Just been a bit of an odd day today. Finally got my phone charged up and turned on and had a random message from soldier boy telling me about how he got laid on the weekend and then spent the rest of the day basically talking about this and about how he was invited to join in a gangbang tonight and I’m just like excuse me? For a few weeks it seemed like there would be something between us and then I kind of realised there couldn’t be an actual future with him cause he’s all young and shit and would just do the same as ex mr chop and then we basically didn’t talk for about 2 weeks and then I get this message? Its just weird. Maybe it was all in my head? Maybe we are just sort of friends? But the talk about when he’s going to be back and wanting to see me and know when is best for me and wanting to go on a trip and trying to convince me what a great boyfriend he’d make? Why would we just be friends? I dunno, just weird. Then there was deleting ex mr chop off my fb (actually moo went on my account and did it cause I literally couldn’t bring myself to). He won’t realise for a while I don’t think. It needed to be done though. I fucking tried! I really fucking did, I fucking tried to be cool about it and be all moved on and I’m fucking not, I still feel too strongly that us not being together is wrong and that hes the one and I love him. I love him and pretending that I could just be his friend was torture basically. When he does realise hes not going to understand. Hes either going to ignore it or send me a message asking whats going on? I don’t know what I’ll say or if I’ll say anything. I feel like I want to say, I’m not allowed to love you, for some reason I can’t hate you and being your friend just felt like a lie. AND THEN I got a random message from stalker boy who I thought had gotten the hint AND THEN ‘betes lad, mutual friend of mine and ex mr chop, was sex this and sex that and sent me a short porn story he had made up about me and him. Its just so weird cause he met me and ex mr chop at the same time, I was ex mr chop’s girlfriend, we were all going to live together. And now hes all ohh I want to cum on your tits and I feel like even though he is still ex mr chop’s good friend, I’m fair game or something. Maybe he knows ex mr chop is so totally not interested in anything I do that its safe to come on to me like this.
All in all a very strange day. And I know its going to be another busy week where I’m going to be around all these people I don’t know and have to be charming which is just so exhausting!
My head is really confused. In mexico I realised that the me and ex ex thing was soooooo fucking stupid and even thinking about him now disgusts me. I also realised that it would be nice to like someone again, to have those tummy flips and that I miss feeling that. And now I’m wondering maybe I stopped missing ex mr chop a long time ago and that I just miss the memory of being in love and of who we were. Having him back on my facebook hasn’t been the awful heartbreaking thing I thought it would be. Yeah some things have made me sad like facebook saving the past things we said to each other before. I clicked on ‘friend history’ and the whole lead up to us being together and a bit after is all there. It made me miss my friend too. And then today, for the first time since the day after he walked out, he started to talk to me over facebook chat. I’ve been dreading that a bit, every time I see him come up on my friends list its made me heart jump a bit. But it wasn’t actually bad, I didn’t feel sad or out of control. I felt more curious as to what was going to be said and it was just a typical boring conversation. He called me dudette which is what he use to call me before we got together and I wanted to reply with cuntchops because thats what I would have said back in the day but I didn’t cause….were not those people anymore, we don’t have that relationship anymore. I think I’m finally, really, getting to the point where I am realising I really do need to move on. I haven’t wanted to because letting myself have feelings for someone else means really saying goodbye to him and its been hard cause I’ve been comparing every guy I meet to him and coming up with stupid reasons to not be with them. Moo is moving on, treacle is moving on, ex mr chop moved on, the ex ex moved on. I need to move on as well.
It’s time. Isn’t it?