Bipolar

I am the most up and down person these past few days, it’s such a joke. One minute I am totally fine, can imagine running in to ex mexican man, don’t miss him, don’t think about him and then something completely arbitrary can totally set me off. I know that I haven’t lost much, I know he was kind of a shitty boyfriend, I know that I am better off cause now I’m…alone? I wanted to say not feeling sad but I am, I wanted to say not wishing for a text but I am, I wanted to say not feeling lonely but I am. It’s just different types of sad and hopelessness and lonliness. Now I know for certain that there isn’t a single chance that he will take these feelings away and it’s that hope in a relationship (or in mine as the case may be) that is the killer. Disappointment is the ultimate killer. Like I said, for me anyway. I am not anywhere near as heartbroken as I’ve been before (thanks ex mr chop) and I think this is why I’m really confused on to how I do actually feel. Because I’m not a zombie I think that I must not have really been in to ex mexican man. But then I get these big moments of sadness and I know that’s not right, I was really in to him, I really cared about him and I really wanted to believe that he cared about me as well. Which turned out to be false but hey, a girl can dream right? I guess he was never going to care about me in the way I wanted though, not after the summer, not after realising how heavy school was going to be, not after realising that I wanted a boyfriend and not a part time hook up. I feel like he viewed me as a friend who he sometimes slept with and that made it hard for him to see me as a girlfriend who had the right to his time. I miss him. I don’t know right now if that is because we were friends and I miss my friend or if I miss him because he was my boyfriend and now he isn’t. Or a mixture of both. All I kept thinking about today was what would I do if I saw him? Would I avoid eye contact and walk away as fast as possible, would I totally run in the opposite direction, would I smile and walk past, would I smile and stop to talk? At first I thought about how totally fine I was and therefore would smile and stop and talk. I would say ‘It’s ok you know, I’m ok and I want us to be ok. And you know where I am if you fancy a shag haha’. I would say ‘Lets be friends, I always thought maybe we would do better as friends’. I’d ask how his family was to show how I did still care. But then as I was walking through the spine today, at the time I know he would have been there, my heart started racing, I panicked and raced down that hallway to salvation. Possibly not ready to be friends then. I’m pretty sure he’s avoiding me actually cause there are moments today I generally would have seen him and he wasn’t around. But then that would be thinking about me and caring about seeing me, neither of which I think he’s doing. So I think I’m just reading in to the situation as is my standard behaviour. I don’t want to get back together I don’t think. I don’t think I was happy with him either. But just in the way that I half hoped to see and half prayed would never have a run in with ex mr chop, so goes it with ex mexican man.

I just hate that once again I was promised that someone was there for me and left! That I had this person to rely on when I didn’t! I hate that he promised to not do this to me and did! I hate that I am never ever fucking good enough. I hate that I am always the one left to cry and pick up the shards. I hate that I’m the one with the trust issues which people can’t understand why when it is pretty freaking obvious.

I mostly hate knowing that I miss him and he does not miss me

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU.

I chose you! Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand? I chose you to be the one, I chose you to be him. It’s not a choice I made for the fun of it you fucking asshole and its not a choice I can fucking take back. I went to yoga yesterday and I really enjoy it but at the same time I fucking hate it cause its all this meditation bullshit which makes you all comfortable and insightful in to yourself and the instructor kept banging on about how you are your choices, your choices are what make you and all I can do is fucking lay there in the dead baby pose or whatever its called and think, well that is fan-fucking-tastic because I CHOSE YOU AND YOU AREN’T HERE. WHERE THE FUCK ARE ¬†YOU? YOU KNOW YOU’RE MEANT TO BE HERE RIGHT?

WHERE ARE YOU??? HOW ARE WE MEANT TO GROW WHEN WE AREN’T TOGETHER? HOW AM I MEANT TO MOVE THE FUCK ON WHEN I KNOW ITS WRONG? I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY AT YOU!! YOU ARE FUCKING UP AND I’M HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES ALONE! SO WHERE ARE YOU?

Where the hell are you babe? I just don’t understand. I am so lost

Fuck You

Fucking liar, liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar, years ahead, what a fucking fucking cruel fucking joke. Take it off, take off now, take it off a year ago. Don’t still be having those lies up for everyone to see still, don’t keep reading them yourself still. Fucking hell, take it down, delete it, do whatever just don’t be such a fucking hypocrite keeping that goddamn shit. Why, why even still have it up there, what is the fucking point you asshole.

Take it down, take it down, take it down, take it down