I am the most up and down person these past few days, it’s such a joke. One minute I am totally fine, can imagine running in to ex mexican man, don’t miss him, don’t think about him and then something completely arbitrary can totally set me off. I know that I haven’t lost much, I know he was kind of a shitty boyfriend, I know that I am better off cause now I’m…alone? I wanted to say not feeling sad but I am, I wanted to say not wishing for a text but I am, I wanted to say not feeling lonely but I am. It’s just different types of sad and hopelessness and lonliness. Now I know for certain that there isn’t a single chance that he will take these feelings away and it’s that hope in a relationship (or in mine as the case may be) that is the killer. Disappointment is the ultimate killer. Like I said, for me anyway. I am not anywhere near as heartbroken as I’ve been before (thanks ex mr chop) and I think this is why I’m really confused on to how I do actually feel. Because I’m not a zombie I think that I must not have really been in to ex mexican man. But then I get these big moments of sadness and I know that’s not right, I was really in to him, I really cared about him and I really wanted to believe that he cared about me as well. Which turned out to be false but hey, a girl can dream right? I guess he was never going to care about me in the way I wanted though, not after the summer, not after realising how heavy school was going to be, not after realising that I wanted a boyfriend and not a part time hook up. I feel like he viewed me as a friend who he sometimes slept with and that made it hard for him to see me as a girlfriend who had the right to his time. I miss him. I don’t know right now if that is because we were friends and I miss my friend or if I miss him because he was my boyfriend and now he isn’t. Or a mixture of both. All I kept thinking about today was what would I do if I saw him? Would I avoid eye contact and walk away as fast as possible, would I totally run in the opposite direction, would I smile and walk past, would I smile and stop to talk? At first I thought about how totally fine I was and therefore would smile and stop and talk. I would say ‘It’s ok you know, I’m ok and I want us to be ok. And you know where I am if you fancy a shag haha’. I would say ‘Lets be friends, I always thought maybe we would do better as friends’. I’d ask how his family was to show how I did still care. But then as I was walking through the spine today, at the time I know he would have been there, my heart started racing, I panicked and raced down that hallway to salvation. Possibly not ready to be friends then. I’m pretty sure he’s avoiding me actually cause there are moments today I generally would have seen him and he wasn’t around. But then that would be thinking about me and caring about seeing me, neither of which I think he’s doing. So I think I’m just reading in to the situation as is my standard behaviour. I don’t want to get back together I don’t think. I don’t think I was happy with him either. But just in the way that I half hoped to see and half prayed would never have a run in with ex mr chop, so goes it with ex mexican man.
I just hate that once again I was promised that someone was there for me and left! That I had this person to rely on when I didn’t! I hate that he promised to not do this to me and did! I hate that I am never ever fucking good enough. I hate that I am always the one left to cry and pick up the shards. I hate that I’m the one with the trust issues which people can’t understand why when it is pretty freaking obvious.
I mostly hate knowing that I miss him and he does not miss me
Life as I know it 