Oh. Oh No

I haven’t been struck by lightening since ex mr chop. Not only did I get struck by lightening today, I felt something come back alive in me that has been cold and buried for a really long time. That sensation of falling down a rabbit hole and inviting it? I haven’t wanted that in such a long long time and today I’m just going with it.

And I shall name him the music man. Haha, which is actually really perfect. He is just soooo easy to talk to! No odd silences because there was just soo much to talk about and he can just chat and chat and he’s so lovely to listen to. We have so much in common and he is pretty much everything that I know I need and want in someone. He has the humour and the banter, the same interests but will inspire me to grow. He has the charm without the smarm, he has the smile and the smarts, the sarcasm, fun. He is someone who I know would look after me but wouldn’t make me lose myself. Hes been through life, been through intense life situations, is an older sibling, knows what he wants, knows who he is. Hes the adult I’ve been looking for who isn’t completely there yet, hes still growing and so I can grow with him :). He is so sweet and lovely!! With him I feel that…spark. I haven’t felt that spark since the ex chop, I didn’t think I would feel the spark again!

I know it is really early days and who knows what the future is going to be like or if we will even make each other happy. Who knows if we are both honest about our intentions. Only giving it a chance will let me know though and even though I am terrified of what could happen and so scared of what I am feeling, I forgot how alive clicking with someone can make me feel, how hopeful and excited and amazed at how things can just happen. If I hadn’t taken a chance on him, if we hadn’t taken a chance on each other, than this would never have happened! Which is weird to think about, why him, why now? Am I ready? Am I worth it? I know I have a lot more to offer nowadays, I’m much less of a mess than I was. Already we’ve both broken boundaries with each other that we hide behind.

I can not wait to see how this one pans out!

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Feeling More And More Like Myself

I was at work yesterday, my fifth AM shift in a row for this week, it was near the end of my shift and I realised that I’m happy. I really like my job, I really like the people I work with, I really like interacting with all the different guests and I feel like I’m getting me back, getting back that confidence and spark and it feels really really good. I always thought I was really shit at making conversation with people I didn’t know and I always thought that I was so shy when I first met people that I gave off a rather stilted impression but here I am, jumping right in, talking to anyone and everyone, making new friends all the time, finding people to banter with. I haven’t given off a bad first impression, I’ve managed to be this person people like! And it is really satisfying to be working, knowing that I’m making money and having fun doing it. I feel a LOT less stressed and a lot more comfortable with myself and its weird but truly amazing because I thought I was lost. I thought I had lost me forever and I wanted to die. I had given up on myself completely, I was so very tired. Its a really odd thing to start realising you are worth something and that life isn’t that dark and scary and I can do this. I can be a part of the real world and be accepted and not have to be afraid, that I can cope.

Its been a long time since I thought I could cope. And I haven’t even been taking my anti bitching pills for a month and a bit

This Song Makes My Life

This and ‘Kids’ make me smile and think of summer, festivals, friends and good times.

Moo and Lezzer came down and saw me today, made me happy that they journeyed down to shithampton to see me :).

Its starting to get all sunny and spring like, the summer is coming up really fast! I can’t wait, summer means festivals, house hunting, being on the beach, theme parks, picnics, cold strongbow (dirty aha) in the sun. Hopefully some get aways, mini holidays and summer lovin’ aha. It also means certain people leaving Bournemouth and going away forever. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Thinking I am actually never going to see ex mr chop again or resolve anything makes me ache a bit. I’m sad that I can’t go to Landcrab this year, no lunches spent on the beach after work everyday; I really liked doing that. But thats just me missing the friend I use to know, that person doesn’t exist anymore. And thats ok now.

Mmmmmm bring on the summer!

Shiiiiiit…Love This Song Though

Bad times, found out I have a massive assignment due in friday so have been trying to cram as much back ground info in to my head as possible so I can get to the library earrrrly tomorrow, get some books together and then am crashing at moo’s so I can just walk it in the next morning. Sometimes my level of disorganisation astonishes even myself, jks. I suppose it means I can print out some CVs and take them around bournemouth friday. Blergh

Get Out of My Head!!

Drove my chevy to the levy….

Argh!

God I just so need to go to a dirty loud random heavy sweaty gig. If I’m not getting any loving then I need some other way to get rid of this energy; I just so wish there was something going on in Southampton. Yeah there was Enter Shikari last night but common dreads is shit and was never going to be massively enjoyable. PLUS there is just NOONE around anymore that enjoys a nice heavy gig; if its not the top 20 chart hits, nights out at shite clubs (Bliss, Lava, Toko etc), then its not worth knowing!! Karnivool isn’t until march, Hadouken are playing firestation but after seeing them at beach break last year and seeing what twatish dickheads they are I don’t think I can be bothered and I don’t recognise anyone else playing at joiners!! Skindred are playing the wedge in portsmouth march 9th so will def be going to that even if it is by myself!! But in the mean time, I just NEED something now! Soonish! In the next few days! Ahhhhhhh!

Summer Festivals

So had a text from loverr this morning ‘come isle of wight festival’. Am totally in buuuut going to be a bit crazy cause Isle of Wight is 10th-13th of June and then Beach Break is from 14th-18th of June so I would literally get back on sunday afternoon, would have to shower, do my laundry, repack my bag and tent, get my food bits together, get down to Bournemouth and the next morning get the coach to Wales for BB. Hectic BUT there are already some great people playing Isle of Wight; Pink, Biffy Clyro, Florence and the Machine, Mr Hudson, Calvin Harris, Blondie, Jay-Z, Friendly Fires, and PINK!!! So worth it for Pink alone really. Plus it would be amazing, get to go to a festy with loverr and prob loverr’s sister and co and totally get on it and then festy with moo where get to chill out on the beach. Not a bad way to spend 10 days really, it will be like a holiday, HOLIDAY!! Aha, jokes. Now just need to find £170 for a ticket, may ask it as my birthday present? And christmas present?

Mmmm would be nice!

Looking Forwards

I’ve decided that enough really is enough. I haven’t been giving myself the real chance to let go of a lot of past issues or feelings and I seem to be making life so much more complicated than it needs to be, especially when I have enough to think about (medical, uni, finding new house, placement). I’ve been letting myself be dicked around and not letting my heart fully heal. Well, today, its enough. I’m finally settling back in to being me, the happy creative chilled Kate, I’m getting back in to uni, I’m focusing on sorting a future out, there’s a guy that I’m interested in who seems to be interested in me and I don’t want my past to fuck any of that up. I know that what happened with the ex ex and ex mr chopper has really given me some trust/intimacy/hope issues but I don’t want to lose myself in them. I know that the medical stuff is hard but its being sorted and I’m not going to let it get me down. I know I have no idea what I want from my future but I’m starting to get an idea and its good. I’m tired of constantly looking to the past when the future holds so much more for me!

I just need to get on it!