Poem: Anger

I am addicted to my anger, to the bitter taste of it in my mouth.

I am addicted to my anger, to the warmth it brings to me.

I am addicted to my anger, I feed from it, it is a part of me,

a blackness in my soul, a never ending well full of twisted shapes and broken promises.

I can see my  anger leaking from my eyes, hear it on my breath,

My anger takes the shape of your name and I scream

Really Girls?

I do enjoy going on to the cosmopolitan website and perusing the chat forums when today I came across a topic asking who is more important to you, your friends or your other half. I clicked on expecting a swarm of responses praising friends and how men come and go but friends stick it out with you for life and was really surprised that not one response was like that at all, everyone said how their friends were important but other halves were their best friends and thats who they would pick.

Really???

Obviously there will be friends in your life that you grow apart from and that will not always be around but what about those friends who you call in any situation? Can talk to for any amount of time and not be bored? Who you know you can count on always? I’ve known my loverr since primary school and I would never ever ever choose a guy over her. I’ve only known moo for about two years, just under, and I would NEVER choose a guy over her! I think it all depends on the type of friendships you have with certain people. I know that my girls are my family and without them I would be a lonely lost thing. Without their love and support and unconditional acceptance I would have nothing. Other halves can indeed become close and even I have called each one my best friend but when that split happens, who are the ones still standing around you, holding your hand, wiping away your tears and brining you back to life?? Your friends!!

I think its ridiculous to even suggest that an other half is more important than the people who make you, you. I would always trust my friends with my happiness and life, I could never say the same thing about a guy and it makes me sad that these seemingly smart women have given so much of themselves away like that and rely on their happiness coming from one other person. Maybe its this attitude that makes the men folk freak out so much and do stupid things

Cunt

Brian is a fucking cunt. Posting about how much he changed in bad way because of being with me and how it was ok being with me but he lost soooo many mates by spending time with me.

FUCK OFF YOU LYING FUCKING ASSHOLE CUNT!

Changed? Thats funny cause I still have a little ‘love letter’ from him saying how he was able to be the person he could never show anyone. Posts saying how in love he was with me and how happy he was and how he fell in love with his best friend and it was amazing.

Fucking Liar.

And all this shit about losing mates cause of the time he spent with me is such utter BOLLOCKS! I NEVER stopped him from seeing people, I fucking encouraged it!! And so many people have said to me since the split thats hes a shit friend, always has been cause he just can never be fucked to make any effort. The amount of times I said why don’t you go hang out with so and so or invite so and so out or to the house or to parties.

It makes me really sick that he had the fucking balls to post such utter trash.

Fuck you Brian. I’m sorry that being in a relationship means having to think of someone apart from yourself. I’m sorry that it means being in a partnership. I’m sorry that life can be hard and not always sunshine and fairies. But fuck you for being a lying dickhead cuntbag.

There was so much that was amazing between us, I’m so upset that hes now ruined the good memories I had, especially through such lying bullshit!!!!

I really do have such hate for him now, he ruined everything that made us great, blamed me for shit that wasn’t my fault, shit that wasn’t even true, made out it was so horrible being with me when it was only the last month that was a bit rough. He was the untrusting shit, he thinks he was so fucking easy to be with, thinks he was (is) mr perfect. Fuck off, grow the fuck up you peter pan wannabe. Fuck you for throwing all the great times back in my face. Fuck you for being such an arrogant asshole. Fuck you for managing to hurt me again.

Fuck you

Christmas

So here comes the end of my first christmas since I was 15 where I’ve been single. To be honest, it hasn’t really hit me till right now, after hearing what presents friends got from boyfriends, stories of christmas lovin’. I mean, it wasn’t horrible, it was nice to not have to worry about presents for the boyf, running about spending time with my family and then his or missing him and spending all day feeling like I was going stir crazy cause I wanted to see him. It felt like there was less pressure on the day which actually meant not one single family blow up for a change.

I got a nice haul this year, perfume, dress, twilight shirt (funnily enough I got mum an edward mug and she got me a team jacob shirt aha), cosmo subscription, skull candy headphones (thank god, mine were so busted), animal print bag. Good times!

I did miss waking up beside the guy I’m in love with on christmas morning. I missed watching bad christmas films, cuddling up. I missed him. It is nice to have a partner at christmas.

But even nicer to be single for new years =D

FML

Had the dream again for the first time in a few weeks. Always the same. With ex mr chopper and he tells me he hasn’t stopped thinking about me, still loves me, wants me back. Holds my face in his hands and kisses me and I feel safe again. Its always so vivid and so tangible, I always wake up and for a few very brief seconds all is right in my world and I’m happy. But then reality sets in and I remember it was just a dream. After having the dream I always feel like I can feel him more.

I haven’t had that dream in a while. I think maybe I’m sad that this is the first christmas in a long time that I don’t have a boyfriend. This year I really am the family failure, can’t even be proud of being the only one that is holding down a relationship. I think he was also triggered in my head cause this guy came in to work at the last minute last night and was wearing mr ex chopper’s aftershave. Smell always triggers memories for me and I ended up sort of following this poor guy around for a bit.

Fuck my life

Drinks with loverrr tonight! wooooooooooooooooop!

Pink

Just watching coverage of the Pink Funhouse tour I saw with ex mr chopper, his bro, Asbo and Joey.

Such good times. Fact.

Pink is well fit as well, I would!! Was so excited to go see her, I remember getting a random text while at work from ex mr chopper saying he’d gotten tickets, went screaming all the way from the staff room to the shop floor. And then actually being there, was so happy to be there with ex mr chopper and felt so in love. Was so amazingly happy that he did that for me, that he felt I was worth it, worth the surprise, worth the experience.

Kind of painful to listen to that album now though, ‘Time makes it harder, I wish I could remember, That last kiss, I cherish, Until we meet again, My Darling, What happened, Who knew’.

Excitement

Woooooooooooooooooo seeing my loverr christmas eve! Ahhhhhh thats tomoroooow! And then just got to get through christmas, finish up at work and then new years eve with my moo twin in bomooooooo! I’ve decided to stay there for a few days, totally going to have a little trek down to the beach, watch the waves. I might suggest a little beach drinkage actually, wrap up warm and take some hot mulled wine or something OMG genius plan! Be nice to have a few days away after the recent days I’ve been having.

I was thinking about spending new years in Southampton but I really want to see it in with my moo who is working in Bournemouth the next day plus, I know that mr ex chopper is in Southampton for nye and Would probably be where I was going to go and I so do not need to see him and then see him pulling someone at midnight. Nooo thank you! Which is going to upset Asbo buuut I’m hoping she’ll understand, especially as made bomo plans waaay before saying would think about Southampton. Hopefully Joey will come out to bomo as well, that would be fun. All I know is, I better end up getting with some fitty at midnight!! I’ve never had an amazing nye before but I’ve had interesting ones. I’m hoping this one will just be a lot of fun and drama free.

I’ve deleted his number, the ex ex, and any texts so I can’t get in touch anymore. I’m swapping one heart ache for another and I’m tired of adding shit to my life that means something to me and nothing to him. So to avoid temptation, his number has gone the same way as ex mr chopper’s. New year, new start, new me, new life. Thats all I’m after

Deserve It

I know I know I know I deserve it. But I miss him, the ex ex. So much. I tried, I failed. Again. Again, again. Back to fantasising, back to real life, back to feeling sad.

Moan moan, I realise thats all I do. I am grateful for some things in my life, I’m grateful for my friends, I’m grateful for my supportive mum, I’m grateful that I still haven’t really given up on finding love and happiness.

I just wish I could have had the hindsight to avoid where I am now!

Ever thine, Ever mine, Ever ours

Back In The Day

I was reading through the main diary I kept while I was with Jay, the transition from Aaron to Jay and from the very beginning we were doomed. From the very beginning I said I didn’t think I could trust Jay, from the very beginning I said that I didn’t think I was over Aaron or that I could honestly let myself fall for Jay. And then as time went on I truly fell in love. And He loved me but I didn’t trust that, I didn’t believe in that but it was so obvious. Time and time again I said I wanted a life with Jay, a family with him. I remember one day I was sat with Kirstin down at the beach and we were laying on the sand looking at the stars and I said how we were two halves that fitted together perfectly and how much I loved him. And then Meg, Lizzy, Sara, Marie, the shit with Aaron. I needed things emotionally that Jay was just too immature to understand and then I let my distrust overrule my head and heart.

I know I’ve changed a lot in the past year. I wonder if he has as well.

I know we ended for a reason. I gave up. I couldn’t hold out anymore for the support, the show of love, the intimacy. And that hasn’t changed. I still need a partner, someone who can take the good and the bad with me, someone who is strong enough to keep us working as well as working alongside life. This was the problem with Brian as well, he’s a young guy who doesn’t want that responsibility. I’ve been ready for that for a while now though. I’m tired of only looking out for the well being of the other person, I want to be looked after at the same time. Not someone to pay my way, just someone who I can rely on. I really thought Brian was that person and he was amazing with the small things, but anything bigger was just too much for him.

There is good and bad in life, there is the easy stuff and the hard stuff. You can’t have one or the other, it doesn’t work like that, you get both and you have to deal with both. I’m tired of boys who can only go along with the good things. I need a man who help me shoulder the shit as well.

People think I don’t open up. Thats not really true. I don’t open up or share with people weaker than myself. I couldn’t open up to Brian because I could just tell that it would be too much. I didn’t want to push Jo over the edge, I didn’t want to add to Charlotte’s plate, I didn’t want to make mum feel like she failed. Ria and Maz are the only ones I can be truly honest with cause they have told me and shown me that they can not only handle it but will always support me no matter what.

Next time I will give love a chance. Next time I will try my hardest to believe in it. I hope I’ll still be able to recognise it when it comes back around though.