And I want it to go well, I really really do, I really want to go in and wow and get the job. But I talked to mum. And I miss home. I miss being me
I might seriously suggest jo take buffy the cat. One less for mum and it could be my parting gift aha.
I decided to tell ex mr chopper cause if even at this late stage we could salvage some kind of friendship, which I would love because I’ve missed that friend who I could banter so easily with, who would wake me up at 3am to take a walk with his spangled ass, who would team up to play pranks, who I could tell anything to, then that would be amazing. And yes I suppose I would be using some form of emotional blackmail to kick start the friendship again, so be it! Plus its not really blackmail when its true.
I’m not going to say anything to the ex ex though cause to be honest, give a shit. I don’t care if it would hurt his feelings not to know. I don’t care what he thinks. I just don’t care and thats finally become clear to me. I think I’m finally over feeling guilty, not about ending it but about the way I ended it and then fell in love like 3 seconds later. I DON’T CARE! HA! God, that took me long enough ay?
As expected, mum is not taking it well. I just hope she can understand its not about her, its about me, and its not a decision I’m taking lightly and that I’ll be losing out with this decision as well.
Obviously there are specific people to tell. But do I tell him? Do I even bother mentioning it? What difference would it make? What would it achieve? I would hate to leave things like they are but really, will it make me feel better? What would I want out of saying anything? In my mind I would want to tell him and he would say well how bout we meet up before you go and we could and we could talk and leave things on a good note. But I know what would happen, I’d say something and he’d go ok, cya and I’d be really hurt. By him. Again. I think in his case I’m just going to disappear in to the night and if he ever finds out, he finds out.
And then what about the ex, ex? Do I say anything to him? That really would achieve nothing, he really wouldn’t care. And to be honest, what if he did? I don’t want anything from him, I would never change my mind for him and if it brought up feelings on his part, that would totally mess with his head and I don’t want to do anything that would mess with his relationship. Again, another leaving in the night situation I think.
So who do I want to tell? The girls of course. Old halls-mates. Ria, Rach, Jo. Aside from that I think a facebook status or something will do.
Its sad, I think I do want to tell ex 1 and 2, they were both so important to me and it feels sad to not say anything, not say goodbye. I just know that neither one of them would feel the same. I think I would rather regret the things I did do than the things I didn’t though. Maybe its selfish of me but fuck it. Its how I feel and what I want to do.
Ergh, I dunno!!!
Woooooop wooooooooop got a job back at A.summers! Interviewed monday, first shift wednesday, first real shift saturday!
Life. I don’t know what to do. The only things I’d be staying for would be friends, hanging out, being in uni with them, going out with them, laughing, mooching on their sofa, plans for next year, their love and support. Knowing If I need them or they need me, I can just jump on a train, a bus, a coach and be with them. How can I survive another country without them?
And mum will be upset. I’m not sure how much but I know it wouldn’t be good.
It just makes so much sense. I am drifting, I am achieving nothing and literally hating myself for it. I need to get my health under control. I’m a burden. I don’t know who I am. I use to be chaity, fun and someone who would sparkle. Then I was Aaron’s girlfriend. Then I was Jay’s girlfriend and that really defined me for years, I became lost within myself. Then I was b-ri’s girlfriend and became lost in the bubble. Being with Brian made me regain a little of my sparkle but not enough. I was still so lost in really important areas of my life; uni, the direction I wanted to go. It’s like I was only truly happy in one area of my life and since he’s left I’ve had to face up to the fact that I am an aimless soul. My friends are so very important to me but I can’t depend on them to be my only source of happiness, I don’t want to drag them down with me.
Pro England: My girls; my little family, Bournemouth, moving to London, Home, Familiarity, Brian (I can’t leave it like it is), My foundations; knowing my way around, Future plans; beach break, Being in a scene I understand and where people understand me.
Con England: Health, Money, Failing Uni, Drifting, Unhappy with how things are turning out, Home, Being a burden at home, Lonely
Pro America: Fresh start, Time out to fix health, Time out to earn some money, Fresh uni start, Dad pushing me out my comfort zone, Maddie, Dad, Large extended support system, Can be anyone I choose to be, Can make a life for myself. Constantly talking about wanting to live in New York one day, this could be the way in.
Con American: No girls, No mum, No Friends, Scared, Going to butt heads with dad, Don’t want to put pressure on them over there, Feel like I’m giving up and running away from problems here. Pride?
I feel like I’m at a crossroads. The path of England would lead to: Failure, not moving out for a long time, no degree, no job, no future, no exciting future, nothing achieved, nothing really going for me, pressure on mum. Then the path of America: I would be pushed to make something of myself, part time job, uni, family connections, law school in New York or even become an English teacher and settle somewhere in America. Seeing Maddie grow up. Good diabetes control.
I so do not want to have this conversation with mum. I just don’t know how to explain any of this without making it seem like I’m blaming her or anything because I don’t at all, she’s a great mum who has supported me in so many ways, I just need something different now.
I don’t know if I would be able to make it work. What if I’m just the same old pathetic self over there? I’d be relying a lot on dad to push me. Just until I was able to push myself again. And would I even want to do law? I’m a writer! But who’s to say I can’t do that on the side? And one day, after I’ve made a bunch of money doing law, use that to support me writing? I just don’t see myself becoming anything other than a nobody relying on the dole. I don’t want that, I want a career, security, a family.
What if dad doesn’t want me. What if it’s too much of a burden? What if I missed my chance?
I decided in September to not stay in America because I felt like I was running away from my problems, I felt that my health stuff would be sorted, that I wouldn’t be as depressed, I knew I’d miss my girls and my mum too much, miss my home too much. I felt like I would be staying because of how heartbroken I was.
But things haven’t changed, my health isn’t getting better and I’ve tried fixing my mistakes and tried to change things but its not working. I am severely depressed, I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been, my health is dire and I just generally don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
I regret dropping law. I know I could do so well. I just need time to get over this health stuff, get help with this depression, I need an environment where I am pushed until I can push myself again. I use to be so good at that.
All the same arguments for staying and going are still there. Ultimately though, I just don’t see things changing or improving here. More importantly, I don’t see myself being the person I want to be over here either.