Rough Few Days

I’m still really enjoying my job and everything, I’m just finding that it’s a lot more draggy when I’m not working with the core group I get on the best with. Still, every day I’m meeting someone new that I get on with and seeing people that I’ve built a really nice rapport with. I just miss moo so much, I miss having my person who I can ring and hang out with and seriously talk to when ever I want. Its hard to be away from my best friend.

I am so angry and its pathetic why. I’m angry that ex mr chop got a 2:1. I wanted his karma to be for him to fail and from the standard of work he gave in I sort of thought he would and it would teach him a lesson and maybe his mammoth ego would take a little knock so he would learn that hes not amazing and perfect and totally awesome and actually develop a sense of humility. Plus I wanted to be like see! Without me you failed but with me you would have achieved so much. But it looks like he can achieve without me. Then I see the very casual ‘love you’ he was sent. There is the serious ‘I love you’, there is the friendly ‘luv u mate’ and there is the casual often said ‘love you’ between partners. This feels like a casual often said ‘love you’. And if it is more, if it is really a casual often said….then I won’t just be angry that he didn’t need me, I will be angry that I still care when I truly don’t exist for him anymore. I will be angry that the person who said he didn’t want to be in a relationship until he was much much older is back in love and I can not fathom being with someone because I am so afraid that it will just hurt me again. I will be angry that I wasn’t enough for a little shit like him.

Oh and so much for thinking that the ex ex might actually miss me; I emailed him ages ago and nothing, I’ve already stopped existing to him just because I’m not there to screw anymore.

I am starting to get this mad crush on this guy here in Alaska and its nice to know that I can still spark with someone but at the same time I wish I didn’t have this crush because its never going to go anywhere and hes going to be leaving back to university in a month or so anyway so whats the point? I don’t want to have feelings for someone who is just going to be gone. Its nice to have a fantasy and a cheeky flirt though

Poem: The Child Within

There is nothing more free than the soul of a child,

Nothing more joyous than the songs that they sing,

Nothing more innocent as when they smile

And nothing more gentle than their slumbering dreams.

The child within holds the key to your happiness;

The child within holds the key to your heart.

Trust in the child and the love in their eyes;

And take their hand so they can lead you astray.

Feeling More And More Like Myself

I was at work yesterday, my fifth AM shift in a row for this week, it was near the end of my shift and I realised that I’m happy. I really like my job, I really like the people I work with, I really like interacting with all the different guests and I feel like I’m getting me back, getting back that confidence and spark and it feels really really good. I always thought I was really shit at making conversation with people I didn’t know and I always thought that I was so shy when I first met people that I gave off a rather stilted impression but here I am, jumping right in, talking to anyone and everyone, making new friends all the time, finding people to banter with. I haven’t given off a bad first impression, I’ve managed to be this person people like! And it is really satisfying to be working, knowing that I’m making money and having fun doing it. I feel a LOT less stressed and a lot more comfortable with myself and its weird but truly amazing because I thought I was lost. I thought I had lost me forever and I wanted to die. I had given up on myself completely, I was so very tired. Its a really odd thing to start realising you are worth something and that life isn’t that dark and scary and I can do this. I can be a part of the real world and be accepted and not have to be afraid, that I can cope.

Its been a long time since I thought I could cope. And I haven’t even been taking my anti bitching pills for a month and a bit

Princess Tours, This Is Kathryn, How Can I Help…..

Soooooo since the grand arrival in Alaska this is what I have been up to.

After getting in at 1am on Saturday 26th I went to bed at 4am and was woken up by a very excited 2yrold shouting ‘tayteee tayteeee’. Managed to not nap at all that day and so avoided massive jet lag issues. On the Monday I went in to talk with potential Boss Lady who was more than happy to offer me the job as a HAP Guest Services Host, where I was then offered my first shift beginning at 5am till 2pm the very next day. I then worked Tuesday till Thursday on the same shift and had my weekend on the Friday and Saturday. Slept all of Friday and went to the Girdwood Festival on Saturday (was fun, full of hippies; total Woodstock revival). Then worked Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, am working tomorrow and then have Friday and Saturday off again.

AM SHATTERED!!!! A freaking 5am start means getting up at 3am so I have enough time to get ready, have breakfast and be out the door by half4.

Have met some wicked people, got ask out on a date on my second shift, think one of the guys there is really cute (older than me so hopefully not a scared child), the work has its dull points but its fun, its easy, there’s a great little cafe across the road which does pancakes and french toast (I got a free coffee today courtesy of being a regular customer).

I miss moo more than I could ever describe. I really wish she was here, I miss talking to her soooo much.

Miss the ex ex as well x x x x x x x x x x x x x