I chose you! Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand? I chose you to be the one, I chose you to be him. It’s not a choice I made for the fun of it you fucking asshole and its not a choice I can fucking take back. I went to yoga yesterday and I really enjoy it but at the same time I fucking hate it cause its all this meditation bullshit which makes you all comfortable and insightful in to yourself and the instructor kept banging on about how you are your choices, your choices are what make you and all I can do is fucking lay there in the dead baby pose or whatever its called and think, well that is fan-fucking-tastic because I CHOSE YOU AND YOU AREN’T HERE. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? YOU KNOW YOU’RE MEANT TO BE HERE RIGHT?
WHERE ARE YOU??? HOW ARE WE MEANT TO GROW WHEN WE AREN’T TOGETHER? HOW AM I MEANT TO MOVE THE FUCK ON WHEN I KNOW ITS WRONG? I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY AT YOU!! YOU ARE FUCKING UP AND I’M HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES ALONE! SO WHERE ARE YOU?
Where the hell are you babe? I just don’t understand. I am so lost
You told me that we had to be blocked from each other cause otherwise we would just keep messaging each other etc. You held strong for a while so why all of a sudden unblock me? Why make it obvious you have a girlfriend (so much for still thinking about me and not having a girlfriend since me etcbullshitetc) and then the same day, get rid of the evidence again? I’m probably reading waaay too much in to this to be honest. Maybe it means that he’s over it now and over me and having me blocked was pointless cause having me unblocked doesn’t make a difference to him. What ever the case may be, the second I realised he had made us visible to each other again, I blocked him.
I’m actually proud of myself. Usually I will block him for about a day and then unblock him and then the whole thing starts again, I do slight stalkage and then he will send a little message and then we get talking and then we end up in a bad place again. I guess either I’m growing up or I’m for a change putting my money where my mouth is and trying to move on. Its kind of sad that I can’t have him in my life at all, not even a small tiny part because it is way too painful and just makes me still hold on to the hope that maybe, somehow, some day, we will make it back to each other. It is this hope that keeps my feelings for him going and this hope that kills a part of me so I guess that this is what I’m now actively trying to get rid of. I seriously do not want to let this go though and this is where the problems all stem from. Its harder to let go of something that you just want to cling tightly to. But loving a man who doesn’t love me back is not the life I want for myself. I don’t want to be like my mum and dad, I want to move on and be happy and to look back one day and think yeah, we had good and bad times and that’s all there is to it.
It is honestly taking every piece of will power I have to not unblock him. My insides are hurting, my heart is aching, my head is heavy but I am still holding strong.
I literally don’t know why I’m even alive or what the point of being here is. Even when I think I’m doing good and being better, every single time I start feeling ok about myself, someone is there to remind me that I’m not and I’m still a fuck up and I’m still to hard to have around. Apparently I am a liar. Apparently I am constantly ungrateful and unhelpful. Apparently I am not trying. Apparently I didn’t know this; I really didn’t. I do now of course and I’m left wondering that obviously this is the person I am and I’ve tried to fix me and I’ve tried to ask for help and I’ve tried to be someone completely different and nothing seems to work so, what is the point.
I am not a liar. I am not a bad person. I am not ungrateful. I am not a total fuck up, I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol or been arrested or have a criminal record, I am not violent, I am not unhelpful. I am just not the person some people think I should be. I am just a bit defeated. I am just hoping to die. I am just lost. I am trying not to be these things but its going to take longer than a couple of months.