Life Is Hilarious

I swear, nothing ever ever goes as planned!! I’m starting to think that spontaneous people are only spontaneous because they have had enough life experience to know, you can plan and stress and plan but life has its own ideas of what the fuck it wants to do. I stressed about the date with M, I very very very nearly bailed, I didn’t know all the tiny details and it freaked me out that I was walking in to a situation where I couldn’t predict what was going to happen. In the end I had such a great time, he was so sweet, I had fun and met some really lovely people who I could definitely see spending time with. I was stressed and nervous about the date with T and in the end he bailed and opened my eyes to who he is and so I went out with ESM and met a friend! Someone the same age as me, same interests, same goals. Someone who goes to UAA and wants to go get dinner and hang out! I also lost my debit card, first time ever!! Managed to get it blocked within minutes though so no big deal.

Date with M. Oh my god, I really like him. Like, really really like him and its so shocking because I wasn’t expecting it! I really honestly didn’t think much was going to come from it, I thought that this was just a pseudo date to calm me down before my date with T which I thought was going to lead somewhere?! I’m frustrated with myself though, I don’t think I really left him with the impression that I do really like him and I did have a good time. I think I did? But I feel like this is something I really don’t want to screw up. Its really frightening. I’ve spent so much time shutting myself off and then I spend just a few hours with this one person and its like everything has changed, everything has shifted. What happens if I let this person in to my life and it all gets fucked up again? I’ve literally just started getting back on my feet, I’ve literally only just gotten back to myself, I’m finally starting the next chapter, the step to my future. I don’t want to be happy again only to have it all come shattering down again. But at the same time, I’m lonely. I miss being part of a team, I miss having that person who makes me want to be better. I feel like I am ready to fucking man up and stop being a little bitch and fucking try again! I am ready. Which means I’ve finally let go. Before I kept saying how I felt like I was losing him and it made me sad and scared because I wasn’t ready to lose him. Now I know that its not losing him, its being able to truly let him go and not be sad about it but feel free. I feel like inside I have finally shed the last of my sadness and the last of my love for him. I’ve held on to that love for a really really long time and I thought that it was comforting when really holding on to that love was really keeping me down. B was a really important person in my life and will always be someone that has a piece of me. He just doesn’t and can’t have all of me anymore.

I really hope M phones me

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