Wish I Could Shut Myself Up

I can’t believe myself. I HATE that I still miss you. I HATE that I still love you.

I really really hate that you don’t.

I KEEP MEETING GUYS, I DO ACTUALLY GO OUT AND MEET GUYS AND GET CHATTED UP AND GET NUMBERS AND GET ASKED FOR MY NUMBER ALL THE TIME AND OCCASIONALLY I EVEN MEET A GUY WHO IS GREAT AND WHO I WOULD TOTALLY BE WITH. AND I CAN’T. BECAUSE OF YOU.

FUCK ME, I HATE ME. I JUST WANT TO BE OVER THIS. I WANT TO NOT BE SAD. I TRY SO FUCKING HARD TO NOT BE THIS PERSON. AND IT’S NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH.

When the shitting hell is this going to be over?? It’s been long enough now. It’s so enough.

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Achy Breaky Heart

Up and down, yes then no then yes then no. I can’t seem to make up my mind with this guy. When I’m with him I enjoy being around him and yesterday I had my Barnes and Noble meeting and he came and met me for a quick coffee when I’d finished and I found myself staring at him, wanting to touch him, wanting to just interrupt him and kiss him. I left with a massive smile on my face. I left horny for him. But then once I’m away from him I lose that feeling and I suddenly don’t know what the hell I’m doing,

This is my theory. I think that my emotions got so fucked over that they are now in hiding. In hiding but will every so often peek out. My heart wants to man every fucking battle station it has to keep a new guy out. I feel like I do really like him but my head and my heart are in total agreement that they do NOT want to go through that shit again and so they’ve manned up to keep this new fucker out.

I understand head, I get it heart. But if we don’t let someone in, and someone soon, we are going to end up alone forever. I acknowledge this fact and yet it sort of doesn’t scare me. Better to be alone than to be completely fucked over in every way.

Another dinner with him tomorrow. I’m pretty sure I’m looking forward to it. Not too sure though

Dream Land

So I had this dream the other night. In this dream I think I was somewhere in the UK. At the beginning I was in the bears tooth I think and ┬áthen I was in Tesco with mum. Finally I think I was in a mix of the West Quay and Dimond Mall and it was there that I ran into ex mr chop and instead of just walking past me; pretending I wasn’t there, he stopped and smiled. He smiled at me and asked how I was, how was I doing. He said it seemed like I was doing really well for myself and he gave me that smile, the one that let me know he was actually happy to see me, the smile that use to make me melt, feel like I was home and finally safe. It was the smile that would make me breathe a sigh of relief because he was finally with me again. The best thing about that smile wasn’t because of these reasons. It was because I knew he smiled because he was feeling all the same things. So, he gave me that smile and started to walk away but he was looking back and I knew he didn’t want to leave so I ran after him and said we should meet up the next day and he said yeah we should and looked straight in to my eyes and I knew everything was going to be ok. I woke up feeling light and happy and I realise now its because I woke up in love. I didn’t really think about why I felt so happy until I was driving to work and remembered that it had just been a dream and I was crushed. I honestly felt the loss of that dream with my whole heart.

I always miss him. In the back of my mind I’m aware of that but I don’t really think about it. This dream though, was so sharp and vivid, it was like a mental kick and everything I crush down every day just came straight to the surface. Sometimes I think my mind hates me; sometimes I feel like I’m serving a punishment that will never end.

Most of the time I can crush all ┬áthis down, forget its there, forget everything. Not always though. When its at its worst, when I slip up and forget to cover the cracks, I’m aware of a continuous muffled screaming. At first I don’t know what it is, I’m confused until I remember. Its me. Its that part of me thats bound to him and shes screaming for him to save her. She doesn’t really believe hes gone, that hes never coming back. She knows they are forever and she won’t stop screaming until he comes back. Shes loyal to him, she will never give up on him. It breaks my heart because I know the truth, I know he is not coming back, I know his forever was bullshit but its like nothing will get that through to her. It sucks and is such shit that she is really me, she is really that stupid hopeful part of me that will never give up.

And then there will be that magical lull where I have forgotten. It can be for an hour or a day or a few days of bliss where I just don’t care. Writing about it helps to, its like I can get it all out and feel peaceful for a bit. I just wish my heart didn’t still feel him, like he is actually here with me. That would be nice

The Big 1

It has officially been a year now since ex mr chop randomly up and left. Exactly a year ago that I was in this room; a broken shell who couldn’t stop crying and began to have serious insomnia issues. Exactly a year that I was laying on this bed praying that he would just stay away for this night and in the morning would call me, telling me he made a mistake and wanted to come back. This time last year I felt so sick I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think about anything but the fact that the guy I was completely in love with, who I had brought to my dads home in America to meet my family, the first guy I had trusted enough to bring in to my family like that, who had told me hours earlier how much he loved me and who I had told that I was so happy he was here with me, turned around and left. He just left. I feel like I have been half the person I use to be since then. This time last year was the first day for the next year where I could actually feel that my heart was broken and its a pain that hasn’t gone away yet. It has dulled and it is now manageable but its not gone. Break ups happen but in that one moment I lost my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend and the first person I trusted with my whole being that would never hurt me, who would always want the best for me like I wanted the best for him. A whole year and even now he can’t bear to even be my friend a little. He can be friends with his ex who cheated on him and broke his heart but he can’t even be my friend a little bit. He was my best friend. My best fucking friend. And since he walked out a year ago I’ve seen him exactly twice, in brief passing. Its been hard because first I had to get over losing him as my boyfriend, the guy I lived with, the guy I was going to live with again, the guy I came to America with and then I had to get over losing him as my friend. He promised. He promised that we would always stay friends. And he couldn’t even do that.

I wasn’t important enough, good enough, enough in any way. I’m still not. I don’t blame him for leaving me, I would have just dragged him down

Walking Away

For the sake of my health, sanity, heart and karma I am walking away from the ex ex situation and ended the insanely fast paced TV guy situation.

After having a good chat with TV guy I went to his last night with an open mind, willing to give this one last chance. He’s a nice enough guy but there just isn’t anything there for me. He doesn’t banter, he doesn’t really make me laugh, I don’t feel that need to be affectionate or physical with him, he doesn’t understand me to be honest. And I don’t understand him. There is something about him that sort of worries me as well and his view on women is a bit appalling. I understand that guys will be guys and chat shit about girls ‘oh shes fit oh I would’ blah blah but its constant with him and constant in front of me. You don’t do that when you’re with someone that you’re trying to develop something with cause its a bit rude really. I told him and dropped many many hints that I DON’T want anything serious, that this ISN’T anything serious so when his housemate called me his girlfriend and Tv guy didn’t correct him or even look concerned I knew that he’d been telling people that I was his girlfriend and my heart stopped and I panicked and just wanted to leave the house but I couldn’t get hold of moo cause my phone was being shit, then hers ran out of battery and by the time her message of I’ll come rescue you came through it was to late and I somehow ended up being committed to staying at TV guy’s place. I literally changed in to my pajamas and went straight to sleep and then the minute my alarm went off (at 7.30am) I was straight up, got dressed and even though moo was going to come pick me up (to go to uni), even though it was freezing, even though I could have waited downstairs, I started walking to meet her. I just couldn’t be in that house any longer. So The frigging End.

I feel a bit sorry for any new guys that come in to my life, I keep comparing them to ex mr chopper because before him I had never found that instant banter before and someone who completely understood my sense of humour from the first moment. And that is something I really cherished and loved and is now apparently a requirement for any guy in my life. I guess it might be a bit unfair but that banter has become something really important to me and the thing that I’ve missed the most with him.

I have to admit, got a bit fucked last night and stupidly stupidly texted ex mr chopper (have now re-deleted his number so I won’t do it again), asking him to please take back the ‘I hope your life remains always shit’ comment. I am having such a hard time understanding exactly what I’ve done to hurt him so much that he would hate me enough to say that. I just don’t understand this change in him, moo and I were talking about it and she’s like me, she just doesn’t understand how he went from this amazing fun person to this horrible horrible guy.

And after everything, after that comment, after the whole ‘your life is shitty’, I still just want to understand. I still just want to have an actual conversation and get everything out there and just move on from it all. Its been months now and I still just wish I could stop letting him affect me so much. I just wish he could feel what I feel so that he could understand as well. But this is another thing I’m just letting go now, as much as I use to wish things could be different they never will. Someone who was actually worth my time and thoughts would never have said what he did. And I’m finished with it

No Words

Well, last night and today have been just a little bit shit. I would wish that things could be different, better, easier. But there’s no point cause they won’t be. I would wish that he could understand things without letting his own, wrong, judgements and interpretations get in the way first. But he thinks his way and I think mine. I would wish that we could hear each other. But thats not really something he ever wanted, he just wanted to make sure that on the off chance we ran in to each other (don’t know why he’s worried when its been 5/6 months and it hasnt happened) that it wouldn’t be ‘awkward’.

I understand he was trying to be nice with his first message but he needs to understand thats not how it was going to come across. When someone isn’t in your life for months at a time, made it very clear that they don’t want your friendship and sent messages out to the world about how shit it was being with you, a random nice text out of the blue is not going to make sense and is going to seem suspicious and a little fake. That might not have been the intention but that is how it came across.

But the last comment was way way out of line and way way harsh. You don’t tell someone going through a really difficult time, someone who has dark thoughts and is in a black place, that their life is shit and that they hope it doesn’t get better.

I’m scared that what he said is going to come true and I’m scared that I don’t care if it does

Cunt

Brian is a fucking cunt. Posting about how much he changed in bad way because of being with me and how it was ok being with me but he lost soooo many mates by spending time with me.

FUCK OFF YOU LYING FUCKING ASSHOLE CUNT!

Changed? Thats funny cause I still have a little ‘love letter’ from him saying how he was able to be the person he could never show anyone. Posts saying how in love he was with me and how happy he was and how he fell in love with his best friend and it was amazing.

Fucking Liar.

And all this shit about losing mates cause of the time he spent with me is such utter BOLLOCKS! I NEVER stopped him from seeing people, I fucking encouraged it!! And so many people have said to me since the split thats hes a shit friend, always has been cause he just can never be fucked to make any effort. The amount of times I said why don’t you go hang out with so and so or invite so and so out or to the house or to parties.

It makes me really sick that he had the fucking balls to post such utter trash.

Fuck you Brian. I’m sorry that being in a relationship means having to think of someone apart from yourself. I’m sorry that it means being in a partnership. I’m sorry that life can be hard and not always sunshine and fairies. But fuck you for being a lying dickhead cuntbag.

There was so much that was amazing between us, I’m so upset that hes now ruined the good memories I had, especially through such lying bullshit!!!!

I really do have such hate for him now, he ruined everything that made us great, blamed me for shit that wasn’t my fault, shit that wasn’t even true, made out it was so horrible being with me when it was only the last month that was a bit rough. He was the untrusting shit, he thinks he was so fucking easy to be with, thinks he was (is) mr perfect. Fuck off, grow the fuck up you peter pan wannabe. Fuck you for throwing all the great times back in my face. Fuck you for being such an arrogant asshole. Fuck you for managing to hurt me again.

Fuck you

Hear me

I just want to be heard. I just want to be told its ok. I don’t mean to cause any hurt or upset.

I’m not a bad person. I am not a selfish person. I’ve made mistakes and I haven’t always chosen the best path but I’ve tried. Why is it ok for other people to be fucked up but not me? Why is it ok for other people to be affected by things that have happened in their lives except me? I realise that its been in the past few years I’ve made the most mistakes but what about the other years? The other years and years I wasn’t making mistakes, the years that I carried so much weight with me. Even in the past few years, a lot of the mistakes I’ve made have been to benefit someone else. Selfish? I wish I had been thinking selfishly cause then I wouldn’t be in as much mess as I am. Selfish? I wouldn’t have fought the battles I have. Selfish? I wouldn’t have kept the secrets I have. Selfish? I’d have put myself first, not said things to make others happy, not let myself fall. Inconsiderate? Irresponsible? Always had things my way? Really? I not only consider everyone else’s feelings, I do it to the point of always putting everyone above myself. I would never do anything to hurt someone, I would never make other people make choices that would hurt them or harm others. I know what shes talking about, shes talking about summers and winters away, the fact I fought to make them happen. She thinks I did this to hurt her. This is why I get so angry at my brother, I’ve had to do all the fighting for things he wanted as well but because he doesn’t have a back bone, its looked like I’ve been forcing him to my decisions.

I don’t understand why it always has to come down to picking one parent over the other. Its never been anything to do with that. Its to do with the fact that me and my brother need our mum and our dad, not one or the other. Its not fair that weve always had to choose. Its never been about preferring one over the other, its never been about thinking one is better then the other. Its always been made to be a fucking competition when we just want to have both in our lives.

Of course as a single mum its been hard, harder because of lack of child support, harder because shes always loved him and not gotten over him. Yeah he hasn’t been the best dad in the world or the most supportive but he hasn’t been near the worst either. He lets us know he loves us, he lets us know that if we need him he will try his hardest. I know he hurt her but hes still our dad and I don’t want to have the same relationship with him that she had with her dad or even that he had with his dad. I’m not excusing his behavior, the cheating, the stubbornness and short temper which I’ve inherited, I’m just choosing to work at having a relationship and not be consumed by anger or bitterness. Just like mum has made mistakes as well but I don’t work at being angry at how she chose to cope with things, I choose to try and see her perspective and to get over it. Lack of communication is a big thing in our family. I do feel like I can’t rely on mum emotionally because she doesn’t believe in herself emotionally.

Shes a great mum but sometimes it can be really hard to open up to her. Especially when I try and its like she doesn’t believe me, bringing me back to why I seem to be the only person who isn’t supposed to be affected by things in the past or present. As all mums, she has the greatest ability to make me feel shit about myself and I know she would say the same about me. I just wish she could have a little perspective, I’ve never been a wild child, a drunk, a druggie, gotten pregnant, a chav, violent, abusive. I’ve never trashed the house, I’ve never called her names. I’ve tried protecting her from things I know would really hurt her, I’ve backed her up when my brother walked out, I’ve supported her even if it meant hurting my dad. I chose not to go to my dads wedding because I knew it would really hurt mum, even though I did want to go, just to support dad nothing else, I didn’t and it meant my brother didn’t and that still hurts dad to this day.

I’m not saying that these things make her a bad mum, at all! I’m just saying I wish she could see that I’m not a bad daughter either. And right now I’m just making a choice based on what I feel could be a really good move for me. She needs to realise I’m not doing this to hurt her. I’m doing it to save me so that I can be a better person, make better choices, be a better daughter for her, someone she can be proud of. I don’t want to be the burden and the bad person she thinks I am. I don’t want to be the failure I see myself as. This isn’t about her not being a good enough mum or supportive enough or that she hasn’t done enough. Its about the mistakes and choices I’ve made that have brought me here.

I just wish she could see that. I just wish she could say I support you, take this opportunity, use its full potential and come back the strong successful person we all know you are and can be. At the end of the day, whats it going to hurt to try?