Not Again

I can feel it like a tide coming in, like there is something coming closer and closer and I’m about to be smothered. I know this feeling.¬†Goddammit I fucking know this. There is nothing bad going on, there is nothing different, there have been no arguments, there is no tension, there are no bad feelings anywhere. But for some reason I am choking. I am literally about to fall apart. I don’t know why? I don’t understand whats wrong? I just came back from a really good weekend, I had loads of fun and got to drink and chill and be me. I’ve accomplished a lot at work today. I still have time to accomplish more.

I am sat here in my office trying not to cry. I feel like I am slipping down a hole. I feel like everything is terrible. I feel like everything is pointless, nothing matters, nothing I do matters, nothing I say matters. There are no consequences because I am not afraid of any consequences. I can feel my face and its stillness, there is no emotion. Its like my soul has just decided to take a walk somewhere. I don’t mean that I want to do bad things, just that I am empty right now. I want to tell the boss to fuck off, pick up my stuff and walk out. I want to tell people what I really think of them. I want to kiss pop tart guy and tell him I’m sorry for judging him. I want to go and sit in the middle of a crowd and just soak up the atmosphere they make just by being. I thought I was being? Is this just an episode? Will I feel better tomorrow?

I feel like everyone around me hates me. I feel like I am a failure and they hate me for that, they can smell it on me and it offends them. I feel like I’m not wanted but they can’t get rid of me.

I want to go home. I want to go and see moo. I want to go for a walk on the beach. I want a hug from someone who loves me for me. I want to be surrounded by the same accent, I want to be boring and blend in. I want to be invisible.

What the fuck is wrong with me? ¬†Maybe I just need a shag. Ergh, now I’m even more depressed

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Christmas

So here comes the end of my first christmas since I was 15 where I’ve been single. To be honest, it hasn’t really hit me till right now, after hearing what presents friends got from boyfriends, stories of christmas lovin’. I mean, it wasn’t horrible, it was nice to not have to worry about presents for the boyf, running about spending time with my family and then his or missing him and spending all day feeling like I was going stir crazy cause I wanted to see him. It felt like there was less pressure on the day which actually meant not one single family blow up for a change.

I got a nice haul this year, perfume, dress, twilight shirt (funnily enough I got mum an edward mug and she got me a team jacob shirt aha), cosmo subscription, skull candy headphones (thank god, mine were so busted), animal print bag. Good times!

I did miss waking up beside the guy I’m in love with on christmas morning. I missed watching bad christmas films, cuddling up. I missed him. It is nice to have a partner at christmas.

But even nicer to be single for new years =D

Poem: Waiting

I’ve been waiting, waiting for years inside,

Waiting for it to come apart,

I’ve been waiting for it to break.

Inside its cold and I’m alone,

I can’t fight this darkness.

There are corners with shadows,

I can’t see through them,

I can’t fight this darkness.

I’m drowning inside, I’m going under,

Pressure holding me, dragging me down,

Don’t say anything, don’t tell anyone,

I’ll come and get you.

How would you feel if this was you?

Like an egg cracking, breaking.

Alone