Thoughtful Mode

First weekend back at HAP was really  good; got two star of the moments, AM supervisor likes me, got to hang with heartbreak which was really fun. No manly prospects there cause they are all either ultrasounds (baha heartbreak, you crack me up) or on first name terms with mr.reaper. Not loving the new bag boys at the minute cause they seem disinclined to help with tallying which pisses me off when there are 6-8 of them standing around and then new girl heartbreak is nearing a stress meltdown. But I will kick them in to shape eventually.

After working at HAP though, I am kind of hating being back at TC. I dunno, I just don’t feel as excited or motivated to accomplish anything here, the boss man is fucking crazy, supervisor is a bitch, inventory guy is super stressful to be around, the work is just tedious. I’m kind of thinking that the plan is, once I know for sure that I’m going back to uni and thats all sorted, I’m going to hand in my resignation, work full time at HAP and then start school. I’m going to look for a part time job either on campus, at AK fitness or something close to home. If (on Thursday when I have my meeting with the uni guidance person) I’m told I can not do school till next year then obviously I will have to stick it out here. If I am told that uni is not really possible at all then I think I’m going to just leave AK. I might go to Seattle, I might go to Oregon or I might go back to the UK, work full time and live with moo. Who loves this idea the best aha. Yes I will miss little sis and bro and parentals but I came out to start over and if I can’t do that the way I wanted, I might as well go home and fix shiz there. I know now that I can and I’m capable. I know now that I can control my money and be a grown up. I miss moo, I miss UK. I don’t like American boys at all so theres nothing like that holding me back.

Maybe I’m just restless. Maybe I’m not a person that is meant to stay in one place for very long or maybe I’m the type of person who feels like if things are too sorted and placid that they need to be really shaken up. The thing is, I know once I have an idea in my head, it gets stuck there and niggles away at me until I do something about it. Christ, going back to the UK. Parentals would be pissed. And hurt. Mostly hurt I think. But again I don’t know, it would mean I wouldn’t be a burden on them anymore, they would have that extra room back and be able to be comfortable in their own home again. So yeah why don’t I just move out then? Cause I don’t want to live with people I don’t know, that thought it just horrendous to me.

If the college thing works out that would be amazing. I’m ready for it now, I’m ready to put the work in and I’m ready to start my future. I’m ready to be around people like me again. I’m ready to meet people who will eventually be good friends. I’m ready to not throw it all away this time, to not be controlled by a manipulative guy, to not put a guy above me and my needs and my goals. Being with the ex ex and going to uni was a mistake because he just used me as a maternal support system and I threw the whole uni experience away cause making him happy, not studying, not making friends, not putting things above him was more important. Cleaning up his messes and bailing him out time and time again basically ruined my life. And then jumping in to things with ex mr chop was like system overload. I feel like I have learnt from all of this.

I just wonder, what comes next?


Bitter Rant

I get it, everyone is all in love and happy and with the guy of their ‘dreams’ right now. I get that is an amazing feeling and time. But do I need to hear about it all day every day? Does every conversation have to be about the guy and how amazing he thinks you are. Even conversations that have nothing to do with being in a relationship or the guy, suddenly, miraculously becomes about the guy! Oh I had the most awesome shit earlier. Really?! Omg cause mr wonderful had the most awesome shit earlier as well! He is just sooo perfect and thinks I’m the one. And on. And on. Seriously, I know I sound like the bitter woman and yeah a part of me is kinda jealous but mainly I’m just bored! I really do not need to hear about every small detail about your guy or you and your guy. Why? Cause honestly, as long as hes not treating you like shit, I don’t give a fuck whats going on! I miss my friends! I miss chatting about anything and everything and now I’m stuck repeating the same shit over and over again ‘aww, oh wow, thats sweet, aww, oh wow, thats sweet’. I hate the way girls are like ohhh don’t choose a guy over your friends cause thats just like soooo wrong. And then as soon as they get a guy, you become this pathetic friendless ‘single’ person. I’m not even two faced about it, I have bluntly said, I am happy for you and of course you will want to talk about him with me but there is only so much per day I can take and you need to try and remember that I am not a loved up couples person. So going on and on at me is just going to piss me off. Yeah harsh maybe but I really can’t handle hearing the same stupid shit all the time.

I’m happy for my friends, I really am! I want them to be happy and to have a guy who loves them. I just want them to remember that I love them to and I will be here long after those ‘wonderful’ guys are gone.

On the plus side I actually got a ‘good job’ at work from the boss man today. I still want to punch him in the nads though 🙂

Tomorrow Is Another Day

I was pretty sure it would be better today. Even after I got home yesterday I started feeling better. Little sis was running around and making run around with her and being all playful which of course lifted my mood. Then I just chilled out and went to bed early and it was definitely better this morning. Then the morning meeting wasn’t that bad, even had a giggle fit cause my accent was causing all sorts of confusion. Bit shit trying to do solicits cause I have totally no idea about whats going on (still don’t) and need to do that photoshop stuff that I have no idea about. But have finally managed to get these signings sorted and on the go so now I hopefully won’t be fired for being incompetent.

I don’t know what happened yesterday at all. All I could feel was complete despair, just like when I was back at home. So, maybe I do have depression and maybe it doesn’t go away just because I told it to. Maybe it is something you live with always and you can fight it and it can be better and then sometimes its just there and there isn’t anything you can do about it except deal and move on. Who knows?

At least its a lot better today!

Not Again

I can feel it like a tide coming in, like there is something coming closer and closer and I’m about to be smothered. I know this feeling. Goddammit I fucking know this. There is nothing bad going on, there is nothing different, there have been no arguments, there is no tension, there are no bad feelings anywhere. But for some reason I am choking. I am literally about to fall apart. I don’t know why? I don’t understand whats wrong? I just came back from a really good weekend, I had loads of fun and got to drink and chill and be me. I’ve accomplished a lot at work today. I still have time to accomplish more.

I am sat here in my office trying not to cry. I feel like I am slipping down a hole. I feel like everything is terrible. I feel like everything is pointless, nothing matters, nothing I do matters, nothing I say matters. There are no consequences because I am not afraid of any consequences. I can feel my face and its stillness, there is no emotion. Its like my soul has just decided to take a walk somewhere. I don’t mean that I want to do bad things, just that I am empty right now. I want to tell the boss to fuck off, pick up my stuff and walk out. I want to tell people what I really think of them. I want to kiss pop tart guy and tell him I’m sorry for judging him. I want to go and sit in the middle of a crowd and just soak up the atmosphere they make just by being. I thought I was being? Is this just an episode? Will I feel better tomorrow?

I feel like everyone around me hates me. I feel like I am a failure and they hate me for that, they can smell it on me and it offends them. I feel like I’m not wanted but they can’t get rid of me.

I want to go home. I want to go and see moo. I want to go for a walk on the beach. I want a hug from someone who loves me for me. I want to be surrounded by the same accent, I want to be boring and blend in. I want to be invisible.

What the fuck is wrong with me?  Maybe I just need a shag. Ergh, now I’m even more depressed


Just had little sis roaring at me. Its funny to live with a midget aha.

I thought I would take some time out to focus on the good things going on right now instead of the slightly confusing negative things. Also to rant about work.

Went to the HAP bbq tonight and actually had a good time and met some really cool people, was bullied by luggage crew guys to join the softball team (as a cheerleader as me and sports is not a good combination) and think there is room for the trip to Denali this weekend which is basically all us 21+ people getting a free train ride up to denali, a free night at the hotel, free food and a massive booze up. Am pretty excited!! I totally HATE meeting new people but I’ve had to do sooo much of it in the past year that I’m actually good at it now. I know how to make conversation out of thin air and am generally thought of as quite funny. Bit of a gossip but I’m a girl so I can get away with it. Cute new truck driver guy is going this weekend as well so many many outfits need to be planned. Batman-chick is going and Mrs spears are going so I know that I will have at least two people to hang out with plus all the luggage guys who love me. Its going to be jokes I think. Got training tomorrow and Thursday and then I think I’ll be starting some time next week cause I told Boss lady that now moo isn’t coming for the summer, I can do some evenings during the week as well as AM shift on the weekend.

Soldier boy will be home for leave soon so I know I’ll at least be getting a shag out of that. Oh my god seriously though, its been nearly a year since I’ve been laid and I am literally climbing the walls. No boys, no bullet. I’ve been going out of my mind! Its not even that I haven’t had the opportunity, I’m just not good at the random see ya shag. TV guy was an exception cause we were actually kind of dating and I felt like shit afterwards so it doesn’t really count. The ex ex was a massive mistake of massive proportions (blerghhhhhh makes me feel so sick thinking about that). So yeah, been time since I’ve had a good guilt free shag. And the porn just isn’t cutting it anymore.

Chick will be home soon yaaaaaaay, a whole 4 months of chick-ness! Which of course means parties, drinking, smoking and getting in trouble at work aha. Need to sort out her internship thing!

So yeah. Trying to be friends with ex mr chop was confusing on loads of levels cause I’ve never really dealt with my feelings about him. Sometimes I think I still love him, sometimes I think that I’m totally fine with it and we are just friends. I think though that I really need to take the time to stop being so in love with the past and looking at it through my massive rose tinted glasses, see it for what it was, except it and get over it. Cause I would like to be actual friends one day, we were really good mates before any shit went down, no guy has ever just gotten my banter before and not been afraid to dish it right back (without going to far). And yeah, the sex was the best I’ve ever had. So far though. I keep forgetting that I have soooooo much more to come. And cum hopefully baha.

Optimistic mood tonight. And tired, must sleep.


Rant over. Peace

Just An Odd One

Just been a bit of an odd day today. Finally got my phone charged up and turned on and had a random message from soldier boy telling me about how he got laid on the weekend and then spent the rest of the day basically talking about this and about how he was invited to join in a gangbang tonight and I’m just like excuse me? For a few weeks it seemed like there would be something between us and then I kind of realised there couldn’t be an actual future with him cause he’s all young and shit and would just do the same as ex mr chop and then we basically didn’t talk for about 2 weeks and then I get this message? Its just weird. Maybe it was all in my head? Maybe we are just sort of friends? But the talk about when he’s going to be back and wanting to see me and know when is best for me and wanting to go on a trip and trying to convince me what a great boyfriend he’d make? Why would we just be friends? I dunno, just weird. Then there was deleting ex mr chop off my fb (actually moo went on my account and did it cause I literally couldn’t bring myself to). He won’t realise for a while I don’t think. It needed to be done though. I fucking tried! I really fucking did, I fucking tried to be cool about it and be all moved on and I’m fucking not, I still feel too strongly that us not being together is wrong and that hes the one and I love him. I love him and pretending that I could just be his friend was torture basically. When he does realise hes not going to understand. Hes either going to ignore it or send me a message asking whats going on? I don’t know what I’ll say or if I’ll say anything. I feel like I want to say, I’m not allowed to love you, for some reason I can’t hate you and being your friend just felt like a lie. AND THEN I got a random message from stalker boy who I thought had gotten the hint AND THEN ‘betes lad, mutual friend of mine and ex mr chop, was sex this and sex that and sent me a short porn story he had made up about me and him. Its just so weird cause he met me and ex mr chop at the same time, I was ex mr chop’s girlfriend, we were all going to live together. And now hes all ohh I want to cum on your tits and I feel like even though he is still ex mr chop’s good friend, I’m fair game or something. Maybe he knows ex mr chop is so totally not interested in anything I do that its safe to come on to me like this.

All in all a very strange day. And I know its going to be another busy week where I’m going to be around all these people I don’t know and have to be charming which is just so exhausting!

Ground Rules

These are the ground rules if you are going to be my sort of. every once in a while facebook friend. No asking me about my love life. No telling me about yours. No talking about shagging around. No references to our past. No references to our sexual past. Do not try and talk to me as if I am the same person. I’m not. What happened changed me and growing in to myself has changed me. No flirting. No asking for naked pictures (if you wanted them that badly then you wouldn’t have gotten rid of the real thing. Or the pictures you already had). Basically just leave sex, the past, shags/new gf’s out of it.

These aren’t completely constricting rules and yes it might mean that if you are going to chat to me then you are going to have to be creative in what we talk about but hinting that you would like to sleep with me again, that you would like naked pictures, referring to yourself as the ex and thinking thats fine to do, is not acceptable. And will probably never be acceptable. So if you actually truly want to be my friend you won’t get pissy about this, you won’t dismiss me as a ‘crazy’ woman, you will just abide by these few simple rules without complaint. Or you can fuck off and leave me alone.

Now if only I could get him to sign a copy of this…..

I know I wouldn’t need these rules if I wasn’t still hurt or if I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I know that he won’t understand why I need these rules because he hasn’t had feelings for me for a long long time. I know by imposing these rules he will probably realise (although this is ex chop were talking about) that I do still have feelings and he will run a million miles away from the situation (which honestly might be the best thing to happen). But I don’t care. I need these rules. He was being all jokey and flirting on facebook and went to write something about sleeping with people now he had a new place and I was just sat there frozen, staring at the screen, whispering don’t. Don’t finish that sentence. Don’t say what I know you are going to say. Don’t talk to me about you being with someone else. Please don’t hurt me like that. Luckily he wrote something completely different which even made me laugh but this is why I need the rules. So I’m not panicking over what he may or may not say to me. He asked me how the boys in AK are and I actually said back to him, sorry but I’m not going to talk about new guys in my life with the guy who was my life. Ok, not in those words but the gist was the same. He then made a joke about seeing me naked and again I said sorry, you lost the right to see me naked when you left me and yes this time I said it in so many words. I meant it. I meant I’m not talking about new guys in my life with him and I’m hoping he gets the hint and will not try that shit with me.

All I want is for him to be like look, I made a mistake, I’m still in love with you, I want you back and I will do anything to make it happen. And then I want him to say by the way, I’ve had to move back home cause I bought a ticket to Alaska. I’m staying at the Westmark and I’ll be here for two weeks. Come see me.

Is that little fantasy so hard to ask for? I don’t even need the I’m in Alaska bit. Just the I’m in love with you, lets make this work, you’re mine and I’m yours part.

I really don’t think thats to much to ask for. Right?