FFS Kathryn

I had a date today. A date with a nice cute funny interested guy of age!! who wanted to take me to dinner and then an ice hockey game. A date that we had, had set up 2 days ago. A date that I think I was actually looking forward to in a dreading sort of way. And instead of just doing in, getting out there, I did my usual freak out and bail. Again. For probably the hundred millionth time.

I think my problem is that I need to take it slow. Like way way way slow. Before the whole dinner thing came about I had suggested grabbing a coffee and I actually think I should have stuck with that cause I am freaked; freaked about being around someone I know nothing about and letting go and letting someone in and that kind of freaked just can not start with something as intimate as dinner and something else. I need something that will last for an hour or two maybe and then I can be on my merry way. Then next time (if there is a next time) catching lunch cause lunch is small and light and not all glam night time dinner date. Then maybe yes, dinner and a movie. In fact dinner whilst watching a movie would be perfect. Small teeny tiny baby steps. I’m like a wild cat who needs to be slowly tamed down in to being a normal cat again.

Then there is the whole I still love ex mr chop and feel like I’m cheating on him when I’m with someone new. When I was sleeping with the ex ex it wasn’t the same, I wasn’t cheating cause I was with the guy I left ex mr chop for and he was in a relationship so nothing could ever happen beyond a quick shag so it didn’t count. Putting myself out there with someone I could actually develop feelings and a relationship with counts as something; something permanent. Something that would turn ex mr chop in to the ex ex and I would really actually have to put him in the past and move on which I can’t do cause I still think that hes my soul mate and I don’t want to let that go. I’m not ready to let that go. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let that go.

Happy freaking new year

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