Today was the last day of term, the first time I’ve been in uni all week and who the fuck do I finally spot? Thats right, ex mr chop. How fucking typical is that? I’ve managed to go 7/8 months without a single sighting and then on the last freaking day of term before the big easter break and I see him. It’s because I’d gotten comfortable and use to the fact that I’ve never seen him around. The crazy thing is, it was only for the briefest moment, literally seconds, and even those seconds stopped my heart and made my world come crashing down. A few seconds and its all I’ve thought about all day; did he see me, did he feel anything, did he not feel anything, did it make him miss me, did it make him want to get in touch, did he think I looked good. Questions questions questions. To be honest, I don’t think he did see me and if he did he probably was relieved he was in his car and then didn’t think anymore of it. Which is exactly what I should be thinking and feeling but….he just looked so familiar. In his car. It was as if I should have been able to wave and smile and have him smile back. Instead of me freezing up, stopping the girls, hiding my face and then crossing the road very very quickly.
How sad thats how it is now.
Had a nice day today, shame its ending with me feeling a bit low
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! In the next week I need to do a complete dissertation proposal, do my placement logbook, get my options in and do my 1250 word feature assignment AND THEN put it in to an indesign double page magazine spread which I am totally screwed for cause I have NO IDEA how to use indesign!!! Fuuuuuuuuuck! Aha this so teaches me to not get other people to do my work for me cause if I ever have to re-create that work, I am totally shafted!! Well wish now that me and ex mr chop were friendly cause am in need of IMP like skills! I wonder if moo’s lover has some spare time……
Bad moochop times indeed!
Had a letter a few days back, well I say letter more like a last warning about my attendance saying that I would no longer be apart of the university from the 15th unless otherwise stated. So had to suck it up and get in touch with Helen and managed to keep my place on the premise I actually show my face a bit more. The fact I’ve passed my work and exam probably helped me keep my very slight grasp on my uni life to be honest. So am going to have to go to a few seminars (bollocks).
As of monday I suppose I’ll be in control of life a bit more, am going to the therapy people, seminar and will be doing some work. Will probably stay a few days and hit up b-town with my CV (need dough before I sell my body or mac…and trust I would totally sell my body before my mac!).
So excited for joey to be going away, am going to miss her though and our 7/8/9 hour long chats aha. Saw her last night and gave her some things to take with her which I hope do actually come in useful for her. I’m fucking amazed that she’s going, its just so random! She’s going to have an awesome time though. Baaaaaare jealous!
Saw the ex ex for the first time since the episode yesterday and at first it seemed really awkward and then it got better and then it got hard again. He on the other hand was apparently relieved as he no longer has any sort of feeling towards me anymore (got a text telling me). I sometimes feel like all I want to do is say to him fuck it, come over, fuck me, keep your life the way it is cause it works for you, I’ll keep my life the way it is cause it works for me. But then that wouldn’t be enough for me and thats not what I want. I’m not a whore, I’m not a one night stand kind of girl. I love cuddles and spooning and butterfly kisses. I want someone who wants to be with me, not someone who wants a quick fuck.
I really should just get out there and find a guy without all the history or problems attached; maybe I should have gotten that waiter’s number! I just don’t want to, I really don’t want to end up with another TV guy cause that was just tragic. I suppose once I’m back in bournemouth it will be easier cause I’ll be all settled in my own place again and back in a routine. In the mean time I’m just going to daydream about what a few great hours with someone who actually cares about me in bed would entail……
Finished assignment, handed in with a few spare minutes before deadline, am exhausted and just got home. Was really nice to see moo though and spend some time with her, have our little sleepover and got to hang out for a bit with the psych girls today. M has definitely got beach break ticket (Ellie Goulding is playing wooooooo am actually excited about that cause love her starry eyed song and her album is pretty good. Very summery and girly which will be nice for beach break) so we have a little crew of me, moo, M and K and will meet up with joey and S.G when we get there. Sooooooo looking forward to it! Ahhhh! My poor broken toe was soo painful all night and today and it looks weird, even mum said it just doesn’t look…right. It really fucking hurts but I am not sitting in A and E for hours only to be told they can’t do anything so go home. Bad times.
Now am going to bed
Have come to uni to get this work done and surround myself with fit uni boys in an attempt to remind myself there are other guys out there but this is failing miserably as so far all thats happened is a run in with the ex housemate who hates me, bob, TV guy (ffs), I know ex mr chopper is in uni so have been avoiding public areas as a result. Mind is totally not focused on this stupid assignment, far to many distractions and the fact I’ve already done this work before is just totally not motivating me! Worst comes to worst I’ll just hand my old work in and make sure I pass my exam with flying colours. Again, knowing I can do this is not helping aha. I am going to try and do it though, just means I won’t be sleeping tonight. Not that I sleep much anyway, cause I knew I was going to be busy today I took some herbal sleeping tablets last night and ended up not only sleeping through my alarm (well done), I realised that I had taken a little adventure sleep walking at some point seeing as I woke up with my phone in one hand, my ipod in the other, shoes on my feet and laying on the foot of the bed. God knows where I was attempting to go! All with a broken toe ahahaha.
Been a bit of a busy day people wise
Bad times, found out I have a massive assignment due in friday so have been trying to cram as much back ground info in to my head as possible so I can get to the library earrrrly tomorrow, get some books together and then am crashing at moo’s so I can just walk it in the next morning. Sometimes my level of disorganisation astonishes even myself, jks. I suppose it means I can print out some CVs and take them around bournemouth friday. Blergh
It seems every time I’m ready to give up on uni and the whole idea of ever graduating, I find out that I’m not actually failing and capable of actually doing well. Moo made me pick up all my work yesterday (have been avoiding the assignment room like the plague cause I didn’t want to face the poor marks that would basically be saying ‘HA you will never graduate’) and not only have I passed Media Theory as a whole and my mother fucking research methods WOOOOOOOOP, I also got a 62 (my short story) from the lecturer that hates me and good marks on the rest of my work. I even got a really good mark on my TV script and the comment that it could definitely make it as a show on channel 4. So a few weeks ago I was ready to give up and found out I passed my exam. Then I thought nope, definitely just going to quit and I pick up my work and passed what I needed to and got some really good feedback which makes me think that someone somewhere wants me to actually have some freaking faith in myself and carry on and bloody well graduate. Got to see moo which was really really nice cause weve both been so busy doing our own shit recently, it was nice to catch up and chill out. Also got to talk to her and soon-to-be new housemate M about the whole house situation and have decided that I will keep my eye on the market and once they have finished exams and things (they are about to enter extremely stressful period at uni) we will find a place which suits me cause I am officially skint right now! It also gives me time to find a job in Bournemouth and sort out placement. Not worried about leaving it a bit later cause we only need a four bed place and those are about all the time.
Yesterday I was actually proud of myself for a change 😀
Fuck me, I actually passed. Better collect the rest of my work now and see what’s going on! I actually can’t believe I passed, I did no revision cause I thought I was going to America and literally 4 days before the exam thought fuck it and went in. And I even got better marks than a lot of people!! Wonders will never freaking cease. Who knows, maybe I’ll make it in to third year after all!
Its so sad, I am actually well proud of myself. Jokes
The days are starting to get lighter which sucks cause it makes it harder to hide out in bed but is also great cause it means spring and summer and the days are actually starting to smell lighter. It means being able to do more outside, theme parks opening again (woooooooooooooop soooo want to go to thorpe park, haven’t been since went with the ex ex, kimmi and ex ex’s best friend). It means festivals and summer outfits and bungee jumps and BBQ’s. It means certain people leaving bournemouth so I can have my goddamn town back!! Mmmm looking forward to it becoming lighter.
I need a full time job. I’m not really at uni, I don’t really want to be at uni. So I need to find a full time job that I’m going to enjoy, that I will meet lots of interesting people at and that will get me out of bed every morning.
Erghhhhh I’ve been running so high today, been spilling a lot of ketones, been weeing like a trooper and feel sooooo sick. Been drinking loads of fluids, upped my insulin and it’s like NOTHING is working! Hate days like this and I know it means I’m just going to be really tired tomorrow.
Exam in a few hours, prepare for epic fail.
Moo had probably one of the best evenings of a while last night and I am glad to say that I helped and meddled. I want her happy and I’ve known for a while that this is what she needed. I am also extremely sad. Everything that happened is everything I wanted for myself. I wanted that happy ending myself, still do, might still do for a while to come. I just don’t understand why he gave up, I don’t understand what is so hard about being in a relationship. I don’t want another crazy intense living together relationship, thats not what I wanted in the first place, thats just how it was because of being housemates. But a living apart, being excited to make time to spend together, thats the kind of relationship I’d want.
Moo says its ok to still be feeling shit about this cause I was so in love with him. I think its fucking horrible to still be feeling like this cause it just makes life a bit crap really