Where did the amazing funny kind sensitive guy I knew go? Who is this new selfish arrogant hurtful child? Every time you have made a slight effort I’ve put myself back out there to you cause I know how crushing it is to try and to have it thrown back in your face. But I can’t do it anymore, its too heartbreaking!!
Why is he doing this? Why after all the silence is it suddenly late night emails, texting and then a whole conversation that ended in broken promises? Really, whats the point??
I feel like I was really starting to get over all of it and now my head is just so full of old and new unanswered questions.
Right now obsessed with:
Mumford and Sons, Sigh No More: Whole album but best songs (in no particular order) = The Cave, White Blank Page, Little Lion Man, Timshel, Thistle and Weeds, Awake My Soul, Sigh No More.
Such an amazingly beautiful album, listen to it, buy it, own it!
Mmmm Zane Lowe good times at the old firestation tonight, he is quite the fitty.
Felt quite ill again though, the ol’ body is just not loving any sort of alcohol. Bad times! Sort of trying to ignore the warning signs but it is becoming more and more obvious that I am not a hugely healthy girl. Some test results would be nice!
Today was the dreaded and not meant to be one year anniversary and like any intelligent girl I knew that I was going to have to keep busy or I would be sat around feeling sorry for myself. So persuaded moo to come to sub focus/benga night at the old firestation for a night of awesome dubness and brain cloudyness.
Except after one whole single freaking drink I started feeling very rough, threw up in the toilet and had to go back to the house.
Ended up having really good chats with moo though which is probably what I needed more than anything so maybe not such an epic fail?
Texting me drunk at at 2am is not kosher. Messing with my head and putting me back to square one is just so wrong and mean! If you miss me then maybe admit it to yourself and get over it by yourself. Just like I had to.
Now all I really want is a fucking apology
As much as I try to deny, as much as I try and make out I’m this cold hearted bitch, I’ve had to come to the realisation that actually I’m no more than a common romantic at heart. I think love is the most amazing emotion a person can possess, I truly believe that love makes everything brighter, happier, better. To me the best kind of love is grounded in friendship, strength, understanding. I don’t believe in love at first sight but I do believe in the spark. The spark is that instant wow where you know something amazing is about to happen, something that is going to change your world and who you are. Its the spark that eventually turns in to love, not even just with partners but friends. All the best friends I have, when I met them I thought yeah, you are someone I need to have in my life. The two most important relationships I’ve had started with the spark, both times were such chance encounters and both times left my head spinning. Those were the relationships that really developed in to something (the second relationship more than the first because he became my best friend so I already loved him when we became involved).
Don’t let anyone tell you what you feel, only you know. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re too young, love is love and its damn real to you when you’re feeling it.
Met up with the aforementioned new guy, I’ll call him bob. Was fun to hang out with bob although seemed a little like he wasn’t really interested which in turn made me a little uninterested. Realised though had a really good night, getting ready with the girls was fun, getting drunk with them was fun, being out with them was fun and it hit me, I’m actually starting to enjoy single life. I haven’t been single in about 4 years and yes it is scary to be alone and not have someone to share the good and the bad with but its opened my eyes to the fact that I’m fine looking after me and I have these great fun mates who enjoy my company, not my supposedly fun boyfriend that I would hide behind. I’m enjoying doing what I want, when I want, eating what I want, watching what I want, getting shiz done in my own way in my own time and not feeling like I’m being constantly judged! Yes it can be lonely but who is going to want my company if even I can’t just be with myself sometimes?
Still miss him but I feel like I can breathe properly again
A coursemate, someone he’s worked with a few times on assignments, someone he once said he was mates with (although in ten months of dating I never saw him hang out with this so called mate) wants to take me out on a date. I feel like I might be ready to start getting back out there a bit, not ready for a relationship in the slightest, but is this going a bit far? I know that I would go a bit nuts if he started seeing a friend of mine but I don’t really think they’re mates, just on the same course.
Hmm. Feels a bit naughty. Nice to know I’m starting to feel ready for this kind of thing though.