Well This Is New

I have never had a boyfriend who I thought I was really in to, who finished with me and it didn’t leave me totally cut up. I feel fine, relieved, even happy? I think I was forcing myself to care more about than I really did because I didn’t want to remember the relationship as the guy who got me pregs, I wanted there to be something much more meaningful. But we were never really right for each other, it was never meant to be something serious.

My first taught me to know love, the ex ex taught me my limits, ex mr chop showed me what falling headfirst in love could be, poetry guy taught me I will not put up with crap I use to, the adult taught me I need someone on my wavelength and ex mexican man? He taught me I do want a future with a partner but at the same time that its ok not to fall in love with every person I am with. So I am at 6 life lessons right not, apparently you go through 9 before you’re ready to find that ultimate love.

I guess I am more on track than I thought. Its nice to know that I really am ok as well 🙂

Playaaaaa

I actually feel kind of bad about this, I’m not really 100% sure about what the rules are?

Went over to duff’s house the other night, he cooked me dinner and then there was a couple of hours worth of sex, some cuddling and then had to get home. The sex was good, not mind blowing but as first times go with someone new, wasn’t the worst I’ve had by a long shot. Still not hugely impressed with American boys though. He seemed in to it which was nice. The part that sort of freaked me out afterwards was the cuddling. Full on, right on top of each other, big spoon to my little spoon, falling asleep cuddling. Ick. I don’t know, I like that kind of cuddling, but not yet. Not when I’m still not sure how I really feel about him. Also the wanker hasn’t called me since (Ok, to be fair, its been a day but still, if you sleep with a girl, fucking call her the next day!). Overall a mostly enjoyable experience.

I have a date with Mexican man tomorrow night. This I am actually really excited about, I’ve been wanting to properly hang out with him since we went out last Friday. We see each other around campus a bit (I’ve actually turned in to the girl who is now purposefully trying to run in to him. Stalker. Aha) and he is just so handsome and nice and really feel like we have a lot in common. The only thing that sucks is how busy we both are. Him more so than me. I feel like this is a guy I could fall for and its really scary cause I don’t know what his intentions are, I don’t know if that is something he would want, I don’t know if he thinks about me like that or if I’m just a shag that might be a once/twice a week occurrence (you know, when he has the time). He knows really fucking attractive girls, what would he want with me? He is graduating next semester and is done with Anchorage. There are all these factors that could become real problems and yet I sort of don’t care. I mean, I do care cause ultimately going to suck if it ends up being something but at the same time I would rather risk it than not. Which is the first time in a long time that I’ve thought that way, generally its been protection mode.

This is why I feel bad though. I like duff, I like Mexican man, I think i like Mexican man more but then I went ahead and slept with duff? Do they need to know I’m seeing other people? When do I have to make a choice, a decision? Do I owe either of them an explanation? I have a feeling that I’m keeping duff around until I know whats going on with Mexican man which I know is completely awful but I’m not prepared to choose or make a decision about anything yet.

Scariest shit happened yesterday in the Union. I was sat on one of the sofas and on the sofa next to me was this guy who randomly picked up his mobile and started talking about all this supposed information he had on this girl who has recently gone missing. So I called the police, took a picture of him, made a statement and had to wait until he was questioned before I could leave. Scary scary shit. Not scary because I was scared of the guy but scary because what sort of person calls the family saying he has info if he doesn’t, what kind of person has info like this and keeps it to himself all this time? Very strange situation.

Strange week

Getting Use To A New Life

I am a full time student at uni, I am working as a lab assistant, I have officially left Todd, I’ve been on a few dates now with the grown up, I’ve been having these run ins with mexican man and have an official date with him tonight, I’ve made a few friends now at uni, one in particular who is totally my type of funny sarcy girl. Mexico next month and then house sitting for chick’s parents. Miss chick. Chick should come home. Yes you should.

The grown up. At least 4 dates, went out with him last night, sledding of all things (was actually fun, just terrifying), and still nothing! Not even a peck on the cheek! I don’t get it? Either hes gay, isn’t actually interested or I smell like a tramp. Could possibly be the tramp thing. Its just a little crazy to me that we’ve hung out quite a bit and I’ve met his friends, hes met my dad, I’m going as his date to his company work dinner and yet we still haven’t even kissed! Batgirl said that its a good thing, that hes an adult who knows what he wants, isn’t just after a shag and maybe I’m just not use to being treated with respect. Which could all be true except I feel like there’s been more than enough respect at this point. I think that if he doesn’t make a move after tomorrow night then I’m going to have to have a chat with him.

I feel kind of guilty actually, I know hes not seeing other people and I feel a bit bad that I’m going out with this other guy tonight, who I also actually really like. Hes a really nice guy who I feel a little more relaxed around to be honest. Just a bit hesitant cause he is a younger guy (only by a few months) but we do seem to have more in common and are in more of the same-ish place in life. He goes to my uni as well (we seem to have similar schedules cause we run in to each other all the time) and it might be nice to have someone to chill with at uni cause he will totally understand my need to do work and will be in the place that I spend the majority of my time. Now that I work there I guess it really is where I’ll be spending most of my time. The funny thing is, I will be working in the engineering building which is where most of his classes are cause that’s his major. No stalking, just coincidence! I’m just not sure if I’m being sneaky? Cause he doesn’t know about the grown up either. I just feel like, until someone has said to me hey are we exclusive, I’m not tied to anyone and if I want to see more than one person I can. Just going to be a bit tight time wise. I don’t know, maybe I’m just rationalizing things to suit me?

I emailed ex mr chop the other day, just a hey hows life, kind of thing. Not because I missed him in the I love you sense, I was just curious cause its been a while. I didn’t get the stomach flip or anything when he replied and I didn’t even get around to replying back for a little while. Just another clue in that I really think I’m over the whole thing.

Might take a nap before this thing tonight. Mmmm plan

This

I miss this. Being this happy. With every sort of crush and every sort of run in I have with a new guy, I think I’m over this. But then I realise that all those run ins do is remind me. Of being this happy and this in love. Dating is awful. I don’t want guys who will whip out their dicks and post them on craigslist. I don’t want any of these guys who are so fucking disrespectful and think not only is it funny but that it also works. I just can’t stand the dating world, I can’t stand the people in it. I love banter but don’t call me a slut and expect me to get down on my hands on knees for you. Sorry, I don’t just sleep around, its not in my nature.

I know you miss me to. I wish you would just talk to me