Dean’s List

Officially made it. This doesn’t mean anything other than I have a good GPA for the term but it means something to me. It means that the goal I set for myself to get on Dean’s List and prove myself academically and show that I have changed, I managed to achieve. For once, I achieved. Proud self right here.

I can always tell when I’m happy or more settled because time between posts becomes longer. I’ve finished my first semester, I’m back at HAP, the summer stretches before me, I’ve re-applied for financial aid, I’ve chosen fall’s classes, I have one last chance to pass 054 Pre-Algebra over the summer (thank you maths teach), I’m doing better at home, I’m happy with the boyf. I still desperately miss moo and England but there isn’t much I can do about that.

The boyf. I keep judging him against ex mr chop and he keeps proving me wrong and making my head spin! I’ve been worried about dating another guy in his earlyish 20’s, like ex mr chop, who isn’t ready for a relationship, isn’t willing to work at it and make something with another person. I’ve been worried he doesn’t really want the responsibility that comes with being with someone. I worry he’s going to make me need him and then run away. Except he isn’t ex mr chop. And I need to remember that. Its not just that he seems to know what I’m thinking and says the right words, he actually acts on them. He knows that relationships take work and that a successful relationship takes communication and learning. He doesn’t see a problem and run away or ignore it, he faces it because he wants to fix it and makes me face it. He is already making me a better person by making me stronger, not just within us but in my head. He makes me believe in others again. He makes me believe in him and us. I think I’m making him a better person too by giving him someone who gives him confidence in himself, something I think he was really missing. We are not perfect, individually or together, but we both know that, we both accept that and we both (with him definitely leading the way) want to work at it, are willing to work at it. He accepts me for me, with all my flaws and doubts and fears. He doesn’t just accept them, he wants to help me with them, he believes I am someone who can be saved and am worth saving. Its so fucking corny and so fucking true.

I am going to miss him a lot over the summer but I’m surprisingly not sad. I think its because I might just believe in us and I know that no matter what, he is going to miss me a lot as well. My boyf is pretty damn awesome

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Thursday Blues

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah am feeling totally depressed right now, stupid beach break stuff all over my facebook! All I want to be doing right now is riding up on a coach with my moo, all excited about the monday warm up, planning who we want to see, discussing the best way to keep me away from tent putting-up stress and scoping out fit festy boys. It makes me very very sad that instead I am sat at my desk at work in another sodding country.

However, it makes me very happy to know that tonight, after work at job2, I am going to spend my evening drinking, getting high, being out and basically forgetting my name.

Which is kind of like being at a festy, right?

Leaving, On A Jet Plane….

Don’t know when I’ll be back again (literally).

In 14 hours I shall begin my epic journey (leave from heathrow at 10, change planes in NYC, fly to salt lake city where have a 3 hour layover and then arrive in anchorage at half midnight). We have to leave at 5.30am so I’m going to have to be up at 4 to shower and get the bags in the car and shiz. EFFORT! I just tried to check in online but it said there’s a problem so I have to go to the desk at heathrow WHICH is what happened with lil bro last year and he got bumped up to club class, so I am hoping and praying that I am being bumped up a lot of classes. Cause that would be crackin’.

Have said my goodbyes to the people that matter, am going to give loverr a call tonight after I’ve seen moo (who is taking me somewhere and has put pure love in to today as I have been told). Been up since 6 running around getting myself and my stuff together, cleaning the house, packing, laundry. I am sooo tired already aha.

The ex ex came round for a goodbye today and I was able to get him in to a bed for the first time in about 3 years and for the first time in about 7 months it wasn’t back of the car, fast and furious sex; it was slow, sensual, me in control lovin’ and it was really nice. I am going to miss him a lot. He won’t ever know it but even with the guilt, even not being able to read him, even though we were each others dirty little secret; rediscovering our friendship and being made to feel wanted and beautiful has done so much for me, healed some parts of me that I thought were always going to be broken. It hasn’t healed all of me or some of my bigger parts but that was never going to happen, those part of me (if they ever do) are going to take years to become whole again. But he is my best guy friend, I can tell him anything and not feel judged or uncomfortable about it and we have a laugh so as much as the sex was nice, I’m going to miss his company more than anything.

I am so very sad that I’m going with the intention of probably not coming back and ex mr chop and I were never able to sort us out, get over what happened, try to be friends. And now we will never have that chance and its actually really upsetting. I can’t believe when he walked out august last year that, that was the last time I was ever going to properly see him or speak to him. That being our last talk and our last moments together is horrible because that whole situation was horrible. I wish I had actually meant as much to him as he said and could have at least wanted to try and keep me in his life in a friendly way. I wish he had been less of a coward. It would have been nice to have still had my bantering mate in my life and to be able to say goodbye to him instead of leaving and him not knowing or caring. I suppose it is a good thing I’m going so I can leave this bullshit behind me.

I will miss pubs, the beach, primark, new look, london, bournemouth, uni, uni peeps, charminster, festivals, gigs, elements (lave ignite), bar:me, aruba, the firestation, UK accents, marmite, tea, costa, come dine with me, hollyoaks, big brother, location location location, alton towers, thorpe park, the new forest, toby carvery, harvester, tower park, nandos, my life here.

I will miss moo more than I could ever express and I’m really sad and worried about leaving her behind. I love her a lot. I will miss the whole Gonads family!

So far I have packed my suitcase with my hard stuff and later I’ll do my duffle with my clothes (although I have a bad feeling that more than 1 bag on delta costs more. Going to have to BLAG!

Time to get ready for my moo twinny wifey lover x x x x x x x

Waiting For Life To Begin

I am literally just sat around now waiting for things to start happening; beach break in a week, then packing for America, mum’s birthday, doctors appointment, goodbyes and then getting on the plane. I think I have a plan, well two actually. If I get in to third year I will come back, live with moo, graduate and get in to publishing. If I don’t, I’m going to take some time out, save up some money, find my feet and start with a fresh slate doing what in my heart of hearts I know I was born for. I am argumentative, opinionated, always right, can argue black is white, I love to debate and I want to get back to using my more than capable brain. I am meant to be in court, I was born to stand up in front of my peers and make them see things my way. I’m ready for it now, I want to work for it now, so thats what I will do. I’m ready to stop being the fuck up now and do something with my life, I’m ready to make my family proud of me again and I’m ready to feel proud of myself again! But thats not just if I go back in to law, I would more than love to get in to publishing as that is my other passion; reading, books, literature, fantastical stories, epic tragedies. Graduating from Bournemouth and going in to publishing (probably and hopefully somewhere in London) would also be amazing. Harder because I wouldn’t be working with a clean slate but still fulfilling. The dream always has been and always will be to end up in New York, in an amazing loft apartment in Manhattan being able to afford all the Choos and Blahniks I could ever want. That is the goal and I will get there.

I fucking promise you that

Neeeeervous

GTO exam tomorrow. Am nervous but have some hope.

Been in the bad bad place since yesterday, I really don’t know why and I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with me but my sleep has gone crazy again, I keep crying, I keep thinking bout ex mr chop and the ex ex. I keep thinking that nothing matters cause I won’t be coming back, once that plane hits Alaska thats it, I’m going to work for a bit, I’m going to save a bit of money, I’m going to let my head settle and then start school again with a fresh perspective and actively aim for purpose in my life.

I dunno, I just think sometimes that I am so done here

Healing

For the first time in a while I read a book and enjoyed it in the way I use to. I couldn’t put it down, I could hear the characters and I took something from it. It was a story of a woman who was broken through the mistakes of her family, broken through losing who she thought was the love of her life and yet she still overcomes these things and ends up with the right guy and is happy. She learns from her mistakes and the mistakes of her parents and builds on those lessons to make herself stronger. I know it was only a fictional book about a fictional woman but it made me think; I will not always be broken and just because I come from a broken background doesn’t mean I’m going to make the same choices.

I’ve been working hard so I’m feeling ok about the exam. I’ve been taking my pills so I’m feeling less frustrated. I’m looking forward to beach break and I’m going out to America at the end of June and working which I’m sort of excited about. Yeah I’m still in a crappy place, yeah I still miss what I had but its not the end of the fucking world! Yeah every so often I’m in the dark place but jesus christ its not that bad!

So excited to see maddie next month!

Time Is Not My Friend

I’m looking forward to the summer. I’m looking forward to beach break and spain (hopefully) and working and seeing people and beach.

I’m also dreading it. I’m dreading coming closer and closer to the time of my heartbreak. Next month will be when he first broke up with me and then told me he would never ever hurt me like that again. And then I’ll miss him at beach break. And then July will roll around and I’ll be thinking about how thats when we were together in America. And then august 8th will come about, the day he walked out and I just stopped.

I think back to this time last year and I was so happy I was blissful. BBQs, splashdown, pink, alton towers, mini BBQs with dan, lunches on the beach, making dinners, funki sushi, harvester. Just being so chilled, so relaxed, so…in love. And now what am I? Lonely I suppose. I have my friends and I love them all to death, I just miss the man cuddles and being in bed next to someone and getting the butterflies when you kiss.

I guess I just miss the butterflies

A Smurfing Good Time

I am currently sat with a blue ‘clay’ face mask on that promises to ‘purify and cleanse’ my pores for up to 7 days. Smells nice at least but I do look like a badly made up smurf. Aha.

Day 11 of anti depressants and I’m still not overly sure there is a difference? The most noticeable effects would have to be I’m finding little things a bit more funny and my sleep has gone from not being able to fall asleep till 5/6am and waking up at 8/9am to not falling asleep till 5am BUT being able to stay asleep once I’m under (however I am now not waking up till 11am and am losing half my day. Slightly annoying when I am trying to turn over a new leaf and actually make it in to uni early).

Am totally craving a thorpe park/alton towers trip. Seriously. I can’t think of anything more fun right now then losing myself in a fast, high, scary ride session! Was invited to M’s thorpe park thing but am sooooo skint till finance comes through (plus have a lot of work to be getting done. Not that, that would have stopped me if I could have afforded to go aha).

Have been looking at a few flats and have found one that I am so in love with, its madness. A 3 bed flat in lansdowne, got views, got a nice kitchen with table, student friendly and these double bedrooms that are amazing. One has 360 degree views and is all windows and light and the other has a massive frigging balcony and I can just imagine us putting a table and chairs out there in the summer, working on our dissertations, having drinks. Seriously want this flat. Then there’s the flat that M found in charminster, really nice living/dining room, really nice rooms, nice kitchen, great location. Plus a lot cheaper than my dream flat. I want us to look at both of them though, see what the feelings in our bones say and go from there. Love love love both places!

Mmmmm summer is soooooo close! Totally pissing it down but it still smells all fresh and light. Can’t wait!!