Poem: Vicious Cycle

Fuck up.

Try again.

Screw it up harder.

Be ashamed.

Bounce back.

Push it one more time.

Come out on top.

Be happy for a while.

Burn it all down.

Vicious cycle

Can’t Stop Reading…..

Brian Ranson11 June 01:41
Best thing to do is to block me then on here cause ill keep wanting to talk to you.Thing is kate im having to do the same as you. But the worst thing is that it was my choice n the wrong one. i havent had a girlfriend since you.
And he wonders why I can’t let go of him. Every time I thought I was ready. This one message has set me back months and months. I can meet up with guys, I can chat them up, I can be interesting and flirty. But I am still stone cold inside.I just cannot make myself feel anything real. I don’t know if I will ever feel anything real again. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to pretend and get on with my life I just also know that it won’t actually be real. I know people say that if it was actually meant to be, it would have worked out. Except no one realizes that sometimes there are just way too many circumstances. Ex mr chop was right, he needed to do him and I needed to do me. Except I was so broken and lost that I couldn’t and instead I moved out of the country. When ex mr chop left he said it might be a few years down the line but who knows. If I had sorted my shit out in England then I would still be there and this whole thing might have gone down completely different. That’s what I think anyway. Maybe he didn’t, doesn’t, feel like that and he was just saying it to appease me. I just don’t understand why he would do that when he was the one to get in touch with me, when he was the one to start all this shit and say shit. He had no right. And now he’s blocked me which is awesome.
Fuck you. Fuck you so hard ex mr chop. I hate you.

Thoughtful Mode

First weekend back at HAP was really  good; got two star of the moments, AM supervisor likes me, got to hang with heartbreak which was really fun. No manly prospects there cause they are all either ultrasounds (baha heartbreak, you crack me up) or on first name terms with mr.reaper. Not loving the new bag boys at the minute cause they seem disinclined to help with tallying which pisses me off when there are 6-8 of them standing around and then new girl heartbreak is nearing a stress meltdown. But I will kick them in to shape eventually.

After working at HAP though, I am kind of hating being back at TC. I dunno, I just don’t feel as excited or motivated to accomplish anything here, the boss man is fucking crazy, supervisor is a bitch, inventory guy is super stressful to be around, the work is just tedious. I’m kind of thinking that the plan is, once I know for sure that I’m going back to uni and thats all sorted, I’m going to hand in my resignation, work full time at HAP and then start school. I’m going to look for a part time job either on campus, at AK fitness or something close to home. If (on Thursday when I have my meeting with the uni guidance person) I’m told I can not do school till next year then obviously I will have to stick it out here. If I am told that uni is not really possible at all then I think I’m going to just leave AK. I might go to Seattle, I might go to Oregon or I might go back to the UK, work full time and live with moo. Who loves this idea the best aha. Yes I will miss little sis and bro and parentals but I came out to start over and if I can’t do that the way I wanted, I might as well go home and fix shiz there. I know now that I can and I’m capable. I know now that I can control my money and be a grown up. I miss moo, I miss UK. I don’t like American boys at all so theres nothing like that holding me back.

Maybe I’m just restless. Maybe I’m not a person that is meant to stay in one place for very long or maybe I’m the type of person who feels like if things are too sorted and placid that they need to be really shaken up. The thing is, I know once I have an idea in my head, it gets stuck there and niggles away at me until I do something about it. Christ, going back to the UK. Parentals would be pissed. And hurt. Mostly hurt I think. But again I don’t know, it would mean I wouldn’t be a burden on them anymore, they would have that extra room back and be able to be comfortable in their own home again. So yeah why don’t I just move out then? Cause I don’t want to live with people I don’t know, that thought it just horrendous to me.

If the college thing works out that would be amazing. I’m ready for it now, I’m ready to put the work in and I’m ready to start my future. I’m ready to be around people like me again. I’m ready to meet people who will eventually be good friends. I’m ready to not throw it all away this time, to not be controlled by a manipulative guy, to not put a guy above me and my needs and my goals. Being with the ex ex and going to uni was a mistake because he just used me as a maternal support system and I threw the whole uni experience away cause making him happy, not studying, not making friends, not putting things above him was more important. Cleaning up his messes and bailing him out time and time again basically ruined my life. And then jumping in to things with ex mr chop was like system overload. I feel like I have learnt from all of this.

I just wonder, what comes next?