Strange Strange Times

Boyfriend. I haven’t had a real honest to god boyfriend since ex mr chop. It feels really weird to be honest, I’ve been single for so long and fought against having feelings for anyone so hard, that to have given in and let go gives me the sensation of falling. I know I really like him, obviously since I’m in a relationship with him, I just don’t know if I like him enough for it to really go anywhere or if I like him enough for it just to be something for now. In the back of my mind all I can think about is the summer and whats the point in becoming invested in someone who is going away for 3-4months in about 2months? Were too new, were not strong enough to survive a long distance thing, I don’t even think I believe in long distance things. Or am I just doing my usual look ahead and freak thing. Should I just be enjoying this for what it is for as long as I have it and not worry about whats to come. Thing is I’ve never been like that, I always look ahead to judge whether something is right for me and worth my time. Hes never had a serious girlfriend or even a longish term girlfriend. That’s all I’ve ever been! I don’t know how to have a non-serious relationship but I don’t think that’s what he wants? I’m still not one to make a guess at what he wants from me or is thinking, I still don’t really know him. We still don’t really know each other. Except sometimes I think he knows me better than I think he does whereas I feel like I only know surface stuff about him. I thought he wouldn’t want to publicise our relationship and instead he was hurt cause he thought that it was me who didn’t want to. I thought he was only in it for sex and instead he’d been waiting for me to show interest in taking it to the next level. He knows what coffee I drink, I don’t know his?! That was a surprise. He knew I was hanging yesterday and found me in the library and had gotten me my coffee. I was shocked. I didn’t realise he’d been paying that close attention.  I already feel like a bad girlfriend and we’ve only been official for about a week!!

I’m just so scared. I’m scared of hurting him, I’m scared of letting him down, I’m scared of becoming attached to him, I’m scared that I won’t meet his expectations of me, I’m scared that I’m so use to being single and alone and independent that I won’t be able to be a girlfriend. I even tried scaring him off already by being all ‘being a boyfriend is a totally different set of responsibilities blah blah’. No dice. I’m also wondering if I’m trying to use this to hurt ex mr chop. The whole nany nany boo boo, I win, I’ve moved on with a real relationship. Except is it a real relationship if I’m using it as a victory or is that a natural after effect, the whole winning thing. I know I need to chill out and relax about this whole thing, I know I do. I just can’t help it, I hate not knowing, I hate how unsure about things I still am. The whole non-pda thing is not helping either. I am a person who makes a connection through being physical. We haven’t had sex in an age and now I can’t cause I’m on my fucking cycle (on one hand phew on the other, irritating as fuck) and at uni I’m so unsure how to be around him. I can’t be affectionate, I can’t be physical. I don’t even get hugs. I’m not asking for him to eat me out in the middle of the library, I’m not asking for make out sessions, I don’t even want the whole hand holding thing (which yeah, would also be nice once in a while). But a hug? A hand on the knee? Something, anything?! That would be nice. I don’t know how I’m supposed to build a connection with him if I can’t physically connect with him.

Or this is all just really stupid and I’m making problems out of nothing so I can feel justified in pushing him away.

KA-BLOOOOOM!

That would be the sound of my head exploding. Waaaaay too much is going on right now and I’m totally freaking out and no-one can understand why I’m freaking out and I just want someone to actually listen to me and let me ramble for a bit and give me hug.

I miss the times of bomo house and zoots and random trips to Brighton. I miss A.Summers and friends and hazy days. People tell me I’m supposed to be really excited about starting uni again and I am. I’m also terrified I’m going to fail for real this time and I’m out of running away options. I’m terrified of the date with M, I’m terrified of the date with T. Really terrified about that one actually. I’m nervous about interviews on monday and uni on tuesday and maybe more dates and running out of money and training for new jobs and leaving the people I’ve been around more than my family for the past year and I miss my best friend. I know that me and moo have tried really hard to not let it be different or change us but of course me being here going through all my shit and her being back home going through all her shit and us not being there through all the shit together, of course it changes things. If I was back home going through all of this I would be able to just sit and rant at her and break down and she’d be there.

I think that right now, I’m living life. For a change. It feels like I’m free-falling without a parachute. I feel like I’m out of breath and I’m literally going to have a heart attack and die.

Tomorrow: Date with M. Saturday: Date with T. Monday: Interview. Tuesday: Uni. Too many things to think about

From Married To Single

Changing my facebook status from in a relationship with the ex to single was traumatising, so much so, moo married me and its actually been a real comfort to not read nothing or single in my status thing. However, I have been thinking that its time to accept my single status and embrace it instead of being saddened or ashamed of it, as well as the fact my wife is now in a place where I could see she needed to not be married to me anymore so I’ve been dropping a few hints here and there about divorce and today flat out said, its time.

At first I was a massive coward and just left it blank and then I thought no, this is me, this is who I am and so I am now officially, for the first time in my facebook history, single.

I know its only a small thing but its scary. To admit I’m alone. I actually feel sad about having to divorce my facebook wife but it hit me, this recognition of the need to embrace the ‘single’ part of me, I’m moving on. I’ve finally reached the getting on with life, not holding on to anything anymore stage and yes its very sad and weird but its time and I’m glad.

Or fuck it, I might just marry my Lezzer lover instead aha

Dreading The First Run In

It is getting closer and closer to the time we’re going to run in to each other. I can feel it and I know I’m not going to handle it well.

I want to come back to Bournemouth. I miss it, I just want to go home, live with my people I know, just be back! I’m so grateful to my mum for letting me move back to Southampton but everything I am is in Bournemouth.

I feel like its not getting easier. I feel like every day instead of missing you less I miss you more and i just want it to be easier now! You think I want to feel like this?? You think I want hurt like this? You think I don’t wish every second of every day I could be over this?