Taking Chances

Ok so yes, putting yourself out there and getting shot down SUCKS HAIRY DONKEY DICK. But you know what? I am fucking proud that I did it, I am fucking proud that I took a chance instead of once again letting life slip me by. It might not have worked out and yeah, when does it ever for me haha, but at least I fucking tried! I didn’t pussy out (too much). I took a chance on a boyfriend, I took a chance on a guy I liked (who I thought liked me to?! But no. Fack) and I am taking chances on making friends. Which is actually panning out, I have new friends and that can always be a good thing. So maybe next time I’m vibing with a guy and I take a chance it will work out. I’d rather be taking these long shots and being turned down than always wondering wondering wondering.

Am also being very immature about ex mexican man. Need to snap out of that

When To Give Up?

Exactly when do you give up? How much shit are you supposed to take for one person until you can walk away? How many times can you get your hopes raised only to have them completely crushed?

The thought of going home is really exciting to me. The thought of seeing moo and treacle and loverr and bomo and brighton and new years…makes my heart burst. The thought of seeing him? Is it really a good idea? Or is it going to just be another reality vs expectation situation? I see reality winning out here. I wish expectations would though and, until it doesn’t, I guess I’m just going to be very very hopeful

Life Can Take Today And Stuff It Up Its Arse

Ok so I may not be devastated and I may be pretty good, but to see your ex about a week after they broke up with you, walking up the hallway you are walking down, with another girl, who meets your eyes, looks away and then walks past completely ignoring you, well that shit fucking stings. A lot as it turns out. And to then be ignored again not a few hours later? Awesome, really fucking awesome. So much for being friends or thinking about it or being adult and mature and shit. Why bother stopping to talk to me the other day? Why not start as you mean to go on?

So basically a big fuck you ex mexican man! It wasn’t that big, it wasn’t that good, pretty sure I faked all but three times and I wasn’t too ill to keep it. I hope you are forced to swallow your own balls and choke and die.

Fin

Well This Is New

I have never had a boyfriend who I thought I was really in to, who finished with me and it didn’t leave me totally cut up. I feel fine, relieved, even happy? I think I was forcing myself to care more about than I really did because I didn’t want to remember the relationship as the guy who got me pregs, I wanted there to be something much more meaningful. But we were never really right for each other, it was never meant to be something serious.

My first taught me to know love, the ex ex taught me my limits, ex mr chop showed me what falling headfirst in love could be, poetry guy taught me I will not put up with crap I use to, the adult taught me I need someone on my wavelength and ex mexican man? He taught me I do want a future with a partner but at the same time that its ok not to fall in love with every person I am with. So I am at 6 life lessons right not, apparently you go through 9 before you’re ready to find that ultimate love.

I guess I am more on track than I thought. Its nice to know that I really am ok as well 🙂

Bipolar

I am the most up and down person these past few days, it’s such a joke. One minute I am totally fine, can imagine running in to ex mexican man, don’t miss him, don’t think about him and then something completely arbitrary can totally set me off. I know that I haven’t lost much, I know he was kind of a shitty boyfriend, I know that I am better off cause now I’m…alone? I wanted to say not feeling sad but I am, I wanted to say not wishing for a text but I am, I wanted to say not feeling lonely but I am. It’s just different types of sad and hopelessness and lonliness. Now I know for certain that there isn’t a single chance that he will take these feelings away and it’s that hope in a relationship (or in mine as the case may be) that is the killer. Disappointment is the ultimate killer. Like I said, for me anyway. I am not anywhere near as heartbroken as I’ve been before (thanks ex mr chop) and I think this is why I’m really confused on to how I do actually feel. Because I’m not a zombie I think that I must not have really been in to ex mexican man. But then I get these big moments of sadness and I know that’s not right, I was really in to him, I really cared about him and I really wanted to believe that he cared about me as well. Which turned out to be false but hey, a girl can dream right? I guess he was never going to care about me in the way I wanted though, not after the summer, not after realising how heavy school was going to be, not after realising that I wanted a boyfriend and not a part time hook up. I feel like he viewed me as a friend who he sometimes slept with and that made it hard for him to see me as a girlfriend who had the right to his time. I miss him. I don’t know right now if that is because we were friends and I miss my friend or if I miss him because he was my boyfriend and now he isn’t. Or a mixture of both. All I kept thinking about today was what would I do if I saw him? Would I avoid eye contact and walk away as fast as possible, would I totally run in the opposite direction, would I smile and walk past, would I smile and stop to talk? At first I thought about how totally fine I was and therefore would smile and stop and talk. I would say ‘It’s ok you know, I’m ok and I want us to be ok. And you know where I am if you fancy a shag haha’. I would say ‘Lets be friends, I always thought maybe we would do better as friends’. I’d ask how his family was to show how I did still care. But then as I was walking through the spine today, at the time I know he would have been there, my heart started racing, I panicked and raced down that hallway to salvation. Possibly not ready to be friends then. I’m pretty sure he’s avoiding me actually cause there are moments today I generally would have seen him and he wasn’t around. But then that would be thinking about me and caring about seeing me, neither of which I think he’s doing. So I think I’m just reading in to the situation as is my standard behaviour. I don’t want to get back together I don’t think. I don’t think I was happy with him either. But just in the way that I half hoped to see and half prayed would never have a run in with ex mr chop, so goes it with ex mexican man.

I just hate that once again I was promised that someone was there for me and left! That I had this person to rely on when I didn’t! I hate that he promised to not do this to me and did! I hate that I am never ever fucking good enough. I hate that I am always the one left to cry and pick up the shards. I hate that I’m the one with the trust issues which people can’t understand why when it is pretty freaking obvious.

I mostly hate knowing that I miss him and he does not miss me

Or Not….

But the, now ex, boyfriend didn’t want to be with me. In the exact same spiel that I heard from ex mr chop, ex mexican man didn’t want a serious relationship, had known for a while and once again I knew the signs when I first felt them but ex mexican’s insistence that he wanted to be with me pulled serious wool over my eyes. At least this time was only 6months of my life wasted and there isn’t really anything like pictures etc to have to get rid of or get over.

I guess I really am destined to be the girl who is left

For Reals This Time

Deleted the messages and blocked from facebook and for real this time. No unblocking in the next couple of days, no tears, no sadness. This is what needs to be done, we both really really need to just let it go and move on. I don’t want ex mr chop to be the one because that means I will never be happy again. I don’t want that, I want to be able to give my current and/or any future relationships a real try. I want things with my boyfriend to be good, I want him to be the only one I think about and I’m mad at myself because typically he is. Yes every now and again ex mr chop would creep in to my head and yes me and the boyfriend have been having some issues recently but he is in my heart, I truly care about him and there is not a single part of me that wants to hurt or to lose him. I also want ex mr chop to be happy and not miss me or still love me because that’s not healthy and he should find someone as well. We did actually try the friends thing which is why I think this time is different from before; there are no maybes and no wonderings. I know that we can not be friends and it’s sad but there isn’t anything that either one of us can do.

It’s sort of crazy but I feel like this might be a really positive step for me and the boyfriend because more than ever I know how much I want to be with him and only him

Where Is Bernard’s Watch When You Need It…

The most painful thought is knowing how your life is meant to turn out and the most difficult realisation is knowing it never will be.

To me a soulmate is your own soul’s recognition in another. It is as if the whole world suddenly narrows down until all you can see is this one person and you know they are special, you don’t know why, but you know that this person is going to change you. Completely. Forever. Nothing will stop you from being with this person. Except of course if they all of a sudden develop complete retardedness and leave you for no fucking reason and then are too chicken shit to fix the situation until it is too goddamn late.

Sorry I fucked up what could have been the rest of our lives, I miss you, I’m sorry and I think I will always love you. Really? Now? 3 years later? Are you fucking kidding me? Each sentence was like another bullet through the shield I’ve concocted around myself and once again I am left defenseless and full of these muthfucking holes!

I really like my boyfriend. A part of me does love him because I care for him and he could have potentially been the Y to my X chromosome. I am not in love with him but maybe one day I could be? But I don’t think its fair. I don’t want to still be in love with someone else and just merely be making do. Maybe that’s why my boyfriend doesn’t know how he feels about me or doesn’t love me. Maybe a part of him knows that my heart is not 100% in it. Unless I am. I feel like I could be? 100% in it.

I just have all these bullet holes….