I was reading through the main diary I kept while I was with Jay, the transition from Aaron to Jay and from the very beginning we were doomed. From the very beginning I said I didn’t think I could trust Jay, from the very beginning I said that I didn’t think I was over Aaron or that I could honestly let myself fall for Jay. And then as time went on I truly fell in love. And He loved me but I didn’t trust that, I didn’t believe in that but it was so obvious. Time and time again I said I wanted a life with Jay, a family with him. I remember one day I was sat with Kirstin down at the beach and we were laying on the sand looking at the stars and I said how we were two halves that fitted together perfectly and how much I loved him. And then Meg, Lizzy, Sara, Marie, the shit with Aaron. I needed things emotionally that Jay was just too immature to understand and then I let my distrust overrule my head and heart.
I know I’ve changed a lot in the past year. I wonder if he has as well.
I know we ended for a reason. I gave up. I couldn’t hold out anymore for the support, the show of love, the intimacy. And that hasn’t changed. I still need a partner, someone who can take the good and the bad with me, someone who is strong enough to keep us working as well as working alongside life. This was the problem with Brian as well, he’s a young guy who doesn’t want that responsibility. I’ve been ready for that for a while now though. I’m tired of only looking out for the well being of the other person, I want to be looked after at the same time. Not someone to pay my way, just someone who I can rely on. I really thought Brian was that person and he was amazing with the small things, but anything bigger was just too much for him.
There is good and bad in life, there is the easy stuff and the hard stuff. You can’t have one or the other, it doesn’t work like that, you get both and you have to deal with both. I’m tired of boys who can only go along with the good things. I need a man who help me shoulder the shit as well.
People think I don’t open up. Thats not really true. I don’t open up or share with people weaker than myself. I couldn’t open up to Brian because I could just tell that it would be too much. I didn’t want to push Jo over the edge, I didn’t want to add to Charlotte’s plate, I didn’t want to make mum feel like she failed. Ria and Maz are the only ones I can be truly honest with cause they have told me and shown me that they can not only handle it but will always support me no matter what.
Next time I will give love a chance. Next time I will try my hardest to believe in it. I hope I’ll still be able to recognise it when it comes back around though.
Life as I know it 