I’ve been thinking about realistic new year resolutions as the ever popular losing weight option is in consideration but I think I need to better more than just the size of my arse.
To actually do the best I can do with my classes this semester. I’m taking all Justice and Legal courses and I really want to succeed to prove I’m choosing the right path.
To date older men only. No more children, no more guys who have never been in a relationship before, no more wasters. I want someone sure of what they want in life, with goals, ambition and with a fucking sense of humour! I want someone who is not afraid to fall in love.
To start living more in my present than in my past. I do this a lot which was shown by my trip back home.
To read one non-school or stupid fictional vampire/fantasy/bullshitbullshit book every two weeks.
To move out.
I guess we will see!
That would be the sound of my head exploding. Waaaaay too much is going on right now and I’m totally freaking out and no-one can understand why I’m freaking out and I just want someone to actually listen to me and let me ramble for a bit and give me hug.
I miss the times of bomo house and zoots and random trips to Brighton. I miss A.Summers and friends and hazy days. People tell me I’m supposed to be really excited about starting uni again and I am. I’m also terrified I’m going to fail for real this time and I’m out of running away options. I’m terrified of the date with M, I’m terrified of the date with T. Really terrified about that one actually. I’m nervous about interviews on monday and uni on tuesday and maybe more dates and running out of money and training for new jobs and leaving the people I’ve been around more than my family for the past year and I miss my best friend. I know that me and moo have tried really hard to not let it be different or change us but of course me being here going through all my shit and her being back home going through all her shit and us not being there through all the shit together, of course it changes things. If I was back home going through all of this I would be able to just sit and rant at her and break down and she’d be there.
I think that right now, I’m living life. For a change. It feels like I’m free-falling without a parachute. I feel like I’m out of breath and I’m literally going to have a heart attack and die.
Tomorrow: Date with M. Saturday: Date with T. Monday: Interview. Tuesday: Uni. Too many things to think about
I am probably one of the worst people when it comes to dealing with change. I hate it, I hate change, I hate deviating from the normal routine and if I don’t have a routine, I’m a misery to be around and if I do have a routine and it changes, I freak. So, knowing this about myself, why do I feel the need to make loads of massive changes all at the same time?? I’m with a steady boyfriend of 4 years, I jump ship to another guy, risk losing an important friend. I decide to take said guy to meet American father, quit my job, go for an internship. I move back home. I move to another country on a whim. I jump from one job to the other until I land a full time position. I’m happily in that full time position, just starting to feel like I really know the job and then quit to start back at uni. No other job on the horizon yet. Seriously freaking out cause really don’t have much money and apparently to do well at university, one must spend about $500 on books. Change, change, change. I guess deep down I get really bored and feel the need to spice things up. A lot.
Also, guys. I swear to god, every time chick comes home she completely helps turn my shit upside down (love her for it). For one, I actually genuinely think I’ve reached the other side with ex mr chop. I honestly can say that thinking about him doesn’t make me feel sad or in love anymore. I don’t think I love him anymore. Instead of that warm feeling I would get thinking about him, now I just feel kind of…disinterested. I also feel like a bit of an idiot for how I carried on and on about missing him blah blah.
There is this guy. Bit of a history with him, met him last year, was supposed to go on this great date but I harshly bailed and then he had to go back to where he was based and he only just got back like a year later. I like him. I like him in the way that I have a little bit of butterfly action in my belly. I like him in the way that he is the first person since ex mr chop that I actually really want to sleep with. I can’t wait to hang out with him on saturday and go on a real date with him. I’m also scared. I might be coming out the other side of ex mr chop but I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with the bullshit that comes along with being with someone. That’s even if we get on or whatever.
Really, I just need to focus on school and work and making something of myself. I need to put me first from now on.
A shag would be nice though!