Exclusive but without labels. So….isn’t that a label? I’m actually fine to not be all ohhhh lets be boyfriend/girlfriend, it takes a lot of pressure off. Still, mexican man and myself, since last night, decided to be exclusive to each other. Which is nice. I’m actually really happy, I really like him, I really like being around him, I really like being naked with him (literally has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen, especially since it decided to start behaving. After the luck I’ve had with American todgers, I feel like this is a gift sent from on high). I can’t wait to get him in bed while everyone is away and ruin him :D.
So obviously had to let go of duff. I like him but not in the same way as mexican man. We just aren’t on the same wave length at all and to be honest, me and mexican man have a really similar schedule and when we get busy with work and shiz, we both totally understand whereas I feel like I keep letting duff down cause he wants to hang out and do all these things but I just honestly don’t have the time. And he does not have a beautiful willy like mexican man. Who I might just start referring to as faux-bf.
Faux-bf. I really like him. He makes me feel all tiny and cute and sexy at the same time. He makes me smile and hes so fucking considerate and holy shit, I am so fucking horny for him!! I’m actually happy. Like, really honest to God happy. I only have a few concerns and I think that was inevitable, look at my history with guys! I feel safe with faux-bf cause I don’t believe that he would ever hurt me or fuck me over. Except that is exactly what I thought with ex mr chop and look what happened there! Maybe feeling safe isn’t a good thing. I’m worried I could maybe possibly potentially fall for this guy and while I do really like him, I really don’t want to have my happiness depend on a guy ever again, I don’t want to feel jealous, I don’t want to miss him and be sad, I don’t want to start being all psycho girl. Possibly being aware of these things I don’t want might mean that I won’t let it happen?
It feels weird to have actually let go of ex mr chop. I spent sooo much time being sad about him and hanging on to the thought of what we were and now we are actually being able to be friends and not get all snarky and emotional at each other. There will always be a part of me that he will have. He was the most sincere love I’ve ever experienced, even if he didn’t feel the same way, he is not someone I will ever forget. But it doesn’t hurt anymore, it doesn’t feel awful to think about him or have him pop up every so often. I’m excited and glad to have my friend back! It makes me happy that I can give this thing with mexican man a real chance and not be all hung up on ex mr chop. I still think that there is a part of me that is still closed off and it’s going to take a lot to unfreeze that little last bit of hurt, but at least now I think that its do-able.
You told me that we had to be blocked from each other cause otherwise we would just keep messaging each other etc. You held strong for a while so why all of a sudden unblock me? Why make it obvious you have a girlfriend (so much for still thinking about me and not having a girlfriend since me etcbullshitetc) and then the same day, get rid of the evidence again? I’m probably reading waaay too much in to this to be honest. Maybe it means that he’s over it now and over me and having me blocked was pointless cause having me unblocked doesn’t make a difference to him. What ever the case may be, the second I realised he had made us visible to each other again, I blocked him.
I’m actually proud of myself. Usually I will block him for about a day and then unblock him and then the whole thing starts again, I do slight stalkage and then he will send a little message and then we get talking and then we end up in a bad place again. I guess either I’m growing up or I’m for a change putting my money where my mouth is and trying to move on. Its kind of sad that I can’t have him in my life at all, not even a small tiny part because it is way too painful and just makes me still hold on to the hope that maybe, somehow, some day, we will make it back to each other. It is this hope that keeps my feelings for him going and this hope that kills a part of me so I guess that this is what I’m now actively trying to get rid of. I seriously do not want to let this go though and this is where the problems all stem from. Its harder to let go of something that you just want to cling tightly to. But loving a man who doesn’t love me back is not the life I want for myself. I don’t want to be like my mum and dad, I want to move on and be happy and to look back one day and think yeah, we had good and bad times and that’s all there is to it.
It is honestly taking every piece of will power I have to not unblock him. My insides are hurting, my heart is aching, my head is heavy but I am still holding strong.
ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod WHAT AM I DOING??? I’m letting myself have feelings for someone else?? Really?? An American of all people?? A fucking soldier of all people!
Last time I attempted something with someone new was tv guy and that turned in to the most epic of all epic fails. I literally could not bare to be around him in the end and the one time I somehow found myself having sex with him, I totally freaked!! I literally ran away and had to be calmed down by moo. If that happens here with him, what the fuck am I going to do?? There’s no moo, there’s no person to run to, there’s no one to stop me crying. If it turns out like last time I swear I’m going to give up all together. And what if I’m just a conquest? Someone finally lays the British girl? I mean, I think if its just about that then hes going through a lot of effort, we have been talking every single day and making plans for the summer and hes trying to sort his leave around when best to see me. So it can’t just be about the sex thing, right?
And then there’s the other awful thing. What if I do really like him. What if we do really get on and have real feelings for each other. I haven’t had real feelings for anyone since ex mr chop, I haven’t wanted to. It will mean really letting go and not having in him my heart anymore. Its so sad. So very sad babe that sometimes I don’t know how to handle it still.
I’m excited and scared shitless. I don’t know what to do
I need to say goodbye and I don’t know how. I really don’t know how to let go, how do you control emotion?
I want to tell you, never forget. Never forget how wonderful being in love can be, don’t hide from it and don’t ever throw it away again. I don’t think you ever realised what I felt for you. I really truly loved you. I would have done anything for you and I would never have hurt you no matter how worried you were that I would. I couldn’t have hurt you because I was so in love with you that you were a part of me and it would have been like hurting myself. And I wouldn’t have jeopardised us for anything, even with all the bullshit with the drummer, after all the times I wondered why he could still bother me and what that meant, I was never looking back, I was never wanting to be with him again. I could have, I could easily have gone back to him, he would have taken me back in a heart beat. My problem with him was I felt bad for the way I very immaturely and selfishly ended things with him and not only ended it in that way but fell for and got together with my soulmate a day later. People I trusted and loved told me I should feel bad and you know me, you know I’m a good person at heart in the way that I can’t give up on people (old housemates ring a bell?). Thats why every so often I needed to talk about it with one of my girls, not because I still loved him.
I wish you could know this, but whats the point now?