Oh. Oh No

I haven’t been struck by lightening since ex mr chop. Not only did I get struck by lightening today, I felt something come back alive in me that has been cold and buried for a really long time. That sensation of falling down a rabbit hole and inviting it? I haven’t wanted that in such a long long time and today I’m just going with it.

And I shall name him the music man. Haha, which is actually really perfect. He is just soooo easy to talk to! No odd silences because there was just soo much to talk about and he can just chat and chat and he’s so lovely to listen to. We have so much in common and he is pretty much everything that I know I need and want in someone. He has the humour and the banter, the same interests but will inspire me to grow. He has the charm without the smarm, he has the smile and the smarts, the sarcasm, fun. He is someone who I know would look after me but wouldn’t make me lose myself. Hes been through life, been through intense life situations, is an older sibling, knows what he wants, knows who he is. Hes the adult I’ve been looking for who isn’t completely there yet, hes still growing and so I can grow with him :). He is so sweet and lovely!! With him I feel that…spark. I haven’t felt that spark since the ex chop, I didn’t think I would feel the spark again!

I know it is really early days and who knows what the future is going to be like or if we will even make each other happy. Who knows if we are both honest about our intentions. Only giving it a chance will let me know though and even though I am terrified of what could happen and so scared of what I am feeling, I forgot how alive clicking with someone can make me feel, how hopeful and excited and amazed at how things can just happen. If I hadn’t taken a chance on him, if we hadn’t taken a chance on each other, than this would never have happened! Which is weird to think about, why him, why now? Am I ready? Am I worth it? I know I have a lot more to offer nowadays, I’m much less of a mess than I was. Already we’ve both broken boundaries with each other that we hide behind.

I can not wait to see how this one pans out!

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Window To The Soul

The saying goes that the eyes are the window to the soul. I personally think that’s a bunch of bollocks, mass consumption of alcoholic beverages are the eyes to the soul. Think about it, in all relationships when you go out drinking with your partner, you are one of three types of couple. There is the new couple who haven’t been together very long, tend to be all over each other and drunkenly get in to the ‘you’re so wonderful, no you’re so wonderful’ type of conversation. The next type are those who have been together a while and have, at that moment in time, no issues or unresolved arguments and so are able to function as normal members of society. Then there is lovely couple number three who start off ok, then argue about something small and then culminate in to the girlfriend crying in the corner and  the guy…well generally he’s just confused.

Boyf and I are luckily in the first category at the moment (as opposed to the third stage which, having done that A LOT already, I am more than happy to stay away from). Except that he was drunk off his tits and I was sober, which was fine cause it means I had enough wits about me to ask the questions that I haven’t yet and get him to open up to me in a way he hasn’t yet. This would probably be called manipulation by some and by some I mean guys.

I have been worried a lot about the future and this is partly due to how I was screwed over before in the past and partly because I am a long term thinker who likes to be prepared. Knowing boyf goes away really soon makes my stomach clench and I’ve been thinking a lot about it and what is going to happen between us, am I going to hear from him, is he going to miss me, does he want us to break up before he leaves, is this thing with me and him not as real as I think it to be cause in his head does he have an expiration date on us…the crazy goes on and on an on. So as is my habit, when he drunkenly said that I’m the only girl he thinks about, I automatically went uh huh, yeah right. He did not appreciate that at all and started a big ol’ drunk speech about how it’s true, how much I mean to him, how much he likes me, how he has never felt this way about a girl,  how amazing I am yadayada. Nice to hear but then he started talking about the summer and I did actually say to him a few times that I didn’t want to talk about that right then cause he was drunk and I would just have a hard time believing that he meant anything. Again, he didn’t seem to appreciate that and went for it anyway. Fine by me so I put it out there, the things I’ve been thinking about and he told me he didn’t want to break up and didn’t want to lose me, that the PDA stuff isn’t about being ashamed of me or anything and that he is trying, he just feels uncomfortable as if people are judging him or something, that he really likes having me around. He knows that I’m really nervous about having this relationship with him because of past shiz and seems like he really wants to show me that he’s not like that. He kept saying how he’s not going anywhere and would never intentionally hurt me. Which I shot down actually, I told him that generally people don’t intend to hurt other people but it happens and it can happen badly and that scares me.

I wonder if arch enemy had to counsel the ex ex through any of this stuff? Hmm.

I told him that he needs to meet me halfway with the PDA thing because it is important to me. I told him that he needs to worry less about having issues because we all fucking have them, it’s not just him. I told him that its a really big deal for me to be trying with him and that makes him special. That he never has to feel uncomfortable with me because I won’t ever judge him and its true, I’m not going to write him off when I am chock-a-block full of my own mound of issues. I said that I like just being with him and he seemed kind of surprised at that, I don’t think he thought that I like him just for him, that obviously yeah I do a bit but mainly for the sex I guess? Which made me kind of mad, look at how hard I work trying to spend time with him in situations where there is no way we could hook up. But then look at how I tend to have to flake on situations where he just wants me to hang out with him and his friends. Not because I don’t want to be there but generally family responsibilities. Like tonight, I feel so bad!! He got this game in and I way encouraged him to get people over to play and enough people to do teams, he did, it ended up being a couples night and I was actually looking forward to it but after all the drama dad is going through, it was more important for me to bail and spend some time with dad. He was totally understanding and I know that his family would come first for him, I just feel bad that once again his girlfriend is totally letting him down. Last night was this event his Engineering society was doing and he said that I should come but I had the kids and then I didn’t have the kids but I still hadn’t showered or anything so I said that I’d meet them at the bar and when I get there, every guy had his girlfriend who had shown up to the event in support and they were all dressed up in cocktail dresses and there I am, late and in jeans! (skinnies but still!). And then I bail on tonight?? Bad girlfriend. Ergh, guilt!! It was kind of awkward actually, everyone kept saying how next year I should come and what are our future plans, is he going to come to Seattle with me when I go to Law school, would he go to England with me. We were looking at each other like ummm we’ve been official for a few weeks, who the fuck knows?? Gah, people!

In the end it was a good night. I actually had his good friend that it’s not only nice to see him with someone but for him to be with someone as nice as me. It always helps to have friend approval!

When You Least Expect It…

When you aren’t looking, when you don’t think you even want it, some random guy walks in to your life, throws you a smile and suddenly you’re free falling. I feel like I’m free falling for this guy who I barely even know?? How is that possible? Again?!! I thought that I had learned my lesson, I thought that I knew not to do something like that. I legitimately thought I would never be capable of it. But here I am, can’t stop smiling when I think about him, can’t wait to see him again, can’t wait to get to know him more, can’t wait for that first kiss, can’t wait to reach the point where its all crazy insane, where I can go round to his and cook for him, when his smell is the smell that drives me crazy. We had our second date tonight, only our second date ever, and it was so fucking easy! So easy to talk to him and no awkwardness. Without even thinking about it, my whole body was turned in to his the whole night. And what a gentleman!! Got the tickets which yeah was nice (I got the movie foods) but when he saw me shivering in the theatre (coat and all) he gave me his coat and bundled me up in it!! He has this german shepard puppy who is so adorable anyway but the way he is with her makes him sooooo fucking adorable!! Mum would be proud :D. I dunno, I just know I really really like him. I want to take this slow, I don’t want to fuck this up. This is something that has every potential to be something real. He invited me to his company dinner party in feb. Catered, free booze, dressed up. Ahhhhhh ITS BRIDGET JONES!!! Aha.

This feels slightly unreal…..

Change

I am probably one of the worst people when it comes to dealing with change. I hate it, I hate change, I hate deviating from the normal routine and if I don’t have a routine, I’m a misery to be around and if I do have a routine and it changes, I freak. So, knowing this about myself, why do I feel the need to make loads of massive changes all at the same time?? I’m with a steady boyfriend of 4 years, I jump ship to another guy, risk losing an important friend. I decide to take said guy to meet American father, quit my job, go for an internship. I move back home. I move to another country on a whim. I jump from one job to the other until I land a full time position. I’m happily in that full time position, just starting to feel like I really know the job and then quit to start back at uni. No other job on the horizon yet. Seriously freaking out cause really don’t have much money and apparently to do well at university, one must spend about $500 on books. Change, change, change. I guess deep down I get really bored and feel the need to spice things up. A lot.

Also, guys. I swear to god, every time chick comes home she completely helps turn my shit upside down (love her for it). For one, I actually genuinely think I’ve reached the other side with ex mr chop. I honestly can say that thinking about him doesn’t make me feel sad or in love anymore. I don’t think I love him anymore. Instead of that warm feeling I would get thinking about him, now I just feel kind of…disinterested. I also feel like a bit of an idiot for how I carried on and on about missing him blah blah.

There is this guy. Bit of a history with him, met him last year, was supposed to go on this great date but I harshly bailed and then he had to go back to where he was based and he only just got back like a year later. I like him. I like him in the way that I have a little bit of butterfly action in my belly. I like him in the way that he is the first person since ex mr chop that I actually really want to sleep with. I can’t wait to hang out with him on saturday and go on a real date with him. I’m also scared. I might be coming out the other side of ex mr chop but I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with the bullshit that comes along with being with someone. That’s even if we get on or whatever.

Really, I just need to focus on school and work and making something of myself. I need to put me first from now on.

A shag would be nice though!

Fuckstick

After the whole ex mr chop thing I decided enough is bloody enough, I can’t take anymore being sad about him, not being able to have sex or even do umm myself without thinking about him and getting sad. I actually cry after orgasm, its fucking pathetic and its now going to stop! So now I have to suck it up and do it. There are two guys right now who want to take me on a date. Two. Both of them are really attractive and we’ve been texting and bachelor1 keeps sending me music links he thinks I would like and bachelor2 is realllllyyyyy attractive and from NY which is like my favourite place ever and came straight out with asking me to get a drink of some kind. And what is my reaction? Sheer terror. Terror! I want to say yes and make a date but I am so fucking scared I am actually trying to hide in myself.

FUCK IT I’M GOING TO GO FOR IT AND MEET BACHELOR2. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bear’s Tooth, Can I Take A Name And Number?

I have nearly worked a full week at bear’s tooth now and am feeling a hell of a lot better at it and about it. I pretty much know what I’m doing now, people seem to be a lot friendlier, I have a much better grasp of the job and it isn’t actually to bad. I LOVE being able to be in my jeans all day, I am grateful for the free diet cokes, the stools behind the desk to sit on and being with someone as new as me! At first I wasn’t to sure if Ms.REI and I would get on but she’s pretty cool and puts me in my place when I need it (like when I’m getting frustrated or annoyed that I don’t know something or am cocking up she tells me to chill so I do). I finally took my food handler test today and aced it which was nice. Now I just need to get my permit and TAM card. For so long I have sort of avoided the whole growing up thing and all of a sudden I’m having to and moving here was the fucking point! I needed to grow up, I needed an environment that would push me to finally get things done, not just with my health which I have been or with the whole depression thing but with life skills like making my own money and driving and being involved with life. For so long I avoided new people and situations to the point where I was to scared to do that. Since I’ve been here I’ve interviewed for jobs, worked two different jobs, made new friends, been to parties where I didn’t know people; basically pushing my limits every single day. And it hasn’t been as horrible as I thought it would be, instead I’ve found that people actually do like me and I can make conversation without feeling like a dick and being a mute. I’ve found a really good friend. I’ve got employment for the next tourism season. I’m happy. Of course things aren’t perfect but I think me expecting perfection all the time was what caused my downfall. I wouldn’t ask for help so things would get completely beyond my capabilities. I thought that if things couldn’t be perfect then there was no point in trying. I pushed everyone away so they wouldn’t see me fall and so I wouldn’t drag anyone down with me. I lost love. I lost me before I even realised who ‘me’ was which was the shitest part really. Being here, pushing myself, being single and not having anyone to rely on to pull me through, to hide behind is probably the best thing for me.

I’m not fully there yet. I’m not even halfway there but I am making the steps. And it feels good

Travels: Starting the Dream

I want to go traveling. I just want to up and away and go trekking around the globe but first I need to think of exactly where.

France: Paris, Italy: Rome, Amsterdam. Greece, China, India, Israel, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand, Maldives, Brazil, Mexico, Road trip across America, Canada and then end up living in New York.

Basically start going through Europe, then over to China, Australia, New Zealand, over to Brazil, up to Mexico, Across the states, Canada and then New York. Sort of thinking working as I go, picking up jobs that will get me to the next point, writing as I go and maybe making an amazing story that will become something in New York.

Thats the dream. So I guess better start figuring it out

Conversation Makes the World Go Round

Just had a massive chat with TV guy about all the issues and it was really really good, totally cleared the air. He’s going to ease off on the intenseness and pressure and I’m going to actually let myself give it a shot. I need to stop being such a drama queen, making issues where there aren’t any, making things more complicated than they need to be and just actually go with the flow and give life a chance.

And I need to let the ex ex go. I need to be the better person and walk away before the situation becomes any more messy. So thats what I am going to do

Carbonara and Quentin Tarantino

Had date number two last night, went over to TV guy’s house (nice house considering its all boys aha), opened up some wine, he cooked the best home made carbonara I have ever had (I’m actually gutted I didn’t eat more it was that good but I didn’t want to stuff myself and then have to try and feel all pretty for him!!), had some nice chats. He’s really easy to talk to, its nice to be able to make conversation even though I was pretty much shitting myself from nervousness. Had a little snoop through his itunes, was pretty impressed at all the ska/punk/rock/dub/DnB choices that were there. I make such judgments from people’s music tastes, I think its the after affect of being with the ex ex, music is really important to me and I think its really important to have similar tastes. I like when people like something different and bring it in to my life but I do think overall you need to share common interests.

Anyway.

So then moved on to the lounge to watch a film (Reservoir Dogs), had another snoop through his films (like music, need to have similar choices of films and again was pretty impressed, phew!). Had nice cuddles and smooches (freaked out a bit from face touching) and was nice that he took control of the whole first kisses situation cause I was cacking it and was not going to be able to make the first move!

The only truly horrifying moment of the night was when I went to the toilet and thought I had gotten myself locked in. Not only had I not locked myself in but just couldn’t open the door, I was in there for aaages trying to work it out and even rang moo and lezzer in an attempt to see if this had happened to them before and if they had any advice. I was so trying to get out of there before TV guy realised what a dick I was but he heard me and saved me by….opening the door. Yeah, I’m a douche.

Apart from that though, it seemed to go well and it was really nice to hang out.

I have actually crashed moo and lezzer’s house, I’ve now been here since…Wednesday? And it’s now Sunday. Aha, I am totally moving in. I’m trying to make myself as useful as possible though so people don’t get annoyed; doing dishes, tidying up, keeping my shit tidy, brought some groceries with me when first came down and will get some more in when money comes through (please dear God cause I am SKINT) tomorrow. I like being here so until someone actually tells me to get out I’ll stay =D mwahahahaha.

Finished one assignment, have extension for the other so going to focus on revision for exam in a weeks time. Feeling really chilled out and happy actually, love being around moochop and just really enjoying shiz right now. Good times :o)

The Morning After

So went on the date with TV guy yesterday, went for a bit of lunch (he paid?!) and then went to the movie (again, he got the tickets?!), then came back to moo’s and lezzer’s where there was a mini gathering, lots of food.

Met up at moo and lezzer’s, walked to the bus. No real awkward silences (good times). Got in to town and went to costa to grab a quick lunch and hot drink (he paid which was so sweet), more chats. Went to the cinema, he paid for the tickets (again, sweet and unexpected seeing as he paid for lunch!). I got in the popcorn and drink. Again, still no really awkward moments, easy time chatting. Film was good (Avatar). No cinema hand holding or anything, I think because we had a massive drink in between us in the holder thing. Got out the film and he went in for the cuddle while walking thing, one awkward pause where we had nothing to really say (argh!). Got back to the house after stopping at asda (card is officially dead until student loan on monday) where a mini gathering started. Didn’t really spend much time together during that, felt a bit weird to me, I didn’t know how to act cause were not together but we had just spent the day together on a date so its not as if were like strangers. Plus I had accidently made a statement of us sort of being together by having a bit of a cuddle in front of Kelly (who of course made a comment of aww how was the date RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM!!! AHHH!!).

And then the worst of the worst. When he went to leave we had the awkward moment in the hall where he set down his bag and I went in for a hug and then was going to maybe go in for a kiss but he went in for a kiss first so we had major miss-kiss and then he left and I actually nearly died from embarrassment! And I felt so bad cause I really was going to go in for a smooch (I think) and then it looked like I was just brushing him off.

Anyway.

Then today I got a text (well actually a phone call but missed it) asking me round his for dinner and a movie tomorrow night and he’s actually cooking my all time favorite meal; carbonara. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! There is totally going to be some smooching or something and were going to be all alone and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Do I want to, do I not want to, is this right, is this not right??? I’m pretty sure I like him I just really don’t want to not be ready and then fuck anything (anyone) up!

Ergh, I’ll just see how it goes, take is slow and easy, hope that hes not just wanting more than that or just wanting a shag cause I don’t want to be in the awkward position of having to say no and enforce it. Especially as its all black ice outside and I won’t be able to make an easy escape!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh the pressures of a budding….romance??