Getting On It

Have applied for work experience in New Zealand, Australia and to be a camp counsellor at Camp America where will travel around the USA for a few months after 6 weeks at camp. Am also in the stage of applying to be an Au Pair in NYC for a bit.

Nice one

Travels: Starting the Dream

I want to go traveling. I just want to up and away and go trekking around the globe but first I need to think of exactly where.

France: Paris, Italy: Rome, Amsterdam. Greece, China, India, Israel, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand, Maldives, Brazil, Mexico, Road trip across America, Canada and then end up living in New York.

Basically start going through Europe, then over to China, Australia, New Zealand, over to Brazil, up to Mexico, Across the states, Canada and then New York. Sort of thinking working as I go, picking up jobs that will get me to the next point, writing as I go and maybe making an amazing story that will become something in New York.

Thats the dream. So I guess better start figuring it out

Hmm What To Do About The Cat??

I might seriously suggest jo take buffy the cat. One less for mum and it could be my parting gift aha.

I decided to tell ex mr chopper cause if even at this late stage we could salvage some kind of friendship, which I would love because I’ve missed that friend who I could banter so easily with, who would wake me up at 3am to take a walk with his spangled ass, who would team up to play pranks, who I could tell anything to, then that would be amazing. And yes I suppose I would be using some form of emotional blackmail to kick start the friendship again, so be it! Plus its not really blackmail when its true.

I’m not going to say anything to the ex ex though cause to be honest, give a shit. I don’t care if it would hurt his feelings not to know. I don’t care what he thinks. I just don’t care and thats finally become clear to me. I think I’m finally over feeling guilty, not about ending it but about the way I ended it and then fell in love like 3 seconds later. I DON’T CARE! HA! God, that took me long enough ay?

As expected, mum is not taking it well. I just hope she can understand its not about her, its about me, and its not a decision I’m taking lightly and that I’ll be losing out with this decision as well.

What Do I Say?

Obviously there are specific people to tell. But do I tell him? Do I even bother mentioning it? What difference would it make? What would it achieve? I would hate to leave things like they are but really, will it make me feel better? What would I want out of saying anything? In my mind I would want to tell him and he would say well how bout we meet up before you go and we could and we could talk and leave things on a good note. But I know what would happen, I’d say something and he’d go ok, cya and I’d be really hurt. By him. Again. I think in his case I’m just going to disappear in to the night and if he ever finds out, he finds out.

And then what about the ex, ex? Do I say anything to him? That really would achieve nothing, he really wouldn’t care. And to be honest, what if he did? I don’t want anything from him, I would never change my mind for him and if it brought up feelings on his part, that would totally mess with his head and I don’t want to do anything that would mess with his relationship. Again, another leaving in the night situation I think.

So who do I want to tell? The girls of course. Old halls-mates. Ria, Rach, Jo. Aside from that I think a facebook status or something will do.

Its sad, I think I do want to tell ex 1 and 2, they were both so important to me and it feels sad to not say anything, not say goodbye. I just know that neither one of them would feel the same. I think I would rather regret the things I did do than the things I didn’t though. Maybe its selfish of me but fuck it. Its how I feel and what I want to do.

Ergh, I dunno!!!

I Don’t Know What To Do

I decided in September to not stay in America because I felt like I was running away from my problems, I felt that my health stuff would be sorted, that I wouldn’t be as depressed, I knew I’d miss my girls and my mum too much, miss my home too much. I felt like I would be staying because of how heartbroken I was.

But things haven’t changed, my health isn’t getting better and I’ve tried fixing my mistakes and tried to change things but its not working. I am severely depressed, I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been, my health is dire and I just generally don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

I regret dropping law. I know I could do so well. I just need time to get over this health stuff, get help with this depression, I need an environment where I am pushed until I can push myself again. I use to be so good at that.

All the same arguments for staying and going are still there. Ultimately though, I just don’t see things changing or improving here. More importantly, I don’t see myself being the person I want to be over here either.