For The First Time In A Long Time

I haven’t been able to write here since what, two days after I met the music man and we’ve been together since. I know that no relationship is perfect, I know for sure that none of my relationships have been perfect. I really wanted to trust him completely though, I really wanted him to prove me wrong and in some ways he was even fucking worse than the ex ex and hurt me more than ex mr chop.

That stupid fucker posted pictures of himself online, asked for pictures of other girls from online, was a member of three different dating sites, one of which is the infamous Ashley Madison made to cheat site. He told me it was all for porn, all to get off, just something he’s done for years and not a big deal, he would never ever cheat and never wanted to. I get it, we all have fetishes and this was his. I say was because FUCK YOU IS THAT ACCEPTABLE TO DO BEHIND MY FUCKING BACK YOU ASSHOLE.

It’s feeling especially fresh today because I guess it wasn’t just about getting pictures and getting off.

I snoop. It’s a thing and it’s a thing that started with the ex ex and his ‘other phone’ and his groupies and flirting and meg and livi and feeling like the fat boring credit card shaped girlfriend. Then I met ex mr chop and I was fine until something felt wrong and I snooped and classily he had been googling how to break up with me. Sort of downhill from there. And then the music man and his weirdly possessive friend A. Who turned out to be an ex who didn’t quite know she was an ex, making me an unknowing other woman. That was the first little crack but I did understand the situation and to the most that I could, got over it. And it wasn’t until months later that I saw the Ashley Madison thing which wasn’t actually due to snooping for a change. Finding out all about that and plenty of fish and craigslist and pictures, that was snooping.

This happened and it was in August I found out and had it out with him. Took about a week of talking and serious consideration of breaking up. I’ve since then kept my distance from his phone and computer except for moments of complete fucking weakness which he doesn’t know about. Like being told he had stopped talking to A and hadn’t. That things between them were a lot more serious than he still has yet to admit.

Back on point. Stupid fucker left his computer here and I had one of those moments, fuelled by the fact we are signing a lease tonight to live together for the next year and I am so fucking scared that I am making this huge mistake cause even though I really love him, I think that due to past behaviour, he is going to really fucking hurt me. Badly. And now I will have to deal with the disaster of a break up with someone I live with. Yeah he did the dirty pic thing, yeah he’s stupid for sometimes leaving his face in. But that stupid fucking dirty little cunt went on to craigslist and started chatting up some rando girl, being all nice and flirty and jokey over the course of several days when he was away for work. He says he would never and has never cheated and yet there are messages suggesting a meet up. All for kicks of course. THAT STUPID FUCKER WHEN HE WAS AWAY FOUND SOME CHILD ONLINE (19) AND MESSAGED HER FOR DAYS AND DAYS PRETENDING TO BE THIS SINGLE NICE GUY WHEN HE WAS WITH ME. BORED ARE YOU? THEN FUCKING MESSAGE YOUR FUCKING STUPID PATHETIC GIRLFRIEND.

AND NOW I CAN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING CAUSE WE ARE SIGNING A FUCKING LEASE TONIGHT. And if I back out, the roomie are going to be really super mad and I’ll prob end up moving back in with dad and step-beast.

So I’m basically saying that living with my boyfriend who I keep saying I’m going to be with always, is pretty much the lesser of two evils?

I love him, I really do. I know that he loves me too. I just also know on some level, I don’t think I’m enough for him and I don’t think he’s the person he’s trying to be right now. I feel like this is the Alaska version of himself, or at the least it is himself but he misses being younger and less responsible? I don’t know. Most of the time I really feel like I know who he is and then I’m reminded of what a good liar he is. And then I think of the things he’s done for me for example, addressing my crazy and wanting to work with me to actually get through it and change it instead of ignoring me (the ex ex) or breaking up with me (ex mr chop). Which is pretty huge.

And then I am reminded of what a good liar he is.

I don’t know what to do. Every relationship is flawed, everyone has their little secret. I just know that I am really good at sticking it out with the wrong person for the wrong reasons and I will be damned to go through that again.

Welcome back to reality, only took 8 months!

Who Knows

I don’t know if I will ever truly forget the ex ex. I don’t know if I will actually ever be able to fully let go of him, he was too big a part of me for so long and to be truthful he has helped heal a large part of me. I will physically let go and move on because I can’t be around him while he is with her anymore but its going to be (already is) very hard. He’s become my friend who I care very much about and although he might not feel the same about me thats ok; I care about people whether they like it or not, whether they deserve it or not cause thats just who I am. If things were different in respect to the girlfriend then yes they would be different all round; I don’t mean being in a relationship but being able to hang out without the guilt and occasionally on a flat surface would be nice.

I don’t know if I will ever 100% get over what ex mr chop did (the effects run deep) and I don’t know how long it will be until he is completely out of my system; until I completely stop missing him or what we had. It still stings but it doesn’t consume me anymore; it still makes me a bit sad but its hard to be sad and miss someone who has completely changed and who isn’t there anymore. I know it has now been a decent amount of time but it took me a year to get over doo-ron and he meant no where near as much to me so I’m not going to worry about that.

Its weird with the ex ex cause I feel like we were over a long time before we actually broke up (he might argue this but then he has to think of the monumental arguments, the lack of sex, the lack of communication, the not liking him going out cause of the lack of trust which WAS earned, the money strain which I’m still paying for by myself by the way), but then I don’t think I actually gave myself enough time to mourn the relationship hence why I still thought about him and had that little episode of texting after the skate gig thing.

I think America will be good for me; time off boys, away from situations that aren’t good for me (that I admittedly do tend to put myself in) and time to just focus on me for a while, see if I can’t sort myself out a bit

What I’ve Learnt

This is what I’ve learnt since ex mr chopper and the ex ex.

Communication and honesty are key in making any relationship work. You can’t change a person, you need to accept them for who they are but being in a relationship means compromising and a little bending.

Have your own life, I know a big problem with us was the fact he was in a town that he didn’t have many friends in which made me feel bad so I chose to spend pretty much all of my free time with him, neglecting my own friends and I would then get annoyed if he went out without me cause I’d be bored. This is why I encouraged ex mr chopper to see his friends and go out without me and is why it pisses me off when he blamed his lack of contact with his friends on me instead of his lazy ass.

Things need to be 50/50, I put a lot of pressure on myself being to much of a mother type (over caring nature, putting myself in debt over situations that weren’t my responsibility) and I know that this made him take me for granted which I resented a lot and I also think it can make for a very emasculating situation.

Never stop making an effort. As soon as you stop caring how the other person sees you or how you see the other person, things are going to get shit. The one main difference between the ex ex and ex mr chopper was that ex mr chopper told me more than once every day that I was beautiful and if I had made an effort he would let me know it was appreciated. It made me feel good about myself and made me put in more effort to the relationship. I think the ex ex just sort of stopped seeing me and the things I did for him which is why I stopped caring and stopped trying.

Yeah, I never stopped having a place in my heart for the ex ex but I’ve learnt that, that doesn’t mean my love for ex mr chopper wasn’t real or completely consuming. I could have been really happy with ex mr chop but that doesn’t mean I won’t be really happy with someone else one day. Maybe

Walking Away

For the sake of my health, sanity, heart and karma I am walking away from the ex ex situation and ended the insanely fast paced TV guy situation.

After having a good chat with TV guy I went to his last night with an open mind, willing to give this one last chance. He’s a nice enough guy but there just isn’t anything there for me. He doesn’t banter, he doesn’t really make me laugh, I don’t feel that need to be affectionate or physical with him, he doesn’t understand me to be honest. And I don’t understand him. There is something about him that sort of worries me as well and his view on women is a bit appalling. I understand that guys will be guys and chat shit about girls ‘oh shes fit oh I would’ blah blah but its constant with him and constant in front of me. You don’t do that when you’re with someone that you’re trying to develop something with cause its a bit rude really. I told him and dropped many many hints that I DON’T want anything serious, that this ISN’T anything serious so when his housemate called me his girlfriend and Tv guy didn’t correct him or even look concerned I knew that he’d been telling people that I was his girlfriend and my heart stopped and I panicked and just wanted to leave the house but I couldn’t get hold of moo cause my phone was being shit, then hers ran out of battery and by the time her message of I’ll come rescue you came through it was to late and I somehow ended up being committed to staying at TV guy’s place. I literally changed in to my pajamas and went straight to sleep and then the minute my alarm went off (at 7.30am) I was straight up, got dressed and even though moo was going to come pick me up (to go to uni), even though it was freezing, even though I could have waited downstairs, I started walking to meet her. I just couldn’t be in that house any longer. So The frigging End.

I feel a bit sorry for any new guys that come in to my life, I keep comparing them to ex mr chopper because before him I had never found that instant banter before and someone who completely understood my sense of humour from the first moment. And that is something I really cherished and loved and is now apparently a requirement for any guy in my life. I guess it might be a bit unfair but that banter has become something really important to me and the thing that I’ve missed the most with him.

I have to admit, got a bit fucked last night and stupidly stupidly texted ex mr chopper (have now re-deleted his number so I won’t do it again), asking him to please take back the ‘I hope your life remains always shit’ comment. I am having such a hard time understanding exactly what I’ve done to hurt him so much that he would hate me enough to say that. I just don’t understand this change in him, moo and I were talking about it and she’s like me, she just doesn’t understand how he went from this amazing fun person to this horrible horrible guy.

And after everything, after that comment, after the whole ‘your life is shitty’, I still just want to understand. I still just want to have an actual conversation and get everything out there and just move on from it all. Its been months now and I still just wish I could stop letting him affect me so much. I just wish he could feel what I feel so that he could understand as well. But this is another thing I’m just letting go now, as much as I use to wish things could be different they never will. Someone who was actually worth my time and thoughts would never have said what he did. And I’m finished with it

The Room Is Spinning

Want to vom and then sleep and then vom and then sleep a bit more but have so much assignment work to do. Which will start once the world is standing still again.

Drank a bottle and a half of wine to myself last night. In an attempt to escape from the world, which didn’t really happen, I just got mad and upset. Mad at ex mr chopper, mad at myself, upset at myself.

Had a nice dinner at TV guys and then a really surprisingly good time afterwards but I just don’t think I was really ready. So then I did the worst possible thing and left really quickly, phoned loverr, got more upset and did the ultimate in girly recoveries and bought wine and chocolate (and some fake kfc), hid in moo’s room and downed the lot. By the time moo got back I was very very drunk, swinging the almost empty wine bottle around, we went to get her some food and I was walking down the street shouting my head off, throwing around this bottle. Poor moo. She had to help me cross the road and everything. Aha. Oh and then I emailed ex mr chopper asking him to take the picture of me off cause it upset me, not the blog, just the picture and instead of just saying yeah sure and leaving it he actually tried to argue with me and then blocked me from seeing the blog and said that was good enough. Such a douche. Then finally saying he had deleted it but who knows if he’s telling the truth. I just didn’t understand why he had to be so difficult about it! I wasn’t asking a lot, I wasn’t trying to have a conversation or anything, I literally wanted that picture gone. I was even truthful about how I knew about it cause he asked so I don’t understand why he had to then be so insensitive about it. Whatever, it just goes to show that he may be ‘blogging’ his experiences but what he wrote in the one about me was a load of shit, if he meant any of it he wouldn’t have put up such a fuss about a picture.

Am feeling the effects now though. Dizzy, sick, headache, guilt. All present.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my heeeeaaaaaaad