RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU.

I chose you! Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand? I chose you to be the one, I chose you to be him. It’s not a choice I made for the fun of it you fucking asshole and its not a choice I can fucking take back. I went to yoga yesterday and I really enjoy it but at the same time I fucking hate it cause its all this meditation bullshit which makes you all comfortable and insightful in to yourself and the instructor kept banging on about how you are your choices, your choices are what make you and all I can do is fucking lay there in the dead baby pose or whatever its called and think, well that is fan-fucking-tastic because I CHOSE YOU AND YOU AREN’T HERE. WHERE THE FUCK ARE  YOU? YOU KNOW YOU’RE MEANT TO BE HERE RIGHT?

WHERE ARE YOU??? HOW ARE WE MEANT TO GROW WHEN WE AREN’T TOGETHER? HOW AM I MEANT TO MOVE THE FUCK ON WHEN I KNOW ITS WRONG? I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY AT YOU!! YOU ARE FUCKING UP AND I’M HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES ALONE! SO WHERE ARE YOU?

Where the hell are you babe? I just don’t understand. I am so lost

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Poem: Leave Me Be

Slighted,

pushed to the side, a smear on the window,

incomplete inside.

I’m a failure, a soldier, a daughter, a friend.

I’m everything, I’m nothing, a poem with no end.

I’m hungry inside, for life, for success,

But your ambition for you is putting me to the test.

There’s a hole in the middle,

There’s  a drain on my soul,

Your words put me under,

I have no control,

Back off.

Or I’ll surrender to the pain,

I’ll let my world stop spinning,

I’ll dance to my grave.

Ground Rules

These are the ground rules if you are going to be my sort of. every once in a while facebook friend. No asking me about my love life. No telling me about yours. No talking about shagging around. No references to our past. No references to our sexual past. Do not try and talk to me as if I am the same person. I’m not. What happened changed me and growing in to myself has changed me. No flirting. No asking for naked pictures (if you wanted them that badly then you wouldn’t have gotten rid of the real thing. Or the pictures you already had). Basically just leave sex, the past, shags/new gf’s out of it.

These aren’t completely constricting rules and yes it might mean that if you are going to chat to me then you are going to have to be creative in what we talk about but hinting that you would like to sleep with me again, that you would like naked pictures, referring to yourself as the ex and thinking thats fine to do, is not acceptable. And will probably never be acceptable. So if you actually truly want to be my friend you won’t get pissy about this, you won’t dismiss me as a ‘crazy’ woman, you will just abide by these few simple rules without complaint. Or you can fuck off and leave me alone.

Now if only I could get him to sign a copy of this…..

I know I wouldn’t need these rules if I wasn’t still hurt or if I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I know that he won’t understand why I need these rules because he hasn’t had feelings for me for a long long time. I know by imposing these rules he will probably realise (although this is ex chop were talking about) that I do still have feelings and he will run a million miles away from the situation (which honestly might be the best thing to happen). But I don’t care. I need these rules. He was being all jokey and flirting on facebook and went to write something about sleeping with people now he had a new place and I was just sat there frozen, staring at the screen, whispering don’t. Don’t finish that sentence. Don’t say what I know you are going to say. Don’t talk to me about you being with someone else. Please don’t hurt me like that. Luckily he wrote something completely different which even made me laugh but this is why I need the rules. So I’m not panicking over what he may or may not say to me. He asked me how the boys in AK are and I actually said back to him, sorry but I’m not going to talk about new guys in my life with the guy who was my life. Ok, not in those words but the gist was the same. He then made a joke about seeing me naked and again I said sorry, you lost the right to see me naked when you left me and yes this time I said it in so many words. I meant it. I meant I’m not talking about new guys in my life with him and I’m hoping he gets the hint and will not try that shit with me.

All I want is for him to be like look, I made a mistake, I’m still in love with you, I want you back and I will do anything to make it happen. And then I want him to say by the way, I’ve had to move back home cause I bought a ticket to Alaska. I’m staying at the Westmark and I’ll be here for two weeks. Come see me.

Is that little fantasy so hard to ask for? I don’t even need the I’m in Alaska bit. Just the I’m in love with you, lets make this work, you’re mine and I’m yours part.

I really don’t think thats to much to ask for. Right?

FFS Kathryn

I had a date today. A date with a nice cute funny interested guy of age!! who wanted to take me to dinner and then an ice hockey game. A date that we had, had set up 2 days ago. A date that I think I was actually looking forward to in a dreading sort of way. And instead of just doing in, getting out there, I did my usual freak out and bail. Again. For probably the hundred millionth time.

I think my problem is that I need to take it slow. Like way way way slow. Before the whole dinner thing came about I had suggested grabbing a coffee and I actually think I should have stuck with that cause I am freaked; freaked about being around someone I know nothing about and letting go and letting someone in and that kind of freaked just can not start with something as intimate as dinner and something else. I need something that will last for an hour or two maybe and then I can be on my merry way. Then next time (if there is a next time) catching lunch cause lunch is small and light and not all glam night time dinner date. Then maybe yes, dinner and a movie. In fact dinner whilst watching a movie would be perfect. Small teeny tiny baby steps. I’m like a wild cat who needs to be slowly tamed down in to being a normal cat again.

Then there is the whole I still love ex mr chop and feel like I’m cheating on him when I’m with someone new. When I was sleeping with the ex ex it wasn’t the same, I wasn’t cheating cause I was with the guy I left ex mr chop for and he was in a relationship so nothing could ever happen beyond a quick shag so it didn’t count. Putting myself out there with someone I could actually develop feelings and a relationship with counts as something; something permanent. Something that would turn ex mr chop in to the ex ex and I would really actually have to put him in the past and move on which I can’t do cause I still think that hes my soul mate and I don’t want to let that go. I’m not ready to let that go. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let that go.

Happy freaking new year

Where Do I Go From Here?

The pain is constant and untraceable. Dad doesn’t believe that its real and then gets angry when I don’t tell him about it. He thinks I’m making it up to a point, that its not that bad and partially in my head. I don’t know what to do with that, I don’t know how to make him understand how tired I am, how worried I am, how pissed off I am! Pissed off that this was supposed to be my big move and my big chance to change and for things to be better and instead I am so tired and hurt and unmotivated to get my new life really going because all I can do is think about the pain. Without pain meds I can barely move, I can barely breathe, my vision goes black and the only release I have is to cry and scream in silence. Dad says it can’t be that bad because he doesn’t see me in that much pain. He then says all I do is hide in my room. Somehow, he doesn’t make the connection that he hardly sees me in pain because I deal with the worst of it in my room and my room is the one place that I can be somewhat comfortable because I can lay down with a heat pad and cry and let the pain show. He goes on and on about needing to work more, work more jobs, push myself more. He doesn’t understand that I am already pushing myself, working so hard to push through the pain and not let it stop me from working. He doesn’t see me at work needing to take a break just to lay down or trying to hide the pain and tears from customers and managers. Yeah I understand, the CT showed nothing, the bloods said no Cushings, the Lyrica seems to be ineffective, there is no known medical reason for the pain. I understand that. But WHY would I be faking this bullshit? WHY would I be trying to make it seem worse? If I’m lying then I am pretty freaking consistent to the point of being a sociopath because its the same shit all the time. I wish he would consider that.

Another job interview today for full time hours I think. I so can’t be bothered I’m not even slightly nervous, just kind of slightly annoyed that I have to go. Its not that I don’t want a job or full time hours, I am just so tired of crappy jobs that have no relevance to a career, I just feel like I’m putting in a lot of effort for something meaningless.

Time to get a move on

Fuck You

Fucking liar, liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar, years ahead, what a fucking fucking cruel fucking joke. Take it off, take off now, take it off a year ago. Don’t still be having those lies up for everyone to see still, don’t keep reading them yourself still. Fucking hell, take it down, delete it, do whatever just don’t be such a fucking hypocrite keeping that goddamn shit. Why, why even still have it up there, what is the fucking point you asshole.

Take it down, take it down, take it down, take it down

Frustration

Why am I still not fixed? I keep meeting these guys who I like and could have fun with and instead of doing that I’m avoiding them and sticking my head in the sand and acting like a complete twat. No one at work knows the real me, the guy at work who is really cute and seems really nice only knows this giggly fake side of me, the same side that the hobbit knew and I just can’t seem to get past it! I am so reluctant to show anyone the real me cause the real me managed to run off the love of my life. The real me is a fuck up and broken and devoid of anything good. The real me is sick and tired so much of the time. The real me is bored with guys who act like children. I worked with someone new yesterday and she asked if I had a boyfriend over here and my automatic response was a loud and resounding Hell No. See? I am becoming my worst fear and not getting over the hurt of ex mr chop. I need to get over the hurt. I need to trust again, I need to get out there.

And that just sounds like the scariest crappiest idea ever

Don’t Talk To Me, I’m Smarter Than You

My problem is, I have a hard time respecting or listening to someone if I feel like I am smarter than they are.

After letting loose a lot of what I’ve been holding back from mum the other day; the dark stuff, the hole, the bad thoughts, I think I scared her and she badgered my GP for an emergency appointment today where I then got referred a few hours later to go and have an initial assessment by this counsellor guy and was given a prescription for some anti-depressants. Ergh. Anyway, I relented because something does need to be done and I’m not helping the situation by hiding in bed all day.

So off to the counsellor man we went. My appointment wasn’t for an hour and a half or so but I knew if I went home I would never go.

He was a big fat pile of wank who talked at me, didn’t listen to what I was trying to say to him, tried to connect with me in the most intolerably patronising way, didn’t get me at all, didn’t seem to want to try. Told me he didn’t seem to think I had any serious issues and got treated as if I’m just in a bit of a slump. Within ten minutes of talking to him I had already shot mum a look as if to say ‘him? ummm no’. The fact there were so many openings for him to really understand what issues I’m going through which he just sort of ignored, even though they were so obvious, made me think a lot less of him and there went the respect. In the most polite way I could manage, I told him I wanted to talk to someone else and have a more in depth talk cause all we did today, all that he judged my situation on was a really short snap shot of time which achieved nothing. So now I am going for a generic assessment with someone who hopefully know what the fuck they are talking about. He told me that if I haven’t heard from anyone in a few weeks to ring. I told him that isn’t acceptable, that I am not safe to wait any more time and this needs to be done now.

Knobhead.

This is me fighting to get myself back. I’m not taking any shit anymore, I’m not waiting months for things to be sorted. I’m done being patient, I’m done risking more of my health and sanity for the NHS basically. They might want to chuck some pills at me and say good luck but I actually want to get better and I’m not accepting that as a fix

Tired Of It

I am so tired of the doctors and the NHS. I have been having test after test, blood samples after blood samples. I have been waiting patiently to get anything sorted, to have any sort of results and I thought today would be it and that I would finally have the set of results I NEED to be able to move on to the next round. Were they in? No of course not. And after some investigation apparently due to my last freaking stupid name being misspelt, I have a random hospital persona thats been messing up with my results as results have been sent for that ‘person’ and being lost in the great NHS hole. Not only that but my specialist nurse who I’ve had for the past 10 years, who was investigating some pretty personal things for/with me and who I haven’t been able to get hold of for the past month or so, has bloody left the hospital and gone away to a new hospital without saying a fucking word!! I was so hurt, shes been my nurse for years, she was one of the only people at the hospital I trusted and she left without even a goodbye let alone a warning that someone new, someone I don’t know and have never met will be taking over my case.

Wicked.

Its hard to give a shit about your health, about fighting the shit when the professionals who know how serious this shiz is don’t give a fuck and the people you trust just vanish. I give up though, I’m not doing the same tests for the fourth time, I’m not waiting around for more results that are never going to come. If the worst happens, the worst happens and I just don’t care anymore. I would rather live without constantly being scared and nervous and frustrated about results and tests.

I’ve tried going to my GP, I’ve tried to get counselling, I’ve tried asking for help and its just not there. I’m not trying anymore, I’m to tired. I’m not going to give up on myself but I am giving up on believing that there are people out there to help me. I have me and thats just going to have to be enough. I have mum and my people and thats what keeps me going which is good, having a purpose is good.

Discouraging yes. But I’m not being dragged down by it anymore