Are You The Final Push?

I think I’m scared as shit, what if I’m not making the right decision, the right choice? What if this isn’t the best option? And on top of everything it would mean definitely losing you forever. I think I need to put an ocean between us to really give myself the chance to get over you cause being in the same place as you would be too hard. I know myself, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate, I’d plan chance encounters and would just spend my time hoping to see you.

I don’t want that to be my life. I think if I want a real future for myself I need to do this. I know I will love you for a very long time and will miss you always. When you left, you took a piece of me with you and its like I can feel this small hole inside of me now.

I’m scared you’re the one. I’m scared no one else will ever mean to me what you did, that I will never spark with someone like that again. But I need to try, or at the very least try and find something that resembles what I feel for you.

No More…

Bournemouth, beach,

tower park, car racing, TGI, flame, Chiquitos, movies, Splashdown,

cuddles, kisses, love, sex, laughter,

dates,

moisturising,

Toby carvery, Harvester, Funki sushi,

massages,

cooking for each other/together,

birthdays, thanksgiving, chanukah, christmas, valentines on the beach, one year anniversary,

portrait,

showers/baths together,

fluffy cuffs,

running around the house naked,

foot rubs,

stealing coffee,

wake up calls ‘rise and shine’,

hotels, bungee jump, paris, rome

playing pranks, lifting you up, kegging,

stealing your clothes

waking up next to the guy I love more than anything

amazing new house, new housemates, moving in with maz, regge regge chicken, bbqs

 

just some of the many many things I already miss so much. My life as it was

Chance To Change

I don’t think I’m going to come back. This way I can start again, start fresh, be someone else. My head is all over the place but maybe starting again where no one knows me is exactly what I need.

I can’t handle being back, being at uni with you, knowing you are just down the road and not able to talk to you, be with you, see you. I can’t handle knowing we are meant to be together and not being together.

I wonder if you knew, would you tell me to come home? Would I?

Just Tell Me

All I need to know is that you care about what happened, that you miss me, that you’re hurting in some small way at least. I don’t need for you to need me back, I just need to know that I’m not totally alone in all of this, in this hurt, that we weren’t a lie, that we were special like you said. I just need to know that I wasn’t alone in loving you. If you had loved me surely you would be feeling like I am, not in the exact same way obviously cause you ended it and I wouldn’t have done, but still at least feeling a little miserable.

I hate you that you don’t. I hate you for being at home and going home and feeling fine about everything, having moved on from us already. I keep imagining you with someone else and it hurts so much, its such a real and physical pain. I just hope I’m worth a little sabbatical from other girls, I hope you miss me enough that you’re just not interested yet. or ever (unlikely but would be nice).

It kind of makes me laugh, you say you just want to hang out with mates blah blah but your close mates all have serious girlfriends. Makes me think that was just a shite excuse and you just don’t want to be with me.

Just tell me the truth

Pieces

Oh my god I am still such a mess, I am such a fucking mess. My heart physically aches for you, I just want to talk to you, hear your voice, something, anything!! I thought I was doing better, I was doing so well and then my phone went off and I couldn’t find it so I basically destroyed my room trying to find it in case it was you.

It wasn’t. Of course.

I don’t know why I convinced myself it was him.

I just need you! To feel you again, just to know that you’re still there! I miss you I miss you I miss you. I wish you could hear me, I feel like I’m screaming inside, begging you to hear me! PLEASE hear me, this is just so wrong.

Not Understanding

Its really weird how some people are so angry at you and what you’ve done and I’m not. I’m hurt, devastated and in bits but I’m not truly angry. They say even if you did reconsider that there is no way in hell I should even contemplate giving you another chance. Why are they this angry and I’m not? Not angry to the point I would turn you away.

I think it’s because I still believe in us. Because I wouldn’t have said I love you and you’re my soulmate as well if I didn’t truly believe in it. So, how could you say those things and then just change your mind?

Jokes

I miss sharing the funny stuff with you.

Today dad said he wanted to take us to chuck e cheese! How much would you have loved that? I wish you were here, it would be hilarious, how much fun would we have had! And you could have said that you’ve actually been aha.

Ergh, this is shite

The Truth

So, I’ve sort of seen that you’ve been going out quite a bit. Didn’t take you long. I am so mad that you get to go out, have a laugh and get over all of this while I’m still on hold waiting to come home finally.

I cried. When I saw you’ve been out having a laugh I cried because in my heart of hearts I want you to be as miserable as I am and in my heart of hearts I know that the truth is you’re not. I keep making myself mad at me, trying to explain your behaviour in a way that makes it seem like you miss me, ‘oh he’s going out but his picture looks really forced, he must actually be miserable inside really’, that kind of thing. But I know its not true! I keep telling myself its not fucking true, HE IS FINE! HE IS NOT UPSET! HE DOES NOT MISS ME! And even though I am screaming these things at myself its like its not sinking in, I would still rather to believe the lie! Even though it is the lie in the long run that is going to hurt me the most cause it gets my hopes up, I start daydreaming and I just fucking wish I wouldn’t!!! I WANT to get over you, I WANT to stop loving you cause YOU DON’T LOVE ME AND I GET THAT! I just wish my heart would.

What is the point in holding on when you don’t feel the same?? Why can my heart just not let go? This must be why everyone says time is the healer cause its the letting go that takes the most time, letting go of love, of hope, of pointless wishes. Like the airport, I know you’re not going to be there, I know things won’t be different when I get back, but until I don’t see your face as I come through the gate , until there are no messages waiting for me, until I have been back for a little while and you still don’t want anything to do with me, I won’t believe it. I will still think that maybe, just maybe these things will still happen, you will be there, you will have changed your mind and that you will still love me.

All because of my stupid heart.

Wishes

Here is my biggest wish. I wish you missed me more than you could stand.

I wish you realised that you made the biggest mistake of your life and wanted to fix it. Some grand personal gesture to fix it. I wish on the day I fly back you would be waiting there for me, I would come through the gate and see you standing there. I wish I could run in to your arms and everything would be ok again.

Thats my biggest wish.

Forever Broken

Its been about 2 and a half weeks since he left me. Today is the first day I’ve found the energy to really get anything done. 2 and half weeks of crying, aching and feeling like I can’t breathe. I keep wrapping my arms around myself as if I’ll break and fall apart.

I miss you. I miss what we had. I hate looking on gumtree for a house when all I want is to move in to our place with you. How can you live in that place without me? That room without me? How can you stand being in that dining room? How can you stand taking some other girl back to our room? I couldn’t live in that house without you. I found it, we checked it out, we took the guys to see it, we picked out our room. We had so many plans for that place, you knew how excited I was about the dining room; sunday dinners, thanksgiving, chankukah, christmas. Moo was moving in, you were going to teach me drums.

Most importantly, no aggyness or bills bullshit. Just a house full of our friends and laughter and people to make a home with.

I hope that house is stained for you now. I may never have lived there, we may never have lived there together but the memory of me will always be there and it will never be what it was meant to be.

You are an idiot. Yeah, things have been stressful but we knew that was going to happen! We knew that there was going to be a short period and then we were going to start this amazing new chapter in our fresh start house. I wish you could have been stronger. I wish you could have been ready for us. We could have been it for each other, could have made amazing memories together and been there for each other. I suppose not though, you are too selfish to give yourself like that to another person.

I wish it could have been you. I fell so completely in love with you and you fooled me in to thinking you had fallen for me as well. I hope you did make the right choice cause now we are forever broken. And it is such a shame!! Such a shame we will never have each other again, such a shame that this amazing love has no place anymore and such a shame that you lost someone who would have moved worlds for you and your happiness.

I miss you. I love you.

I love you and I don’t know what to do with that love anymore. I love you and you don’t love me. It’s just so sad babe