I feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and going lalalalala I can’t hear you but then at the same time I literally want to shake information out of this guy! Our mutual friend is telling me that he thinks there’s a chance? That its worth finding out? I feel like he knows more than he’s letting on and its driving me crazy! I tell him that the worst part is living with any sort of hope and then he dumps a truckload of it on me. And its so fucking painful because I just KNOW he’s wrong and I KNOW it will come to nothing but now I can’t stop thinking and hoping and wishing and that fucking aching crater in my chest that I try so hard to ignore is indescribable. The way I feel when shit like this happens is indescribable; it tears everything open again, everything that I work so hard at trying to forget or hide all bubbles to the surface and to the world I am the same, I am calm, I am happy and inside I am screaming. This is why it was dangerous to still talk to the mutual friend, this is why I have made sure to not talk about ex mr chop to the mutual friend.

So no more, just stop

The Future

Life happens and it happens constantly. It scares me and it makes me so sad that big important things are going to happen to the both of us and I won’t know and he won’t know. Even the small things, the things that wouldn’t seem important at all but I know would be important to each other. I don’t know if he ever thinks the same way, I don’t know if he has even considered this. All I know is, it hurts to know that life is going to happen to him and I’m going to miss it. What if something awful happens? What if he is hurting and I’m not there? Which is selfish I suppose because its not as if he needs me there for anything that is going to happen or could potentially happen, its my need to be there for him. Its my need because I love him. Its crazy to think that you can feel so strongly for someone and need them so much when they don’t feel for you or need you. I wish things could last. I wish that when you said forever to someone it actually meant something; not just in the moment but actually meant something.

Today is thanksgiving and I am supposed to be thankful and grateful for all the wonderful things in my life. I am grateful that I’m not alone even if I really feel like I am sometimes. I am grateful that I have people in my life who kept me breathing. I’m grateful that I haven’t had to witness him move on; I suppose that makes me grateful for distance. I hope next year I can be grateful and thankful for more progress


There Is No Hope Left

I have this friend, he is (was) the epitome of that good amazing considerate white knight type of guy. Head screwed on straight, waited till marriage to pop his cherry, worked hard, managed to get a house at the age of 24, good Christian values (by this I mean a practicing Christian who doesn’t feel the need to push his religion down everyone’s throats, actually acted like a decent human being and doesn’t use his religion to feel better than everyone else). He got married young, 22, and I always knew it was fast and he was young and hadn’t had enough experience in life yet to be able to work at a marriage. For the past few weeks he’s been hinting to me how miserable he is and I had already guessed it was him not wanting to be married anymore. Today I got the full story. Not only did he not want to get married in the first place, before he even went through with the wedding he had met someone else. And is now stuck in hell because he feels obligated to stay with his wife but is in love with this other woman who he says is his soulmate and hes never felt like this before with anyone and can’t live without her.

I feel really sad for him because I know exactly what its like to not be able to be with your soulmate, I know exactly how it feels when you are struggling to breathe through the pain and can’t imagine a life without that person by your side. I wish I could have told him it gets easier but I’m still drowning and its been 2 years.

Then he went on to say how soon his wife will want a family and he won’t be able to do that with her. Oh and as for the other woman he’s fallen truly in love with, they have already snuck off and been making out. This stand up guy who I actually have used to judge other guys by. Are you fucking serious?? You can’t be fucking man enough to leave the non relationship because you don’t want to hurt her or either family but its ok to go sneaking around behind her back? Its ok to keep your wife in a loveless marriage where one day you will deny her, her family? Sorry bruv, grow a fucking pair and sort it out.

I sympathise with him, I really do. Leaving the ex ex for ex mr chop was really fucking hard and devastating. This was a guy I had been living with for years, who I thought was my future and then when I came face to face with the one I knew that I had to leave. I manned up, I took my licks for being the bad guy and I did it without cheating or sneaking around. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I will never regret doing it. So while a part of me sympathises, the other part wants to backhand him across the face. Vows are made for a reason and if you can’t respect them and can’t be true to them, do the fucking decent thing and walk away. Have the courtesy for this person who loves you to not make an even bigger fool of them.

This was the best guy that I knew and now hes just another one of those guys. I don’t really know what to do with that

My Inner Self Is A Retard

I like sex. I think sex is great. Its fun, its horny, its a great form of exercise and its just good times. But you know what I realised? I was thinking about this, I have not had a lot of good sex in my life and I know its not cause its hard to get me off cause I can do it myself in under 10minutes, its cause I have to be really really in to the guy I’m with for there to be any sort of orgasm. And I don’t just mean oh you’re hot so I’m really in to this, I have to really care about the guy I’m with. Its so stupid cause what, does that mean I will only have pleasurable sex with guys I’m in love with?? How hopeless is that?? I don’t want a relationship cause I don’t want to fall in love cause its too scary ┬átherefore I’m doomed to an O-less life??

It totally makes sense as well cause the one person I was truly in love with was the only person who could actually get me to that point and consistently, not just once in a while like the ex ex. Maybe that’s another reason why I can’t let go, because I don’t think I could ever have that with anyone ever again so really, whats the point? And yes, whats the point, I am not one of those people who believes that sex is a small part of a relationship. If that’s what you believe then fair enough but for me? Fuck no! Sex is an EXTREMELY important part of a relationship, its about intimacy and being lovers and using that lust and love for each other in a real and physical way. Its makeup sex and silly sex and making love. It is important.


Well, That Sucked

Last week I got this lump in the side of my face and so toddled off to the docs who gave me some antibiotics and was told to go back in Monday to have a look. Went back in to today where doc kindly informs me he is going to stick a massive needle in my face to numb the area and then a different massive needle to drain the lump (blocked salivary gland as it turns out) and then if that didn’t work he would stick another massive needle in to numb it a bit more and then would scalpel open my face to take it out. None of this worked in the end and I have to go to a different doc tomorrow cause they need to cut in deeper and first doc didn’t want to cause “there are lots of nerves in the face and I don’t want to accidentally paralyze you”. Umm cheers for the casual reference to paralyzing me?!

It really hurt and it REALLY hurts right now and am kinda dreading going in tomorrow (hopefully they are going to knock me out and then it will just be like my wisdom teeth and I’ll just wake up and go home). The worst part wasn’t the fact it hurt though, it was the fact I was there, legit shaking and tearing up (ok, crying but in a silent I’m trying to be strong so ignore me kind of way), all alone. I didn’t have anyone to hold my hand, I didn’t have anyone to tell me it was going to be ok. I really missed my mum at that point. She basically came to every doc thing with me and would talk for me when I couldn’t and would yell at people who hurt me and would hold my hand and sit in A&E for HOURS just so I wouldn’t be alone. I know I’m not a kid anymore, I am an adult who is perfectly capable of going to the doctor alone. I just REALLY hate the doctors and this place smelled like being in hospital and I hate people sticking needles in me (doing my own shots is fine, it’s not the needle, it’s the fact I’m not the one in control of it) and I hate pain. Doctor surgeries actually scare me cause I always have something that is going on and always have to submit to some sort of procedure and I just feel so fucking helpless.

I hate that it was really scary and I had to do it alone and no one has even thought to give me a hug. I don’t want attention or babying, just a quick hug. I know that mum would have given me a hug and I’m really sad that she wasn’t here



Yesterday I get told, twice in one work day, by the boss to work on my accent which will benefit me professionally as well as in my personal life as he’s sure I need to work on that as well. Later on same thing, he’s sure that things I do and the way I am in my personal life need work so as to benefit my professional life.

Firstly, that is racial discrimination and you can be DAMN SURE that if I was from anywhere other than England, he wouldn’t say diddily shit. For fuck sake, one of our accounting people is from fucking Texas and I think she is waaaay harder to understand than I am. HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH HOW I FUCKING TALK. Secondly, FUCK YOU, I GOT MY STUDENT LOAN APPROVED BIATCH, I AM GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE IN ABOUT 2 MONTHS. SO FUCK YOU.

I pity the fool who takes on this job, I really do.

The best thing about this is the fact that I got all my paperwork and loan applications and online shiz and faxing and mailing to get accepted on the course as well as get my loan, right here at the office using the office supplies. Actually no, the best thing is, I don’t need him as a reference EVER so I am going to be able to not just quit, but to tell him EXACTLY what I think about him. I can just see it now; Boss man, you are a senile awful disgusting smelly cunt. You have to rehire all the time because of these traits. People in the business will actively not work with you because of these traits. You blatantly have erectile dysfunction and the thai bride is potentially the most pathetic thing about you but I’m sure there are more things that are worse that we don’t know about. Go suck a dick, I’m out.

Ahhh, sweet sweet unburdening!