Dean’s List

Officially made it. This doesn’t mean anything other than I have a good GPA for the term but it means something to me. It means that the goal I set for myself to get on Dean’s List and prove myself academically and show that I have changed, I managed to achieve. For once, I achieved. Proud self right here.

I can always tell when I’m happy or more settled because time between posts becomes longer. I’ve finished my first semester, I’m back at HAP, the summer stretches before me, I’ve re-applied for financial aid, I’ve chosen fall’s classes, I have one last chance to pass 054 Pre-Algebra over the summer (thank you maths teach), I’m doing better at home, I’m happy with the boyf. I still desperately miss moo and England but there isn’t much I can do about that.

The boyf. I keep judging him against ex mr chop and he keeps proving me wrong and making my head spin! I’ve been worried about dating another guy in his earlyish 20’s, like ex mr chop, who isn’t ready for a relationship, isn’t willing to work at it and make something with another person. I’ve been worried he doesn’t really want the responsibility that comes with being with someone. I worry he’s going to make me need him and then run away. Except he isn’t ex mr chop. And I need to remember that. Its not just that he seems to know what I’m thinking and says the right words, he actually acts on them. He knows that relationships take work and that a successful relationship takes communication and learning. He doesn’t see a problem and run away or ignore it, he faces it because he wants to fix it and makes me face it. He is already making me a better person by making me stronger, not just within us but in my head. He makes me believe in others again. He makes me believe in him and us. I think I’m making him a better person too by giving him someone who gives him confidence in himself, something I think he was really missing. We are not perfect, individually or together, but we both know that, we both accept that and we both (with him definitely leading the way) want to work at it, are willing to work at it. He accepts me for me, with all my flaws and doubts and fears. He doesn’t just accept them, he wants to help me with them, he believes I am someone who can be saved and am worth saving. Its so fucking corny and so fucking true.

I am going to miss him a lot over the summer but I’m surprisingly not sad. I think its because I might just believe in us and I know that no matter what, he is going to miss me a lot as well. My boyf is pretty damn awesome

Drama Queen

I do realise I am a big drama queen but after that massive huge screamed at thing I did literally just want to crawl into a ball and fade away. Instead I thought about what had been said, I really took a good look in to myself and decided to not be angry and sad at the world and instead accept responsibility for myself and although the way it came about was totally unjustified and how I was talked to was inappropriate and some things were not really true, the things I know I have done and the behaviour I know I have committed I decided to apologise for and actually try harder to change. So since that day things have been a lot better and it has been acknowledged that I am actually trying. Which is nice.

Had a really good week at work this week, hung out with Julia-Stiles a lot which makes any work day go a lot faster and weve hung out a lot more after work as well. Its nice to have a real friend over here, she even said today that I’m more than welcome to visit her at school. Had a lot of doc appointments and it actually seems like I’m getting somewhere for a change.

Drag show time!

My Conclusions

Heres the thing. I’m not a one night stand girl. I’m not a go out to the club and pull girl. I don’t like being talked to like I’m a slag, I don’t like being treated as a used sex object. However, for the past few months and for many many more on the horizon I am not a relationship girl either. I am not ready for a relationship, I am not responsible enough for a relationship and I am not willing to let myself be part of something that can hurt me as much as a relationship can.

I am a romantic girl, a girl who can be seduced by small things like hand holding, laughter and friendship. I am a girl who likes to be treated with a bit of respect instead of pressure (TV guy, seriously he can go fuck himself, I will never make the mistake I made with him again).

What I am experiencing now is a sort of pseudo (pretend) boyfriend type. Hanging out, having a laugh, good conversations, being silly, seeing movies and a little more. Basically all the fun of a relationship without the hassles, commitment, arguements, boredom or responsibilities. Sometimes a little romance is thrown in (hand holding in the cinema, boot forts, spontaneous hill climbing) and thats a good thing because it makes me feel like its not just about the sex, its about spending time with me and I really do enjoy his company as well. So if once a week I get to hang out, have a laugh, spend time in his company and have a little intimacy, that is something that suits me just fine.

I didn’t really realise exactly how much I don’t want a full on relationship until he said to me that he didn’t want what were doing to stop me from finding something permanent with someone and the second he said that I swear my blood actually ran cold and that little voice started screaming no inside my head. No to losing myself to someone again, no to trying my goddamn best and having it thrown back at me again, no to putting my trust into someone only for it to be ruined again, no to loving someone who doesn’t deserve it again. It has taken 7 months to put myself back together again since ex mr chop which was made harder by him still chipping away at me so I am not going to be putting myself in the war zone again for a long long time, if ever. And to be honest I’ve been in a relationship since I was 15! I need to know who I am and have fun and live for a while.

Anyway.

I had a great time tonight and for a change I’m not feeling sad cause were not in a relationship, I’m not wishing that we were, I am just happy that I had a good night

Pink

Just watching coverage of the Pink Funhouse tour I saw with ex mr chopper, his bro, Asbo and Joey.

Such good times. Fact.

Pink is well fit as well, I would!! Was so excited to go see her, I remember getting a random text while at work from ex mr chopper saying he’d gotten tickets, went screaming all the way from the staff room to the shop floor. And then actually being there, was so happy to be there with ex mr chopper and felt so in love. Was so amazingly happy that he did that for me, that he felt I was worth it, worth the surprise, worth the experience.

Kind of painful to listen to that album now though, ‘Time makes it harder, I wish I could remember, That last kiss, I cherish, Until we meet again, My Darling, What happened, Who knew’.