Glorious Return!

Reactivated it, was dying, can not live without facebook apparently haha. However as soon as I reactivated I also blocked ex mr chop. I still don’t want to snoop, don’t want to check up on him, don’t want to see things that will upset me and cause me to get in touch with him cause it’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to him. He doesn’t need me snooping and trying to get him to talk to me, he needs to be left alone. Which I’ll try and do…..

God, I really don’t know where my head is at, at all. I haven’t really thought about what I want in a partner in a really long time, I’ve just been missing things I use to have and I don’t know if that is what I want or need anymore. The other thing is, I keep saying I miss ex mr chop but I don’t even know who he is anymore, I don’t know if his personality is what I want or need anymore. So maybe this is a really good opportunity to honestly think to myself what I would like, what would compliment me.

*SIDENOTE* Am sitting in a UAA spine and they are walking the 3 year olds through and they are so freaking adorable, it’s really distracting.

Actually these little kiddies are so distracting that I can’t be bothered to whine anymore.

I think a part of me is relieved he is seeing someone. It’s a pretty good sign to go and get on with it

Deactivated

I was thinking about this in all my misery and shiz, about how even being here and even years later ex mr chop has managed to stay a tangible presence in my life and I came to the conclusion that the fault lay with…..Facebook. Yes, that fucking huge all powerful social media tool which allows for snooping and keeping tabs on people in all its picture, new relationship status glory. Over the years any sort of information we have found out on each other has been because of facebook creeping. Adding each other, deleting each other, blocking each other, messaging each other and starting the cycle again; because of facebook. Not just with ex mr chop either, this isn’t a social media tool, this is just a way to creep on people and not be arrested for it! I get that it is my choice to snoop and my choice to look on things I shouldn’t and add people and talk to people. But it is really fucking hard not to when the person you shouldn’t be creeping on and talking to is the one fucking person in the world that you want!!

So I deactivated my account. Cold turkey, can’t snoop, can’t keep tabs, can’t make myself so upset that by 3am I am texting him from another fucking country because it hurts too much to hold it in anymore. I figure that a lot of the time the checking up and snooping is more habit just like when you automatically login to facebook as soon as your fingers hit a keyboard or as soon as you swipe to the app. So I’m going to give it a week or two and I figure after not giving in to the habit maybe I’ll be able to get back on my account. I would just try the whole blocking thing but I can only do it for a few days and then the tempation is too much. I can reactivate my account easily as well but if I can’t get on facebook at all I feel like the temptation will be less.

Christ I can’t believe I texted him. I was just so very sad! I wanted to let him know that I get it, he has moved on, what he said back in September doesn’t count anymore, it doesn’t mean what it did back then and any sort of hope or expection or anything that I was holding on to is….gone. Its that whole gone thing which I think finally hit me before bed. Its done with now. I was thinking, does that mean it is actually done with or am I supposed to still try and go and see and fight. I will never ever forget about the time when he broke up with me that one night for that one night and said how he heard footsteps outside D’s place and thought it was me and hoped it was me. I didn’t run after him really when he left me here, I didn’t run after him when I was home and maybe that was my mistake. I just always thought that because he was the one to leave me that the running or chasing should be up to him. Maybe I was too blind then to realise that if you really believe in something, pride should never ever get in the way. That it doesn’t matter who makes the move as long as someone does!

It’s too bad that these realisations come too late and at a price I don’t ever think I will get over.

I was talking to chick and I was saying how I am totally 50/50 inside. Half of me wants him to be happy and to love and to be in a relationship with someone who can make him feel fulfilled. The other half of me hopes to fucking christ its a fad that will be over in the next couple of weeks. That half of me is totally in denial because I know him! I know that he would never put it up on facebook unless he was dead certain about it and wanted it. He would never make it official unless she really made him happy. So there it is. Its knowing this that made me break down and at 3am send a text with the implicit message of, I get it and I won’t be pestering you or trying to make trouble when I’m home. Not saying that I could anyway but I wouldn’t even try. Because I love him. And I want him to be happy.

I just really wish that, that could have been with me.

Stupid fucker, you really had to meet someone literally weeks before I came home?! GAH!

Oh, What’s In A Name?

Exclusive but without labels. So….isn’t that a label? I’m actually fine to not be all ohhhh lets be boyfriend/girlfriend, it takes a lot of pressure off. Still, mexican man and myself, since last night, decided to be exclusive to each other. Which is nice. I’m actually really happy, I really like him, I really like being around him, I really like being naked with him (literally has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen, especially since it decided to start behaving. After the luck I’ve had with American todgers, I feel like this is a gift sent from on high). I can’t wait to get him in bed while everyone is away and ruin him :D.

So obviously had to let go of duff. I like him but not in the same way as mexican man. We just aren’t on the same wave length at all and to be honest, me and mexican man have a really similar schedule and when we get busy with work and shiz, we both totally understand whereas I feel like I keep letting duff down cause he wants to hang out and do all these things but I just honestly don’t have the time. And he does not have a beautiful willy like mexican man. Who I might just start referring to as faux-bf.

Faux-bf. I really like him. He makes me feel all tiny and cute and sexy at the same time. He makes me smile and hes so fucking considerate and holy shit, I am so fucking horny for him!! I’m actually happy. Like, really honest to God happy. I only have a few concerns and I think that was inevitable, look at my history with guys! I feel safe with faux-bf cause I don’t believe that he would ever hurt me or fuck me over. Except that is exactly what I thought with ex mr chop and look what happened there! Maybe feeling safe isn’t a good thing. I’m worried I could maybe possibly potentially fall for this guy and while I do really like him, I really don’t want to have my happiness depend on a guy ever again, I don’t want to feel jealous, I don’t want to miss him and be sad, I don’t want to start being all psycho girl. Possibly being aware of these things I don’t want might mean that I won’t let it happen?

It feels weird to have actually let go of ex mr chop. I spent sooo much time being sad about him and hanging on to the thought of what we were and now we are actually being able to be friends and not get all snarky and emotional at each other. There will always be a part of me that he will have. He was the most sincere love I’ve ever experienced, even if he didn’t feel the same way, he is not someone I will ever forget. But it doesn’t hurt anymore, it doesn’t feel awful to think about him or have him pop up every so often. I’m excited and glad to have my friend back! It makes me happy that I can give this thing with mexican man a real chance and not be all hung up on ex mr chop. I still think that there is a part of me that is still closed off and it’s going to take a lot to unfreeze that little last bit of hurt, but at least now I think that its do-able.

Yay 🙂

Life Is Hilarious

I swear, nothing ever ever goes as planned!! I’m starting to think that spontaneous people are only spontaneous because they have had enough life experience to know, you can plan and stress and plan but life has its own ideas of what the fuck it wants to do. I stressed about the date with M, I very very very nearly bailed, I didn’t know all the tiny details and it freaked me out that I was walking in to a situation where I couldn’t predict what was going to happen. In the end I had such a great time, he was so sweet, I had fun and met some really lovely people who I could definitely see spending time with. I was stressed and nervous about the date with T and in the end he bailed and opened my eyes to who he is and so I went out with ESM and met a friend! Someone the same age as me, same interests, same goals. Someone who goes to UAA and wants to go get dinner and hang out! I also lost my debit card, first time ever!! Managed to get it blocked within minutes though so no big deal.

Date with M. Oh my god, I really like him. Like, really really like him and its so shocking because I wasn’t expecting it! I really honestly didn’t think much was going to come from it, I thought that this was just a pseudo date to calm me down before my date with T which I thought was going to lead somewhere?! I’m frustrated with myself though, I don’t think I really left him with the impression that I do really like him and I did have a good time. I think I did? But I feel like this is something I really don’t want to screw up. Its really frightening. I’ve spent so much time shutting myself off and then I spend just a few hours with this one person and its like everything has changed, everything has shifted. What happens if I let this person in to my life and it all gets fucked up again? I’ve literally just started getting back on my feet, I’ve literally only just gotten back to myself, I’m finally starting the next chapter, the step to my future. I don’t want to be happy again only to have it all come shattering down again. But at the same time, I’m lonely. I miss being part of a team, I miss having that person who makes me want to be better. I feel like I am ready to fucking man up and stop being a little bitch and fucking try again! I am ready. Which means I’ve finally let go. Before I kept saying how I felt like I was losing him and it made me sad and scared because I wasn’t ready to lose him. Now I know that its not losing him, its being able to truly let him go and not be sad about it but feel free. I feel like inside I have finally shed the last of my sadness and the last of my love for him. I’ve held on to that love for a really really long time and I thought that it was comforting when really holding on to that love was really keeping me down. B was a really important person in my life and will always be someone that has a piece of me. He just doesn’t and can’t have all of me anymore.

I really hope M phones me

Consumed By Thoughts Of You

You told me that we had to be blocked from each other cause otherwise we would just keep messaging each other etc. You held strong for a while so why all of a sudden unblock me? Why make it obvious you have a girlfriend (so much for still thinking about me and not having a girlfriend since me etcbullshitetc) and then the same day, get rid of the evidence again? I’m probably reading waaay too much in to this to be honest. Maybe it means that he’s over it now and over me and having me blocked was pointless cause having me unblocked doesn’t make a difference to him. What ever the case may be, the second I realised he had made us visible to each other again, I blocked him.

I’m actually proud of myself. Usually I will block him for about a day and then unblock him and then the whole thing starts again, I do slight stalkage and then he will send a little message and then we get talking and then we end up in a bad place again. I guess either I’m growing up or I’m for a change putting my money where my mouth is and trying to move on. Its kind of sad that I can’t have him in my life at all, not even a small tiny part because it is way too painful and just makes me still hold on to the hope that maybe, somehow, some day, we will make it back to each other. It is this hope that keeps my feelings for him going and this hope that kills a part of me so I guess that this is what I’m now actively trying to get rid of.  I seriously do not want to let this go though and this is where the problems all stem from. Its harder to let go of something that you just want to cling tightly to. But loving a man who doesn’t love me back is not the life I want for myself. I don’t want to be like my mum and dad, I want to move on and be happy and to look back one day and think yeah, we had good and bad times and that’s all there is to it.

It is honestly taking every piece of will power I have to not unblock him. My insides are hurting, my heart is aching, my head is heavy but I am still holding strong.

I just want to talk to you

Rawwwwwr!

Just had little sis roaring at me. Its funny to live with a midget aha.

I thought I would take some time out to focus on the good things going on right now instead of the slightly confusing negative things. Also to rant about work.

Went to the HAP bbq tonight and actually had a good time and met some really cool people, was bullied by luggage crew guys to join the softball team (as a cheerleader as me and sports is not a good combination) and think there is room for the trip to Denali this weekend which is basically all us 21+ people getting a free train ride up to denali, a free night at the hotel, free food and a massive booze up. Am pretty excited!! I totally HATE meeting new people but I’ve had to do sooo much of it in the past year that I’m actually good at it now. I know how to make conversation out of thin air and am generally thought of as quite funny. Bit of a gossip but I’m a girl so I can get away with it. Cute new truck driver guy is going this weekend as well so many many outfits need to be planned. Batman-chick is going and Mrs spears are going so I know that I will have at least two people to hang out with plus all the luggage guys who love me. Its going to be jokes I think. Got training tomorrow and Thursday and then I think I’ll be starting some time next week cause I told Boss lady that now moo isn’t coming for the summer, I can do some evenings during the week as well as AM shift on the weekend.

Soldier boy will be home for leave soon so I know I’ll at least be getting a shag out of that. Oh my god seriously though, its been nearly a year since I’ve been laid and I am literally climbing the walls. No boys, no bullet. I’ve been going out of my mind! Its not even that I haven’t had the opportunity, I’m just not good at the random see ya shag. TV guy was an exception cause we were actually kind of dating and I felt like shit afterwards so it doesn’t really count. The ex ex was a massive mistake of massive proportions (blerghhhhhh makes me feel so sick thinking about that). So yeah, been time since I’ve had a good guilt free shag. And the porn just isn’t cutting it anymore.

Chick will be home soon yaaaaaaay, a whole 4 months of chick-ness! Which of course means parties, drinking, smoking and getting in trouble at work aha. Need to sort out her internship thing!

So yeah. Trying to be friends with ex mr chop was confusing on loads of levels cause I’ve never really dealt with my feelings about him. Sometimes I think I still love him, sometimes I think that I’m totally fine with it and we are just friends. I think though that I really need to take the time to stop being so in love with the past and looking at it through my massive rose tinted glasses, see it for what it was, except it and get over it. Cause I would like to be actual friends one day, we were really good mates before any shit went down, no guy has ever just gotten my banter before and not been afraid to dish it right back (without going to far). And yeah, the sex was the best I’ve ever had. So far though. I keep forgetting that I have soooooo much more to come. And cum hopefully baha.

Optimistic mood tonight. And tired, must sleep.

Oh! Work rants! FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING DEGENERATIVE OLD MAN, I KNOW HOW TO DO MY FUCKING JOB, STOP MAKING IT SO FUCKING COMPLICATED! AND YOU MISS SUPERVISOR CAN TAKE YOUR FINGER OUT YOUR ASS AND STOP TREATING ME LIKE SHIT JUST CAUSE BOSS MAN COMES DOWN ON YOU ONCE IN A WHILE!

Rant over. Peace

Lets Not Have A Repeat, Yeah?

ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod WHAT AM I DOING??? I’m letting myself have feelings for someone else?? Really?? An American of all people?? A fucking soldier of all people!

Last time I attempted something with someone new was tv guy and that turned in to the most epic of all epic fails. I literally could not bare to be around him in the end and the one time I somehow found myself having sex with him, I totally freaked!! I literally ran away and had to be calmed down by moo. If that happens here with him, what the fuck am I going to do?? There’s no moo, there’s no person to run to, there’s no one to stop me crying. If it turns out like last time I swear I’m going to give up all together. And what if I’m just a conquest? Someone finally lays the British girl? I mean, I think if its just about that then hes going through a lot of effort, we have been talking every single day and making plans for the summer and hes trying to sort his leave around when best to see me. So it can’t just be about the sex thing, right?

And then there’s the other awful thing. What if I do really like him. What if we do really get on and have real feelings for each other. I haven’t had real feelings for anyone since ex mr chop, I haven’t wanted to. It will mean really letting go and not having in him my heart anymore. Its so sad. So very sad babe that sometimes I don’t know how to handle it still.

I’m excited and scared shitless. I don’t know what to do

Confucious

My head is really confused. In mexico I realised that the me and ex ex thing was soooooo fucking stupid and even thinking about him now disgusts me. I also realised that it would be nice to like someone again, to have those tummy flips and that I miss feeling that. And now I’m wondering maybe I stopped missing ex mr chop a long time ago and that I just miss the memory of being in love and of who we were. Having him back on my facebook hasn’t been the awful heartbreaking thing I thought it would be. Yeah some things have made me sad like facebook saving the past things we said to each other before. I clicked on ‘friend history’ and the whole lead up to us being together and a bit after is all there. It made me miss my friend too. And then today, for the first time since the day after he walked out, he started to talk to me over facebook chat. I’ve been dreading that a bit, every time I see him come up on my friends list its made me heart jump a bit. But it wasn’t actually bad, I didn’t feel sad or out of control. I felt more curious as to what was going to be said and it was just a typical boring conversation. He called me dudette which is what he use to call me before we got together and I wanted to reply with cuntchops because thats what I would have said back in the day but I didn’t cause….were not those people anymore, we don’t have that relationship anymore. I think I’m finally, really, getting to the point where I am realising I really do need to move on. I haven’t wanted to because letting myself have feelings for someone else means really saying goodbye to him and its been hard cause I’ve been comparing every guy I meet to him and coming up with stupid reasons to not be with them. Moo is moving on, treacle is moving on, ex mr chop moved on, the ex ex moved on. I need to move on as well.

It’s time. Isn’t it?

Ok Yes, Maybe I’m A Dick

So I added him. I accepted the little friend request thing and moo is livid and I know I’ve probably hurt her feelings cause I didn’t listen to her which is shit of me. But I did try not to. And It’s not as if I can’t get rid of him again. And I’m not going to bitch about anything I see to her. And this one will be on me at the end of the day.

And I’m a stupid masochistic ass. Good morning!