I think trying the whole friends thing has been a mistake. Do you see it? We seem to constantly be commenting on each others things. We talk to each other in the way that started this whole mess. We still use our inside jokes. I know this doesn’t mean anything to you, I know that you won’t understand why I think we need to stop now. I wasn’t hurting, at first. I wasn’t back to missing you deep in my core. I have a chance to really actually move on but all I can think about is you. All I can do is look at your pictures and think how I know that face, I know that smile and I’m back to being confused. Confused on why we aren’t together. I feel that empty hurt and loneliness that I did when you left; that loneliness that eats away at everything and its not fair cause I really have been working on fixing it. I know that when you said you loved me and that I was your soulmate, that you probably thought that you meant it and this is the problem. When you said those things I don’t think you really understood what you were saying and so didn’t really mean it. I don’t think this was on purpose, I just think that you were caught up in the moment. So the problem is, when I said that I loved you, when I said that you were the one, I meant it with everything I had. I still mean it. I DON’T WANT TO MEAN IT ANYMORE! I am SO TIRED of meaning it! FUCK YOU FOR BEING OK. FUCK YOU FOR GETTING OVER IT DAYS AFTER YOU LEFT. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK YOU WERE FOREVER. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK YOU WERE DIFFERENT. FUCK YOU FOR LEAVING. FUCK YOU FOR MESSING WITH MY HEAD AFTER YOU LEFT. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FOR COMING BACK IN TO MY LIFE.
Fuck me for letting you
Here’s the thing. I know that I am still obsessive over where it went wrong and what happened and how I still have feelings for him. I know that he does not think or feel in the same way. And I now know that my whole charade of ‘I’m over you’ obviously worked. But to someone who knows me, really knows me, they always see through that. They know I’m just putting on a show and they try to not mention anything that will hurt me or even bring him up. I know it’s been nearly a year and half since he left. I realize in that time I should be so over this by now that I’m happy with someone else. However, I’m not and people who know me, know I’m not. I know it’s been nearly a year and a half but I haven’t really changed; not as a person, not how I think or feel about things. So why doesn’t he know this? He’s supposed to know me inside out, even if it has been a year and half. So why doesn’t he? And if he does, which I really really think he does, why send me that sort of message? A message to tell me he thinks about me, a message acting like he cares, a message with a link to a song where the basic premise is a guy who is in love with a girl and wants to be with her. A guy who knows that they’re made for each other and not made for each other but wants to be with this girl anyway. Apparently this song came on and reminded him of me. Yeah? In what way exactly? Basically all that’s happened is I randomly popped in to his head momentarily and he decided on a whim to send me a message and friend request. Cause apparently we are ready to be ‘friends’ now. When the fuck did that happen?? When he told me my life was shit? When he ignored my email of friendship? When he walked past me and barely acknowledged my existence? Oh yeah, were all set to be the best of buds now aren’t we? You asshole. Everlong. Of course. Fucking Pandora. Why do I still think I know him? Why do I still think he knows me? Why be ‘friends’? I mean really, I’m in Alaska. It’s a bit fucking late to try with each other. Although I suppose this is why he’s doing this, cause it can give the appearance of being the good guy and wanting to put all the bullshit aside and be mates again but because we are both so far away from each other, he doesn’t actually have to put any effort in, there are no consequences and there is no fear of running in to each other. In the part of me that still loves him and daydreams about him turning up at the door to proclaim his love and severe stupidity, I imagine that he’s reaching out because he wants to make that daydream a reality. In the part of me that deals with reality, I am bitterly confused and tired. I don’t want to ruin the ex mr chop in my head who is my forever but the ex mr chop in real life makes it really hard sometimes. Which isn’t fair, the fantasy ex mr chop is all I have left.
On the bright side, Mexico in 3 days, woooooooooooooop
So I had this dream the other night. In this dream I think I was somewhere in the UK. At the beginning I was in the bears tooth I think and then I was in Tesco with mum. Finally I think I was in a mix of the West Quay and Dimond Mall and it was there that I ran into ex mr chop and instead of just walking past me; pretending I wasn’t there, he stopped and smiled. He smiled at me and asked how I was, how was I doing. He said it seemed like I was doing really well for myself and he gave me that smile, the one that let me know he was actually happy to see me, the smile that use to make me melt, feel like I was home and finally safe. It was the smile that would make me breathe a sigh of relief because he was finally with me again. The best thing about that smile wasn’t because of these reasons. It was because I knew he smiled because he was feeling all the same things. So, he gave me that smile and started to walk away but he was looking back and I knew he didn’t want to leave so I ran after him and said we should meet up the next day and he said yeah we should and looked straight in to my eyes and I knew everything was going to be ok. I woke up feeling light and happy and I realise now its because I woke up in love. I didn’t really think about why I felt so happy until I was driving to work and remembered that it had just been a dream and I was crushed. I honestly felt the loss of that dream with my whole heart.
I always miss him. In the back of my mind I’m aware of that but I don’t really think about it. This dream though, was so sharp and vivid, it was like a mental kick and everything I crush down every day just came straight to the surface. Sometimes I think my mind hates me; sometimes I feel like I’m serving a punishment that will never end.
Most of the time I can crush all this down, forget its there, forget everything. Not always though. When its at its worst, when I slip up and forget to cover the cracks, I’m aware of a continuous muffled screaming. At first I don’t know what it is, I’m confused until I remember. Its me. Its that part of me thats bound to him and shes screaming for him to save her. She doesn’t really believe hes gone, that hes never coming back. She knows they are forever and she won’t stop screaming until he comes back. Shes loyal to him, she will never give up on him. It breaks my heart because I know the truth, I know he is not coming back, I know his forever was bullshit but its like nothing will get that through to her. It sucks and is such shit that she is really me, she is really that stupid hopeful part of me that will never give up.
And then there will be that magical lull where I have forgotten. It can be for an hour or a day or a few days of bliss where I just don’t care. Writing about it helps to, its like I can get it all out and feel peaceful for a bit. I just wish my heart didn’t still feel him, like he is actually here with me. That would be nice
You still own not only my heart but my soul. You still dominate my thoughts, my dreams and I get the feeling that I will always love you. Even when something funny happens I still turn as if to tell you, let you in on the joke, laugh about it with you. I hope that one day it will fade enough for me to have a future with someone else. I’m still so angry as well though and I think its because you had my trust. You were the first person I really trusted, the first person I gave myself completely to, the first person I knew in my heart of hearts would never hurt me and then you did and I am so angry that I put myself in that position. I don’t know if I ever will again.
God, it really really hurts still. I don’t know why I’m thinking about it more recently, I don’t know why I’m still letting it affect me. I still love you and I hate myself for it. I hate you for it because only you can make it better! So where are you?
Where the fuck are you?
This just makes me think of the bbq and how it turned in to a massive sort of bonfire cause everyone was freezing. Aha, is it done yet, is it done yet, NO GO AWAY YOU VULTURES! Jokes. loverr and loverr’s lover came down which was awesome, everyone just got so fucked. And then the epic failed attempt at trying to take this piss out of this song aha, gaaaaaash. Funny how appropriate the song is now.
Day 6 of being on anti depressants and so far don’t really notice any difference except a bit of a dodgy stomache and feeling like I want to burst in to tears every 10 minutes. Like I said, no difference. I’ve been told it can take up to 2 weeks for them to kick in properly though so I am going to keep going. I have to phone my GP on monday to let her know how its going and hopefully she will be able to give me the generic assessment appointment. Feeling pretty much the same about everything, trying my hardest not to show it though and not to act like it, trying to make jokes and keep it light when really inside I feel….nothing. I feel empty and dark, like inside of me in this black hole that is swirling around, sucking everything about me and anything good in to it. Its a catch-22 really; I am lost in a void that is me. But I am forcing myself to go out, to see people, to at least go to the uni library and do some work. I am trying to take some sort of control back, a bit at a time and for that I’m proud. I even bought a Times paper today in an attempt to start caring about what’s going on in the world again!
Really tired today. Am trying to not have a nap or anything though so that maybe I’ll sleep tonight? Not to sure how many more nights of falling asleep about 4/5am and getting up at 8/9 I can handle! I wish that I had someone to cuddle me to sleep, I find it so much easier to drift off when someone else is with me, even when I’m staying over at moo’s and she’s on one sofa and I’m on the other, I actually fall asleep so quickly and stay asleep. I guess it’s cause I feel…safer? I’m so used to taking care of myself but falling asleep in someone’s arms was the one time that I would fully let down my guard and trust the other person to protect me I guess. I’m pretty sure this sleeping thing stems from ex mr chop leaving me cause I haven’t slept properly since then; from heartbreak to loneliness to depression. 3 easy steps to insomnia aha.
Tired now and time for some come dine with me, wooop!
Had one of those dreams last night that felt so real I woke up this morning convinced it had happened. Which is shit cause now I’m just feeling the full effect of how much I miss ex mr chop and so I get to spend today forcing it all back down again. Wicked. I just wish I could talk to him, the him he was before. I really do hope he doesn’t go without saying goodbye.
Was going through my files (keep getting a scary ‘your mac is full’ message) and of course got to the picture files. I think I’ve looked at the Alaska pictures twice cause I just can’t look at them and not be confused. They don’t look like forced happiness but I suppose they are and thats just something I can’t handle. But decided to look today, I feel like I’ve come a long way since he left and so thought it would be ok. It was and it wasn’t. They reinforced me missing him by a lot which was hard. But I could also laugh at them as well, him playing with lil sis, posing behind dad when fishing, kfc, bbq-ing a shit load of chicken (I wish he could have seen me bbq chicken, he’d have been proud!), catching the biggest damn fish in the lake, dads amazing boat driving skills ahahahahahahahaha that was jokes, moose antler toilet rolls holder, posing next to stuffed bears and moose. I wish we’d have gone on the glacier cruise, now those would have been some immense pictures. Well at least I know my happiness was genuine, I suppose thats what matters.
Things seem to be really complicated right now. TV guy has really pushed me too far too fast and he wants so much more from me than I wanted to give, especially as were not even in a relationship and he’s acting as if we are and being really intense about it even though I didn’t even think we were meshing particularly well anyway. And now I feel really bad and just want to talk to him face to face and really try and get it through to him that I don’t want to be part of anything serious and that I don’t think us is what he wants. Last night he rang me but I really wasn’t in the mood to talk to him, texted him that, said I would talk to him tomorrow and instead of listening to me he kept ringing and texting ‘I don’t want you to end this’. I told him again, I will call you tomorrow because I think we should talk cause I think we want different things. Ok I understand he said. And then today instead of just chilling out and waiting for me to ring he texts me asking me to go round his (which for me means going to bournemouth) tonight. Which just pisses me off even more, I feel like he’s just not listening to me!! I keep telling him what I want and to just let me in my own time get in touch with him and instead he keeps pushing me in to a corner, I’m feeling so trapped! I know I should just be like ok this is over but I feel so guilty! I don’t want to hurt his feelings or anything, I really didn’t realise he liked me that much already but jeez it feels so fast and I KNEW that this was going to happen after the whole thing that happened but I actually thought it would be me being overly clingy with him. I just don’t know what to say to him and he keeps pushing and pushing but I need to sort it and soon cause he’s Lezzer’s friend and coursemate, I don’t want things to get blerg between everyone.
Then there is the fucked up ex ex thing whilst still missing ex mr chopper.
Had the dream again for the first time in a few weeks. Always the same. With ex mr chopper and he tells me he hasn’t stopped thinking about me, still loves me, wants me back. Holds my face in his hands and kisses me and I feel safe again. Its always so vivid and so tangible, I always wake up and for a few very brief seconds all is right in my world and I’m happy. But then reality sets in and I remember it was just a dream. After having the dream I always feel like I can feel him more.
I haven’t had that dream in a while. I think maybe I’m sad that this is the first christmas in a long time that I don’t have a boyfriend. This year I really am the family failure, can’t even be proud of being the only one that is holding down a relationship. I think he was also triggered in my head cause this guy came in to work at the last minute last night and was wearing mr ex chopper’s aftershave. Smell always triggers memories for me and I ended up sort of following this poor guy around for a bit.
Fuck my life
Drinks with loverrr tonight! wooooooooooooooooop!
I know I know I know I deserve it. But I miss him, the ex ex. So much. I tried, I failed. Again. Again, again. Back to fantasising, back to real life, back to feeling sad.
Moan moan, I realise thats all I do. I am grateful for some things in my life, I’m grateful for my friends, I’m grateful for my supportive mum, I’m grateful that I still haven’t really given up on finding love and happiness.
I just wish I could have had the hindsight to avoid where I am now!
Ever thine, Ever mine, Ever ours