.

I’m going to miss moo. She is my sister, my twin and my wifey. We talk everyday and I value her opinions and thoughts more than anyone else and it is going to be hard not having her just a train ride or car journey away. We keep joking about how were going to be on skype all the time and that I’m going to keep mine on 24/7 so we are always connected but I am going to keep it on and I am going to make sure that even though I’m not around, even though were not going to be as in each others lives as we have been, its not going to matter and she will stay my sister, my twin and my wifey. I’m actually really scared to be starting out without my best friend who I can go to and chill out with. I have a plan though to get her over asap!

As much as I’m sad and going to miss people and places (Bournemouth, Salisbury, London), as much as I’m going to miss memories and as much as I’m going to miss my life, I am very excited!

AHHHHHHHHHH

BEACH BREAK IN 3 DAYS, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EXCITEMENT!

Seriously think my head is going to pop off I am soooo excited! Even though dreading hiding the big secret blah blah I so can not wait to spend a week in the company of my girls and the music and the drinking and the many many goooooood times to come! Feels like I’m a kid waiting the last few days for christmas I am that hyper aha.

BEEAAAAAACHHHHHHHHH BREEAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes

Sometimes I still feel like my heart is so broken I can’t stand it. I so want to be fixed by now. I so want to be a whole person again and I’m not. I think its because in the deepest part of me I still think it was such a mistake, I still think its not supposed to be like this. I try so hard to hide that part of me from myself, I can’t think about it, I can’t bear to say it out loud. But sometimes, when I feel like I am still so shattered, that feeling sort of creeps up on me and I can’t do anything but feel like I can’t breathe.

It will pass. It always does

Complicated Creatures

I think women can be complicated creatures as each one of us is so utterly different that sometimes I can’t really blame men for being confused. Like myself, I know whilst a lot of me isn’t particularly hard to figure out there are certain aspects that I don’t even get. I have a habit of changing my mind over how I feel and what I want every single day; with life, with the ex ex, about ex mr chop. One day I can be 100% sure that I want to move to America and start again. Then the next day I just can’t see it. Thats not an overly complicated situation as there are only two avenues I can take; either I go and stay or I go and come back.

But then there is the ex ex and oh dear, the amount of times I have thought one way about him and then changed it to another is even beginning to drive myself mad (poor moo, she also takes the brunt of this). Sometimes I feel like he is my friend who I care about and who I think could do better for himself. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea who he truly is, can make no assumptions or opinions about his life and he wouldn’t value those thoughts anyway cause all I am is sex. Sometimes I feel he cares a lot more about me than he even admits to himself and vice versa. Sometimes I get sad that he’s with her and she’s the one who now gets to do the fun things with him and go to his gigs, stand in the crowd watching and feeling so proud. And sometimes I couldn’t care less. One day I think I love him and miss us being together so much and the next I don’t and realise what we had was only real for me, not for him therefore not real at all. Sometimes I get angry that I wasted so much of my time and love on someone who didn’t love me back and I still want to punish him for it. I know he wasn’t in love with me cause a little while ago I asked if he had actually ever been in love and he went quiet for a while and had to think about it before saying yeah I think so. You know if you’ve been in love, its not something you have to think about so thats how I know he wasn’t in love with me. I’m pretty sure the person he was referring to was abby before she broke up with him the first time out of the blue. I guess in a way its a relief to know he never really felt that way about me cause it means I’m not going to waste my life being with someone who doesn’t see me, cause I was totally prepared to spend my life with him.

Ex mr chop is also complicated. I hate him. I hate every single fucking piece of that little illiterate untalented bullshitting dick. The very thought of him makes rage in my stomach. But, if I think to hard about him, if a song that reminds me of him comes on, if something funny that I know he would appreciate happens, if I hear anything to do with IMPs, if I play guitar hero, if I see a midget (I think I’ve made my point), I still cry, I still feel the hurt, I still feel the loss, I still think you stupid fucking idiot why did you leave. It doesn’t happen to much anymore, just an every so often thing but as much as I wish he would vanish I also miss him. I am so excited about beach break and being with the girls and moo and I know we will have an amazing time but I will miss him. It was ex mr chop who introduced me to beach break, it was him I went with for my first time and I will be a bit sad that he won’t be there this time. Not so much that its going to affect my time there or take away from my enjoyment, to be honest I’ll probably forget all about the bum when were there but right now, I am a bit sad.

Like I said, complicated woman here!

Evolving

Once upon a time I said to the world, fuck the consequences I always get my own way. Fuck the consequences. Was it worth it then I wonder? I fell in love with someone who loved me in return. I found someone I was completely comfortable being myself around. I was with someone who didn’t need to play games and who would put me first. I also lost a lot. I lost two friends, luckily one of which I managed to reconnect with. I lost a friend in him. I lost faith in myself. I lost belief in love. I learnt that things aren’t always what or how they seem and I learnt that sometimes trust and love isn’t enough. I learnt to fall in love with your friend can be an amazing experience.

Was it worth it?

I guess so. I also learnt that saying fuck the consequences is a really naive impulse to act on so I guess in a way I grew up a bit. So I guess it was? I guess in a way I now know more of what I want and what to look for, what makes me happy and what to avoid. Maybe once I find it in myself to really get back out there, I’ll have more luck this time!

Waiting For Life To Begin

I am literally just sat around now waiting for things to start happening; beach break in a week, then packing for America, mum’s birthday, doctors appointment, goodbyes and then getting on the plane. I think I have a plan, well two actually. If I get in to third year I will come back, live with moo, graduate and get in to publishing. If I don’t, I’m going to take some time out, save up some money, find my feet and start with a fresh slate doing what in my heart of hearts I know I was born for. I am argumentative, opinionated, always right, can argue black is white, I love to debate and I want to get back to using my more than capable brain. I am meant to be in court, I was born to stand up in front of my peers and make them see things my way. I’m ready for it now, I want to work for it now, so thats what I will do. I’m ready to stop being the fuck up now and do something with my life, I’m ready to make my family proud of me again and I’m ready to feel proud of myself again! But thats not just if I go back in to law, I would more than love to get in to publishing as that is my other passion; reading, books, literature, fantastical stories, epic tragedies. Graduating from Bournemouth and going in to publishing (probably and hopefully somewhere in London) would also be amazing. Harder because I wouldn’t be working with a clean slate but still fulfilling. The dream always has been and always will be to end up in New York, in an amazing loft apartment in Manhattan being able to afford all the Choos and Blahniks I could ever want. That is the goal and I will get there.

I fucking promise you that