Been A While

So long in fact, that I am now a married woman. That’s right, you heard me, I took the plunge, got hitched, became a ball and chain. Possibly a bit of a spur of the moment decision which became an actual wedding conceived in a month, but I know we’re happy and that’s all that I want. For the both of us.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. That’s how I’ve always tried to be with this site, with my writing. I have totally reverted back to bad habits and I don’t know why. I dropped my classes for now because with the wedding stuff, I was basically going to royally fuck up my GPA. But I miss classes, I miss having the pride in myself of being in school and doing well. I feel less intelligent which is stupid. I’m just seriously dragging my feet around and I think it’s because I am so focused on moving (leaving AK to move to CA  for a year while hubby trains and then fuck knows where). I feel like I am on hold right now. I am definitely one of those people who lives in the future rather than the present, which can be seriously problematic when it means I’m not accomplishing anything in the present. I’m worried about myself. Not about being depressed, I’m not and haven’t been in a really long time, but about just stagnating and not doing anything about it. The only time I feel vibrant or alive is when hubby is home and we can hang out.

ex mr chop got engaged in December. I still find myself missing him from time to time, it was a little painful when I found out he was engaged. I am happy for him. I just can’t help but wonder if I will always wonder, just a tiny tiny part of me, whether it should have been us. But then I think no, he is with someone like him, and I am with someone who gets not only who I am but also what I need. Hubby understands me more than anyone or even more than I understand me, and it’s powerful and scary and the best feeling in the world. I am so worried he is going to find out what a fuck up I am and it will ruin us. Paranoia I’m sure though.

The run up to the wedding was pretty stressful, planning a wedding in a month is no small feat. Our engagement story isn’t an epic romantic ‘notebook’ kind of deal, but it makes me smile because it was so us. I’d been worried for months about his moving away and re-training, it was causing so much tension with us because I don’t like, trust, believe in, or want a long distance relationship, I think it is stupid to not be with the person you love (most likely a fall out of having dad in AK while we were in the UK). So then we both went to our homes for christmas, came back, and I finally really straightforwardly said I don’t want long distance, I love you, I want it to work, but I don’t think I can do it. So it’s a new day, he texts me, says he got his re-train placement and finally has a definite yes, as well as a leaving date. Oh. I shut the fuck down so fast I was even shocked. He got home that evening and I couldn’t barely look or talk to him, I’d never been that quiet before. So then he goes to bed and I don’t (another first, we always always go to bed together), but after a while I go in and I finally open up about how I’m proud of him, how I really do want the best for him, and he starts cuddling me and asks if it would be different if we got married. What do you mean I say? Would I come with him, would I leave AK and my family here behind? I said yes but we aren’t married, I need a realistic response and solution. So marry me. Two days later we got rings, one month later we got married.

Our love story is the opposite to my other love stories with the ex ex and ex mr chop. It’s less dramatic, less problematic, less childish, more real, more adult, more supportive. Hubby can handle my diabetes, my mood swings, my snarkiness. He doesn’t roll over, he lets me know when he’s at his limit. I feel most like myself with him. Which is awesome.

We adopted a cat who looks exactly like Buffy. Trust me, the irony of this is not lost on myself.

I went home in December and found out that Moo (who is still not talking to me even though I have sent a bunch of emails etc), is expecting a baby in April. So congrats Moo, I hope you’re happy. I wish I was there to see it or even for us to be talking in any capacity. So hit me up.

By the way, taking someone’s name in marriage is a huge pain of the arse over here.

Oh. Oh No

I haven’t been struck by lightening since ex mr chop. Not only did I get struck by lightening today, I felt something come back alive in me that has been cold and buried for a really long time. That sensation of falling down a rabbit hole and inviting it? I haven’t wanted that in such a long long time and today I’m just going with it.

And I shall name him the music man. Haha, which is actually really perfect. He is just soooo easy to talk to! No odd silences because there was just soo much to talk about and he can just chat and chat and he’s so lovely to listen to. We have so much in common and he is pretty much everything that I know I need and want in someone. He has the humour and the banter, the same interests but will inspire me to grow. He has the charm without the smarm, he has the smile and the smarts, the sarcasm, fun. He is someone who I know would look after me but wouldn’t make me lose myself. Hes been through life, been through intense life situations, is an older sibling, knows what he wants, knows who he is. Hes the adult I’ve been looking for who isn’t completely there yet, hes still growing and so I can grow with him :). He is so sweet and lovely!! With him I feel that…spark. I haven’t felt that spark since the ex chop, I didn’t think I would feel the spark again!

I know it is really early days and who knows what the future is going to be like or if we will even make each other happy. Who knows if we are both honest about our intentions. Only giving it a chance will let me know though and even though I am terrified of what could happen and so scared of what I am feeling, I forgot how alive clicking with someone can make me feel, how hopeful and excited and amazed at how things can just happen. If I hadn’t taken a chance on him, if we hadn’t taken a chance on each other, than this would never have happened! Which is weird to think about, why him, why now? Am I ready? Am I worth it? I know I have a lot more to offer nowadays, I’m much less of a mess than I was. Already we’ve both broken boundaries with each other that we hide behind.

I can not wait to see how this one pans out!

I Am Surrounded By Crazy Muthafuckas

Seriously. Surrounded. If I am sat in the spine studying, I am either sat near that one crazy dick who looks like he’s about to take people out or the couple fighting, the girl talking to herself, being joined by random guys who decide that me studying DURING FINALS is the best time to chat me up. Or I am at the annex with the super angry guy who likes to yell at the computer and cuss it out or the random guy who is one second sitting and the next booking it out of the room in what I can only assume is an attempt to blow shit up and get out of the way first and now a guy having a whole fucking conversation to himself. Amd the guy who booked it out all of a sudden came back and then walked out all evil villain style, flipping his hoodie up. I am legit scared. I want to leave.

What.The.Actual.Fuck.

She Jersey Shore’d Me!

Last night was party at mr BMW’s parent’s place, usual crowd and a few different people. Was such a fucking dramatic spectacle! Holy christ! First, wrestler gets all drunk and emotional and keeps having to be talked off the edge by the gf who officially is openly hating me now “I’m surprised you’re not wearing one of your ‘party’ dresses” “I nearly stepped on her head!…Good”. WTF DID THE DRESS COMMENT MEAN?? Sorry that I wear dresses and leggings and not just jeans and tshirt all the time. I’m sorry I have a good sense of style whereas you already dress like a soccer mum who has given up. Fuck you. Then there is batshit crazy who I totally accidentally bump in to, a small bit of her drink gets on her, I immediately apologise and she after a few minutes decides to dump her whole drink over me Jersey Shore style! BITCH I AM FROM SHIRLEY, I WILL FUCK YOU UP. And then finally, to top the whole evening off, S gets pissed at me cause I didn’t think it was a huge deal that mr BMW was playing with the music.

These people are all fucking insane.

Then this morning I wake up to wrestler dude who had texted me saying that I turned my back on him, didn’t support him and that we needed to talk cause he wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt. What benefit of what doubt??? I was so fucking confused and then all day its just been back and forth and you know what, I am tired of these people treating me like a FUCKING OBJECT. I’ve ‘claimed’ you, you’re mine. What?! I am a fucking person! I will be your friend but I am not a fucking pet or iphone or something. I appreciate that it means these people really care about me but back the fuck off.

I am consistently single, I know how to be single, I don’t see anything wrong with being single. But goddamn, I have never had a group of people make me feel so shit about it before! Its so easy to start drama with me cause its just me defending myself. Its easy to make me the punching bag cause I don’t have an other half in my corner. Fuck that! Don’t fucking disrespect me just because I don’t have a fucking boyfriend! At least I can spend more than 5 mins on my own without going mad, at least I have my own life and not one that I have to share with someone, at least I can make my own decisions, at least I can live the way I want. Relationships are nice and shit but that doesn’t mean not being in a relationship is a total downer. Assholes.

I know I’m really angry because of all the stupid shit last night and cause it’s day one of monthlies. It wasn’t a bad night to be honest, pageant girl showed up and we hung out and that was really fun, got my drink on and made some new friends. Bonded with BMW guy and airsoft guy. Now I am just going to avoid everyone for a while haha.

Just about 3 weeks before going home. I am trying so hard not to think about it because I just want it to be now. I want to go and see my moo and loverr and treacle and Bournemouth and London and soak it all in. I want to see him, every single particle in me is vibrating thinking about it, thinking about if he will get in touch, if we will see each other, what will happen, what won’t happen. Will I be fine, will I be devastated? I just want to know.

Fucking hell I hope he gets in touch

Shitty Situation

So the guy who I like and likes me (FRIENDLY LIKE, REPEAT FRIENDLY) who has the gf, sometimes words things in a way that I’m worried if his gf is reading is misconstruing and that is where this animosity is coming from. We both know that we get on really well and I think have both been kind of thinking that our time as friends is coming to an end cause the gf really does not like it. Its a shame cause we do get on really well and its totally like he is another girlyfriend of mine but after the random attacking txt from her today, and the weird sounding texts from him last night (which sound sort of like she was on the other end of the phone), I think its time to give this one up for a lost cause and not talk anymore unless in a social situation. I don’t make friends easily or often, not ones that I genuinely like and get on with without having to be someone I’m not so I’m sad that I can’t be friends with him but it’s really starting to be more trouble than its worth.

As for making friends, I am totally in love with my fellow persuasive writing group friend! She is totally awesome and funny, reminds me a lot of batgirl actually. Had a really fun time going to the strip club with her, her boyfriend and their friend last night so am hopeful that maybe I’ll be inducted in to another group (who are all way chill stoner types haha).

Gah, complicated life as always

Time For A Revamp!

The perilous tides of academics have once more sweetly called my name and I am back within the walls of knowledge in the pursuit of the dream!

Catchy ay?

This summer has been ridiculous. Full time as a GSH in Alaska, up at 2-3am every day, trying to juggle family, friends, the job, saving, bills, the ever changing feelings for the boyf, the abortion, the homesickness, the fear of the future and everything in between. I’ve written more private than public posts recently in an attempt to shelter the deepest and darkest places within (and because I have become aware of some snoopers. Suffice to say, good at keeping my secret identity secret I am not). I have been exhausted by life and for some reason I thought the end of the so called summer would bring a respite; alas it is not meant to be.

I am thoroughly loving my classes, albeit slightly terrified that I have lost all mental capacity over the summer and will fail every single one. I am taking classes I paid no attention to in my former life and it has been amazing what the brain attains of what was thought lost. Fancy way of saying I am remembering shit. I would call week one a marginal success with definiate room for improvement. Although am impressed with self that as busy as I have been and with as little time spent in the home, I have kept up with expected responsibilities and have yet to be yelled at. I’m sure that time will come…

Just once eensy little minor upset (of which I am blaming for the setback of a completely successful week), and that would be the boyfriend.

I have never had to experience a time where it was obvious to all that I cared vastly more for a guy than he does for me. Its really sad actually; I have all this poetry that is withering, like a glorious sunflower which is going to rot. The fact I care more is not what is bothering me but rather the fact of the very little I ask for which is going unheeded. I am told I am important and cared for, the only person whom he can be himself and honest with. I am also told that he doesn’t really know what he feels or wants and I am constantly reminded that this is his first and longest relationship with a real emotional connection. Ok I fucking get it, you are not where I am and have never been where I am. I want a relationship and he doesn’t know what he wants. I am not hiding what I need from him and I am not pretending to want less than I really do. He says he does not want to lose me and wants to be the guy for me. Awww I hear you say.

Except.

I have seen him (longer than 10mins) twice in the past three weeks. For people in the first six months of a relationship, that lack of time and intimacy is creating a real hardship on establishing a connection. A connection made through time, skin, moments made and shared, laughs, hugs, touches. He sees me through a window and seems content that this brief visual, one I am not even aware of, is all he needs. Maybe for him but for me? A resounding no. This is not all his fault, we both have such busy and varied schedules, it is extraordinarily difficult to find the time to be together. Which is hard but something I could deal with if I thought that this affected him in the same way it affected me.

I am a person of chances. I will give chance after chance until there is nothing left of me. I am not saying this is a particularly wonderful aspect of myself but it is one that stands true to my whole self. So while all of this is going on between the boy and myself, I am still trying and still pushing for him to try and knowing me, I will keep going until I break or he walks away. A part of me is thinking that if he was going to feel for me the way I’d like him to, it would have happened already or at least he would be acting like he was on the way. A part of me thinks maybe we would be better off as friends. With benefits? Possibly, but when we barely have time for each other as people in a relationship, I doubt we would find time as two single people. I also highly doubt I could now just be a hook up to him.

I wish we had close mutual friends, not having someone who really knows us is frustrating to say the least!

What a doozy…..

Oh, What’s In A Name?

Exclusive but without labels. So….isn’t that a label? I’m actually fine to not be all ohhhh lets be boyfriend/girlfriend, it takes a lot of pressure off. Still, mexican man and myself, since last night, decided to be exclusive to each other. Which is nice. I’m actually really happy, I really like him, I really like being around him, I really like being naked with him (literally has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen, especially since it decided to start behaving. After the luck I’ve had with American todgers, I feel like this is a gift sent from on high). I can’t wait to get him in bed while everyone is away and ruin him :D.

So obviously had to let go of duff. I like him but not in the same way as mexican man. We just aren’t on the same wave length at all and to be honest, me and mexican man have a really similar schedule and when we get busy with work and shiz, we both totally understand whereas I feel like I keep letting duff down cause he wants to hang out and do all these things but I just honestly don’t have the time. And he does not have a beautiful willy like mexican man. Who I might just start referring to as faux-bf.

Faux-bf. I really like him. He makes me feel all tiny and cute and sexy at the same time. He makes me smile and hes so fucking considerate and holy shit, I am so fucking horny for him!! I’m actually happy. Like, really honest to God happy. I only have a few concerns and I think that was inevitable, look at my history with guys! I feel safe with faux-bf cause I don’t believe that he would ever hurt me or fuck me over. Except that is exactly what I thought with ex mr chop and look what happened there! Maybe feeling safe isn’t a good thing. I’m worried I could maybe possibly potentially fall for this guy and while I do really like him, I really don’t want to have my happiness depend on a guy ever again, I don’t want to feel jealous, I don’t want to miss him and be sad, I don’t want to start being all psycho girl. Possibly being aware of these things I don’t want might mean that I won’t let it happen?

It feels weird to have actually let go of ex mr chop. I spent sooo much time being sad about him and hanging on to the thought of what we were and now we are actually being able to be friends and not get all snarky and emotional at each other. There will always be a part of me that he will have. He was the most sincere love I’ve ever experienced, even if he didn’t feel the same way, he is not someone I will ever forget. But it doesn’t hurt anymore, it doesn’t feel awful to think about him or have him pop up every so often. I’m excited and glad to have my friend back! It makes me happy that I can give this thing with mexican man a real chance and not be all hung up on ex mr chop. I still think that there is a part of me that is still closed off and it’s going to take a lot to unfreeze that little last bit of hurt, but at least now I think that its do-able.

Yay 🙂

Leave It Now So Not Blindsided Later?

I am honestly making decisions based on how I feel rather than how I feel about someone. I feel like I can see what I want, what I don’t want, what something will be, a lot clearer nowadays, a by product I suppose of what I’ve been through.

I went out on the date with mexican man, we hung out with people, went to a few bars, had a really good time and made out. I like him, he’s easy to talk to and funny and smart. Definitely a motivated guy. Attractive, good kisser. Has texted me a few times, wants to see me soon, had a really good time. Apparently we might be hanging out later which might be nice? He’s going to be sorely disappointed though if he’s just in it for the shag cause I’m currently cruising the crimson tide. I think I like him.

Went out with duff can man last night, was his date at his company’s annual dinner. To be honest it was kind of awful at first! Got there, he was just really awkward which made me feel really awkward. It was a room full of older, married, engaged or pregnant chemists, all talking chemist talk, making me feel like an idiotic pre-teen trying to fit in with the ‘grown ups’. He does this thing where he makes me feel small because of my age, that I’m still such a child. Perhaps I’m projecting a few of my own insecurities from the evening on to him and what he was saying but it was still not good. He knew it as well, he later said that he was sorry cause it seemed like I didn’t have a good time. I lied, said I had. We hung out for a bit afterwards, talked. Things he said, like how he wants to be able to vent but doesn’t like people venting to him. Umm what? And how he doesn’t like being told what to do at work (he’s one of those who, when in a managerial position, prefers to be liked rather than making anyone under him work, which I do understand but at the same time, suck it up!), which is why he bounces around a bit with jobs. Not a good sign. I just feel like we are in two different places, he is looking more for an outdoors loving, gun toting republican wifey type and I am the exact opposite to all those things and really not looking to be anyones wifey type. I feel like I should just give it a little more time, see what is going down and then make a decision. He did finally make a move and prove he has man balls which was nice, it was just kind of intense when hes gazing at me and stroking my cheek and being all submissive. I feel like he trys hard to be a reall guys guy and then alone with me will be all…soft? I don’t want to be with another guy where in public he’s a dick and in private he’s a pussy cat. Been there, doesn’t work.

It sucks that I am on my period cause I am just way horny and honestly not really in any state of mind to make decisions about boys when all I want to do is play with a penis

Getting Use To A New Life

I am a full time student at uni, I am working as a lab assistant, I have officially left Todd, I’ve been on a few dates now with the grown up, I’ve been having these run ins with mexican man and have an official date with him tonight, I’ve made a few friends now at uni, one in particular who is totally my type of funny sarcy girl. Mexico next month and then house sitting for chick’s parents. Miss chick. Chick should come home. Yes you should.

The grown up. At least 4 dates, went out with him last night, sledding of all things (was actually fun, just terrifying), and still nothing! Not even a peck on the cheek! I don’t get it? Either hes gay, isn’t actually interested or I smell like a tramp. Could possibly be the tramp thing. Its just a little crazy to me that we’ve hung out quite a bit and I’ve met his friends, hes met my dad, I’m going as his date to his company work dinner and yet we still haven’t even kissed! Batgirl said that its a good thing, that hes an adult who knows what he wants, isn’t just after a shag and maybe I’m just not use to being treated with respect. Which could all be true except I feel like there’s been more than enough respect at this point. I think that if he doesn’t make a move after tomorrow night then I’m going to have to have a chat with him.

I feel kind of guilty actually, I know hes not seeing other people and I feel a bit bad that I’m going out with this other guy tonight, who I also actually really like. Hes a really nice guy who I feel a little more relaxed around to be honest. Just a bit hesitant cause he is a younger guy (only by a few months) but we do seem to have more in common and are in more of the same-ish place in life. He goes to my uni as well (we seem to have similar schedules cause we run in to each other all the time) and it might be nice to have someone to chill with at uni cause he will totally understand my need to do work and will be in the place that I spend the majority of my time. Now that I work there I guess it really is where I’ll be spending most of my time. The funny thing is, I will be working in the engineering building which is where most of his classes are cause that’s his major. No stalking, just coincidence! I’m just not sure if I’m being sneaky? Cause he doesn’t know about the grown up either. I just feel like, until someone has said to me hey are we exclusive, I’m not tied to anyone and if I want to see more than one person I can. Just going to be a bit tight time wise. I don’t know, maybe I’m just rationalizing things to suit me?

I emailed ex mr chop the other day, just a hey hows life, kind of thing. Not because I missed him in the I love you sense, I was just curious cause its been a while. I didn’t get the stomach flip or anything when he replied and I didn’t even get around to replying back for a little while. Just another clue in that I really think I’m over the whole thing.

Might take a nap before this thing tonight. Mmmm plan

Change

I am probably one of the worst people when it comes to dealing with change. I hate it, I hate change, I hate deviating from the normal routine and if I don’t have a routine, I’m a misery to be around and if I do have a routine and it changes, I freak. So, knowing this about myself, why do I feel the need to make loads of massive changes all at the same time?? I’m with a steady boyfriend of 4 years, I jump ship to another guy, risk losing an important friend. I decide to take said guy to meet American father, quit my job, go for an internship. I move back home. I move to another country on a whim. I jump from one job to the other until I land a full time position. I’m happily in that full time position, just starting to feel like I really know the job and then quit to start back at uni. No other job on the horizon yet. Seriously freaking out cause really don’t have much money and apparently to do well at university, one must spend about $500 on books. Change, change, change. I guess deep down I get really bored and feel the need to spice things up. A lot.

Also, guys. I swear to god, every time chick comes home she completely helps turn my shit upside down (love her for it). For one, I actually genuinely think I’ve reached the other side with ex mr chop. I honestly can say that thinking about him doesn’t make me feel sad or in love anymore. I don’t think I love him anymore. Instead of that warm feeling I would get thinking about him, now I just feel kind of…disinterested. I also feel like a bit of an idiot for how I carried on and on about missing him blah blah.

There is this guy. Bit of a history with him, met him last year, was supposed to go on this great date but I harshly bailed and then he had to go back to where he was based and he only just got back like a year later. I like him. I like him in the way that I have a little bit of butterfly action in my belly. I like him in the way that he is the first person since ex mr chop that I actually really want to sleep with. I can’t wait to hang out with him on saturday and go on a real date with him. I’m also scared. I might be coming out the other side of ex mr chop but I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with the bullshit that comes along with being with someone. That’s even if we get on or whatever.

Really, I just need to focus on school and work and making something of myself. I need to put me first from now on.

A shag would be nice though!