Life Is Hilarious

I swear, nothing ever ever goes as planned!! I’m starting to think that spontaneous people are only spontaneous because they have had enough life experience to know, you can plan and stress and plan but life has its own ideas of what the fuck it wants to do. I stressed about the date with M, I very very very nearly bailed, I didn’t know all the tiny details and it freaked me out that I was walking in to a situation where I couldn’t predict what was going to happen. In the end I had such a great time, he was so sweet, I had fun and met some really lovely people who I could definitely see spending time with. I was stressed and nervous about the date with T and in the end he bailed and opened my eyes to who he is and so I went out with ESM and met a friend! Someone the same age as me, same interests, same goals. Someone who goes to UAA and wants to go get dinner and hang out! I also lost my debit card, first time ever!! Managed to get it blocked within minutes though so no big deal.

Date with M. Oh my god, I really like him. Like, really really like him and its so shocking because I wasn’t expecting it! I really honestly didn’t think much was going to come from it, I thought that this was just a pseudo date to calm me down before my date with T which I thought was going to lead somewhere?! I’m frustrated with myself though, I don’t think I really left him with the impression that I do really like him and I did have a good time. I think I did? But I feel like this is something I really don’t want to screw up. Its really frightening. I’ve spent so much time shutting myself off and then I spend just a few hours with this one person and its like everything has changed, everything has shifted. What happens if I let this person in to my life and it all gets fucked up again? I’ve literally just started getting back on my feet, I’ve literally only just gotten back to myself, I’m finally starting the next chapter, the step to my future. I don’t want to be happy again only to have it all come shattering down again. But at the same time, I’m lonely. I miss being part of a team, I miss having that person who makes me want to be better. I feel like I am ready to fucking man up and stop being a little bitch and fucking try again! I am ready. Which means I’ve finally let go. Before I kept saying how I felt like I was losing him and it made me sad and scared because I wasn’t ready to lose him. Now I know that its not losing him, its being able to truly let him go and not be sad about it but feel free. I feel like inside I have finally shed the last of my sadness and the last of my love for him. I’ve held on to that love for a really really long time and I thought that it was comforting when really holding on to that love was really keeping me down. B was a really important person in my life and will always be someone that has a piece of me. He just doesn’t and can’t have all of me anymore.

I really hope M phones me

The Future

Life happens and it happens constantly. It scares me and it makes me so sad that big important things are going to happen to the both of us and I won’t know and he won’t know. Even the small things, the things that wouldn’t seem important at all but I know would be important to each other. I don’t know if he ever thinks the same way, I don’t know if he has even considered this. All I know is, it hurts to know that life is going to happen to him and I’m going to miss it. What if something awful happens? What if he is hurting and I’m not there? Which is selfish I suppose because its not as if he needs me there for anything that is going to happen or could potentially happen, its my need to be there for him. Its my need because I love him. Its crazy to think that you can feel so strongly for someone and need them so much when they don’t feel for you or need you. I wish things could last. I wish that when you said forever to someone it actually meant something; not just in the moment but actually meant something.

Today is thanksgiving and I am supposed to be thankful and grateful for all the wonderful things in my life. I am grateful that I’m not alone even if I really feel like I am sometimes. I am grateful that I have people in my life who kept me breathing. I’m grateful that I haven’t had to witness him move on; I suppose that makes me grateful for distance. I hope next year I can be grateful and thankful for more progress

 

Lets Not Have A Repeat, Yeah?

ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod WHAT AM I DOING??? I’m letting myself have feelings for someone else?? Really?? An American of all people?? A fucking soldier of all people!

Last time I attempted something with someone new was tv guy and that turned in to the most epic of all epic fails. I literally could not bare to be around him in the end and the one time I somehow found myself having sex with him, I totally freaked!! I literally ran away and had to be calmed down by moo. If that happens here with him, what the fuck am I going to do?? There’s no moo, there’s no person to run to, there’s no one to stop me crying. If it turns out like last time I swear I’m going to give up all together. And what if I’m just a conquest? Someone finally lays the British girl? I mean, I think if its just about that then hes going through a lot of effort, we have been talking every single day and making plans for the summer and hes trying to sort his leave around when best to see me. So it can’t just be about the sex thing, right?

And then there’s the other awful thing. What if I do really like him. What if we do really get on and have real feelings for each other. I haven’t had real feelings for anyone since ex mr chop, I haven’t wanted to. It will mean really letting go and not having in him my heart anymore. Its so sad. So very sad babe that sometimes I don’t know how to handle it still.

I’m excited and scared shitless. I don’t know what to do

Epic Win, 5 Days To Go

Beach Break….amazing….Example, Beardyman, Ellie Goulding, Chase and Status, Dan le sac vs Scroobius Pip, dub everywhere….amazing! Had such a good time with moo and K (going to ignore the presence of M who bitched, moaned, cried and was generally a bit of a dick), loved the site, loved the sun, loved loved loved. Burnt my legs and my feet (in an interesting union jack kind of way aha jokes), had my foot broken by some giant of a guy, have lots of lovely pics and only thought about ex mr chop and got a little sad once. Weirdly also thought about the ex ex who I did actually miss a bit; even went to check out his friends band who was playing on the last day in one of the tents, on the off chance he did actually replace the drummer for this one gig. Anyway, really really glad I stayed for beach break.

So now it is saturday and I have 5 days till I leave, 6 days till I am in the states. SO excited to see my sister and everyone and be home. I’m sad cause I am going to miss everyone so so so so much and I’m trying to make sure I see everyone before I leave. I am going to miss the ex ex. I keep saying to myself that I won’t, that he means as much to me as I mean to him (i.e. its just been a sex thing) but I think in the back of my mind he was always going to be there, always going to be around and we would always be in each others lives and now I actually have to let him and the idea of us go; I know I keep saying that I was going to anyway and that its not fair but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know why, I don’t think we’re exactly healthy for each other but being around him, being with him, it just makes me happy. And now its actually going to be over and I’m going to miss him.

I’m going to miss moo. She is my sister, my twin and my wifey. We talk everyday and I value her opinions and thoughts more than anyone else and it is going to be hard not having her just a train ride or car journey away. We keep joking about how were going to be on skype all the time and that I’m going to keep mine on 24/7 so we are always connected but I am going to keep it on and I am going to make sure that even though I’m not around, even though were not going to be as in each others lives as we have been, its not going to matter and she will stay my sister, my twin and my wifey. I’m actually really scared to be starting out without my best friend who I can go to and chill out with. I have a plan though to get her over asap!

As much as I’m sad and going to miss people and places (Bournemouth, Salisbury, London), as much as I’m going to miss memories and as much as I’m going to miss my life, I am very excited!

Carbonara and Quentin Tarantino

Had date number two last night, went over to TV guy’s house (nice house considering its all boys aha), opened up some wine, he cooked the best home made carbonara I have ever had (I’m actually gutted I didn’t eat more it was that good but I didn’t want to stuff myself and then have to try and feel all pretty for him!!), had some nice chats. He’s really easy to talk to, its nice to be able to make conversation even though I was pretty much shitting myself from nervousness. Had a little snoop through his itunes, was pretty impressed at all the ska/punk/rock/dub/DnB choices that were there. I make such judgments from people’s music tastes, I think its the after affect of being with the ex ex, music is really important to me and I think its really important to have similar tastes. I like when people like something different and bring it in to my life but I do think overall you need to share common interests.

Anyway.

So then moved on to the lounge to watch a film (Reservoir Dogs), had another snoop through his films (like music, need to have similar choices of films and again was pretty impressed, phew!). Had nice cuddles and smooches (freaked out a bit from face touching) and was nice that he took control of the whole first kisses situation cause I was cacking it and was not going to be able to make the first move!

The only truly horrifying moment of the night was when I went to the toilet and thought I had gotten myself locked in. Not only had I not locked myself in but just couldn’t open the door, I was in there for aaages trying to work it out and even rang moo and lezzer in an attempt to see if this had happened to them before and if they had any advice. I was so trying to get out of there before TV guy realised what a dick I was but he heard me and saved me by….opening the door. Yeah, I’m a douche.

Apart from that though, it seemed to go well and it was really nice to hang out.

I have actually crashed moo and lezzer’s house, I’ve now been here since…Wednesday? And it’s now Sunday. Aha, I am totally moving in. I’m trying to make myself as useful as possible though so people don’t get annoyed; doing dishes, tidying up, keeping my shit tidy, brought some groceries with me when first came down and will get some more in when money comes through (please dear God cause I am SKINT) tomorrow. I like being here so until someone actually tells me to get out I’ll stay =D mwahahahaha.

Finished one assignment, have extension for the other so going to focus on revision for exam in a weeks time. Feeling really chilled out and happy actually, love being around moochop and just really enjoying shiz right now. Good times :o)

The Morning After

So went on the date with TV guy yesterday, went for a bit of lunch (he paid?!) and then went to the movie (again, he got the tickets?!), then came back to moo’s and lezzer’s where there was a mini gathering, lots of food.

Met up at moo and lezzer’s, walked to the bus. No real awkward silences (good times). Got in to town and went to costa to grab a quick lunch and hot drink (he paid which was so sweet), more chats. Went to the cinema, he paid for the tickets (again, sweet and unexpected seeing as he paid for lunch!). I got in the popcorn and drink. Again, still no really awkward moments, easy time chatting. Film was good (Avatar). No cinema hand holding or anything, I think because we had a massive drink in between us in the holder thing. Got out the film and he went in for the cuddle while walking thing, one awkward pause where we had nothing to really say (argh!). Got back to the house after stopping at asda (card is officially dead until student loan on monday) where a mini gathering started. Didn’t really spend much time together during that, felt a bit weird to me, I didn’t know how to act cause were not together but we had just spent the day together on a date so its not as if were like strangers. Plus I had accidently made a statement of us sort of being together by having a bit of a cuddle in front of Kelly (who of course made a comment of aww how was the date RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM!!! AHHH!!).

And then the worst of the worst. When he went to leave we had the awkward moment in the hall where he set down his bag and I went in for a hug and then was going to maybe go in for a kiss but he went in for a kiss first so we had major miss-kiss and then he left and I actually nearly died from embarrassment! And I felt so bad cause I really was going to go in for a smooch (I think) and then it looked like I was just brushing him off.

Anyway.

Then today I got a text (well actually a phone call but missed it) asking me round his for dinner and a movie tomorrow night and he’s actually cooking my all time favorite meal; carbonara. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! There is totally going to be some smooching or something and were going to be all alone and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Do I want to, do I not want to, is this right, is this not right??? I’m pretty sure I like him I just really don’t want to not be ready and then fuck anything (anyone) up!

Ergh, I’ll just see how it goes, take is slow and easy, hope that hes not just wanting more than that or just wanting a shag cause I don’t want to be in the awkward position of having to say no and enforce it. Especially as its all black ice outside and I won’t be able to make an easy escape!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh the pressures of a budding….romance??

Plans

If I’m deciding to post-pone my move to America, which has now been suggested by more than one professional, then I need to put my England plan back in to focus.

Get medical stuff sorted

Carry on with degree and try to at least get through second year? Or find a career job and be a worker person

Placement

Move back to Bournemouth is top of the list really

Job

Beach Break/Download/Bestival

Finances/Monthly payment thingies

Dissertation

Not much then! Always drama drama drama which I suppose I do sort of thrive off of, aha LOVE LIFE!!!!!