I don’t know what it is, but apparently, for some, there is something about me which makes the rules irrelevant and desire the only thing that matters. It’s sort of strange cause I don’t really get it, and it’s not like it works on the fucking people I want it to, but now two important people in my life have said it and then gone on to do things they wouldn’t with anyone else. I guess it only actually works on guys already in relationships though which is prob why I don’t have a significant other of my own. I just don’t get it. It’s like, and has been said, that with me it doesn’t count. I don’t count? Does it not count when it’s with someone you truly care about? Cause I’ve always been of the mind that it counts more when there are feelings involved. Does it not count when it’s with someone you’ve been with before? Do I just represent the freedom they long for and therefore it’s nothing to do with me per say at all. The ex ex said he likes to play with fire, so maybe being with me every so often actually strengthens his own relationship cause he’s gotten it out of his system. I know why with farmer boi, he’s wanted me for the past 10 or so years and with me being based in the US now, I think to him it was about the opportune moment. It really makes me wonder what these guys are missing from their lives that they seek solace in me? Is it things like this which make me hold back from a being in a relationship myself. Is everything doomed to end, does monogamy really work, is cheating inevitable, are breakups inevitable, does the loss of single freedoms ever get balanced or over-ruled by the stability of being with someone? Why bother when it’s just all going to end in tears. Are we all doomed to love the wrong person? All I wanted was ex mr chop and instead….yeah. All I still want is ex mr chop. I wish this ‘something’ bloody worked on him!!
I have a feeling that this trip home has succeeded in making me much more jaded than I was before
I’m still pissed off but mainly I’m just sad. I thought something like this would happen and then after what happened with farmer boi the other night I knew that my karma was shot to hell as well. Even if that was a beautiful night with farmer boi which was a ‘what if’ that I’m glad I won’t have hanging over my head for the rest of my life. He made me feel beautiful and loved and I haven’t had that in a very very long time. It’s shit that even that amazing night still doesn’t stop me from being sad over ex mr chop but I guess as much as I love farmer boi, ex mr chop really is going to be the what if of my life and there is really nothing anymore to be done about it. Takes two to make the what if go away. All I wanted was a chance to see him and talk! All I wanted was some truth to the things he’s said to me! Part of me thinks maybe he did this on purpose. Maybe he actually couldn’t handle seeing me, that it would be to hard, and so he pushed me away on purpose. The other part of me is much more sure that he just ultimately didn’t give a shit and there it is. Usual behaviour from ex mr chop where he talks the talk because he gets bored and then when it comes time to put action to his words, he doesn’t because what he was chatting was bullshit in the first place.
My head is all over the place anyway thanks to farmer boi. So maybe one less distraction is what I need for my poor little bruised heart. Even if the fates have let me down, even if destiny isn’t what I thought it would be.
Good thing I know that I have a distraction waiting for me back in AK
So ex mr chop didn’t really actually want to see me. I’m not sure why I believed he did or put myself out there but I did and once again was completely let down by him. I had farmer boi come down from leeds to see me, the ex ex keeps trying to see me, people from London want to see me, loverr came from brighton to see me. If ex mr chop did want to, he’d have made it happen but it wasn’t important so its not happening. I got really really angry (fueled by disappointment and sadness I’m sure) and told him to seriously not contact me again and I blocked him. I literally had two main people I was dying to see, him and moo. I don’t know why. I knew in my heart of hearts that he didn’t truly give two shits, so why am I so let down?? Such bullshit and I’m done.
I am a bad seed I’ve decided, I am the little devil who sits on people’s shoulders and makes them do bad things like pick back up bad habits, do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do. I am so good in this role that I have a 100% success rate and I do it with a smile; I usually get my victims to do it with a smile as well haha.
Saw my girls tonight. Treacle and loverr both say that I should not spend time seeing the ex mr chop as it doesn’t seem like he actually wants to see me and because it’s just going to suck for me in the end. They said maybe he suggested hanging out just to get it out of the way as something that he needs to do or something. I really don’t know what to think, all I know is I do want to see him and I don’t know if I will regret not seeing him more than meeting up. Sigh. Head says probs not a good idea, heart says why haven’t we seen him yet.
Heart has a tendency to win, prob why I’m in this situation in the first place!
I don’t think I can do it! I don’t think I can sit across from ex mr chop and him being all loved up and pretend that I don’t care, even for an hour. I definitely can not sit across from him for the first time since we broke up and pretend that or do that with someone else there. I don’t think my brain and mouth will connect in a workable fashion. Maybe seeing him isn’t in the cards yet, maybe I’m still not ready for that. I also think its a bunch of bullshit, you can’t be my friend on facebook but you want me to meet you and be friendly in the real world?! I know that on some (or all) levels I am being a fucktarded nutcase and thinking way too much in to things, trust me when I say I fucking hate that I do this but I just know that the wall I built up not to keep anyone out but to block myself from certain feelings, has a real chance of crumbling if I see him. It would have been easier if I was in a relationship but I’m not and I don’t think it’s fair that he has that extra layer of protection! I don’t want to be the sad single one who can’t seem to make it work with anyone else. Also there is a very huge chance that I may throw myself at him seeing as I still haven’t had as good sex since I was with him. I hate that my vagina is also against me. Haha.
Bomo tonight!! Was talking all night last night with loverr and treacle about sunday, am SO excited to see them! Need to make new years plans as well, moo wants to do this family thing that I’m invited to but I feel like it’s all couples who I don’t know and as much as I love moo, I kind of want to get drunk and stupid with the possibility of finding a new years kiss. But at the same time I know I’d have a lovely time with moo, even if I feel like I’m kind of crashing (which is the main thing).
Fair play, I said that he would have to get in touch and he did. And I said that he had prob forgotten I was even home and he didn’t. I don’t honestly see why he wants to get a drink or anything though, as much as I want to see him, it’s not like how he wants to see me. It’s like how me and the ex ex are. He wants to really see me in the way I really want to see ex mr chop but ex mr chop only wants to see me in the way it’s nice for me to see the ex ex; it’s nothing more than just a friendly catch up. Confusing I know but it makes sense to me. I feel like the ex mr chop even feels bad for me, hiding his relationship status even though that was hardly necessary; been there, seen it, accepted it (mostly, haha), so it’s ok, no need to feel pity and have to hide the girlfriend from the crazy ex. He didn’t even want to see me on his own, had to be like for an hour with his friend by his side, awesome. I mean I really do appreciate the gesture, I just guess right now I’m disappointed that reality always wins over expectations and that I never learn otherwise.
Soooooo excited to see my girls and bomo tomorrow though!!!
Finally have made it back to the UK. Talk with mum when landed was fine, saw Nanna and evil bitch aunt and that was fine. Saw my moo. Oh.My.God. I didn’t want to fucking let her go, as soon as we saw each other everything just clicked and felt right and normal and good. I was the most relaxed I have been in so long just being around her and I know it was good for her to be around me. I am completely worried about her lack of dealing about her daddy and I’m hoping that now I’m home and that the business will be sorted by the end of the month, she will finally be able to focus on her and her emotions and I’ll be here to be the rock she needs. Love her so so so so much.
Haven’t really been in touch with anyone yet, kind of letting the jet lag and chest infection die down. I feel like I am on standby, just waiting to see if ex mr chop will get in touch. I know I know that he won’t. I know I know that he prob doesn’t even remember that I am home. I unblocked him on facebook so that maybe if he even checked, it would be like a sign that I am open to hear from him but only if he gets in touch. He is the one in the relationship now so he needs to be the one to contact me if he wants to see me. I wish…I don’t know. So many things.
I was talking to mum about being afraid of the collections people and that being a major reason why I don’t think I’ll be able to ever come home haha and she told me that it’s a really simple fix and all I need to do is contact them and come to some sort of arrangement. She said it’s totally doable and if I’m coming home once I have my degree (which I am planning on so watch out UK in 2015!) then it’s better to sort it sooner rather than later. So I might either do it next December or the summer of 2014 when I’m over.
Looking forward to being in bomo friday/saturday, drinkies with farmer boi saturday, dinner with the girls sunday, christmas, new years with moo. So many things to do and people to see!!
I have been working my arse off all freaking day to get all this shit done for monday and my two finals. I actually got a lot done, documentary, research paper, the presentation which is my second final. I need to do two journal response entries but I think I’m just going to do the one and call it a day. Girl needs her sleep! Egh, this week is going to be soooo long!!
So was hanging out with chick and doogy last night when he lets slip that he got ‘the full extended version of why you and ex mexican man broke up, why he broke up with you’ and gives me this look as if to say yeah, I know allll about you. So I was like well what does that mean and he wouldn’t say which is fair enough, bro code, but then the kept going on about how it was mexican man’s first ‘serious, well not serious but first ever relationship’, which is mexican man’s words verbatim. The ‘serious’ thing hurt cause yeah I get it, he wasn’t really in to it but I genuinely cared about him and I think deep down I really did need someone who understood the whole baby thing cause it happened to him as well. I’m kind of mad that he went out of his way to talk shit about me (and knowing guys and knowing that our last few fights were about his lack of time and attention, I’m sure I got painted as the crazy clingy lady even though I barely called, texted, never facebooked him and we would hang out once a week if that). I haven’t been the crazy stalker ex, I haven’t tried to get back with him, I’ve respected what he wanted and left him the fuck alone. I didn’t let on to his family about the pregz, I didn’t go around telling people (and I swear, if that is what doogy meant, I am going to fucking kill mexican man. After telling his family. Especially as my family found out and know, why should I be the only one?). I haven’t talked a mean game about him to anyone, if I’ve ever vented its been on here where no one knows me or him. Its just not fucking fair, I’ve worked hard to not have a reputation over here and I will be damned if he fucks it up. Bastard.
Home in 6 days, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Seriously. Surrounded. If I am sat in the spine studying, I am either sat near that one crazy dick who looks like he’s about to take people out or the couple fighting, the girl talking to herself, being joined by random guys who decide that me studying DURING FINALS is the best time to chat me up. Or I am at the annex with the super angry guy who likes to yell at the computer and cuss it out or the random guy who is one second sitting and the next booking it out of the room in what I can only assume is an attempt to blow shit up and get out of the way first and now a guy having a whole fucking conversation to himself. Amd the guy who booked it out all of a sudden came back and then walked out all evil villain style, flipping his hoodie up. I am legit scared. I want to leave.
I am so proud of myself. Haven’t unblocked ex mr chop, haven’t snooped, haven’t tried to get in touch. Yet, haha. I soooo want to, I am literally skin crawling wanting to see him and talk and have him get in touch. But no joy and honestly I know it’s not going to happen.
Finals are happening, pretty stressed but working through it. Am just sooo focused on going home now!! It’s like taken over my brain, MOOOOOO!