There Is No Hope Left

I have this friend, he is (was) the epitome of that good amazing considerate white knight type of guy. Head screwed on straight, waited till marriage to pop his cherry, worked hard, managed to get a house at the age of 24, good Christian values (by this I mean a practicing Christian who doesn’t feel the need to push his religion down everyone’s throats, actually acted like a decent human being and doesn’t use his religion to feel better than everyone else). He got married young, 22, and I always knew it was fast and he was young and hadn’t had enough experience in life yet to be able to work at a marriage. For the past few weeks he’s been hinting to me how miserable he is and I had already guessed it was him not wanting to be married anymore. Today I got the full story. Not only did he not want to get married in the first place, before he even went through with the wedding he had met someone else. And is now stuck in hell because he feels obligated to stay with his wife but is in love with this other woman who he says is his soulmate and hes never felt like this before with anyone and can’t live without her.

I feel really sad for him because I know exactly what its like to not be able to be with your soulmate, I know exactly how it feels when you are struggling to breathe through the pain and can’t imagine a life without that person by your side. I wish I could have told him it gets easier but I’m still drowning and its been 2 years.

Then he went on to say how soon his wife will want a family and he won’t be able to do that with her. Oh and as for the other woman he’s fallen truly in love with, they have already snuck off and been making out. This stand up guy who I actually have used to judge other guys by. Are you fucking serious?? You can’t be fucking man enough to leave the non relationship because you don’t want to hurt her or either family but its ok to go sneaking around behind her back? Its ok to keep your wife in a loveless marriage where one day you will deny her, her family? Sorry bruv, grow a fucking pair and sort it out.

I sympathise with him, I really do. Leaving the ex ex for ex mr chop was really fucking hard and devastating. This was a guy I had been living with for years, who I thought was my future and then when I came face to face with the one I knew that I had to leave. I manned up, I took my licks for being the bad guy and I did it without cheating or sneaking around. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I will never regret doing it. So while a part of me sympathises, the other part wants to backhand him across the face. Vows are made for a reason and if you can’t respect them and can’t be true to them, do the fucking decent thing and walk away. Have the courtesy for this person who loves you to not make an even bigger fool of them.

This was the best guy that I knew and now hes just another one of those guys. I don’t really know what to do with that

Oh Sigh

I don’t know if its him I miss or just the familiarity of him or if talking to him makes me think of back home which makes me think of things I’m missing and then people I’m missing so by the end of a brief exchange with him, my head is completely fucked up. Cause I think may be I do miss him. But then I think well actually I don’t, he was a massive dick to me who ruined my life and became the catalyst for me moving away from everything and everyone I love and the worst part of all, made me fuck up things with ex mr chop. Good, now I’m angry. Who the fuck does he think he is, still trying to be a part of my life, still using me as a way to stave of boredom of a relationship doomed to fail. Doomed to fail cause hes a massive tart and a cheat and a user.

And ex mr chop is a penis.

Bah.

Welcome Back Conscience

I have been having the same dream for the past week. I dream that the girlfriend finds out and its horrible and she’s so upset and I am the big bad guy and it just all ends up shit. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the cause of such hurt and I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire either. I don’t want  lovey dovey relationship; I don’t want to be accountable to or for anyone else. But I also don’t want to have to hide all the time, its boring, its to structured and its….limiting. So stopping it is half for her and half for me. I don’t know how he is going to feel about this, I’m not sure he’s even going to really care? But as much as he needs to grow up and stop being selfish, so do I. I need to grow up and not fuck about with someone else’s love. I need to stop going back to him to fulfill my own selfish needs. I don’t want to, I really really don’t, its so easy being with him, its so easy what were doing. But thats not a good enough reason to carry on and I need to start feeling like a good person again