I was pretty sure it would be better today. Even after I got home yesterday I started feeling better. Little sis was running around and making run around with her and being all playful which of course lifted my mood. Then I just chilled out and went to bed early and it was definitely better this morning. Then the morning meeting wasn’t that bad, even had a giggle fit cause my accent was causing all sorts of confusion. Bit shit trying to do solicits cause I have totally no idea about whats going on (still don’t) and need to do that photoshop stuff that I have no idea about. But have finally managed to get these signings sorted and on the go so now I hopefully won’t be fired for being incompetent.
I don’t know what happened yesterday at all. All I could feel was complete despair, just like when I was back at home. So, maybe I do have depression and maybe it doesn’t go away just because I told it to. Maybe it is something you live with always and you can fight it and it can be better and then sometimes its just there and there isn’t anything you can do about it except deal and move on. Who knows?
At least its a lot better today!
I can feel it like a tide coming in, like there is something coming closer and closer and I’m about to be smothered. I know this feeling. Goddammit I fucking know this. There is nothing bad going on, there is nothing different, there have been no arguments, there is no tension, there are no bad feelings anywhere. But for some reason I am choking. I am literally about to fall apart. I don’t know why? I don’t understand whats wrong? I just came back from a really good weekend, I had loads of fun and got to drink and chill and be me. I’ve accomplished a lot at work today. I still have time to accomplish more.
I am sat here in my office trying not to cry. I feel like I am slipping down a hole. I feel like everything is terrible. I feel like everything is pointless, nothing matters, nothing I do matters, nothing I say matters. There are no consequences because I am not afraid of any consequences. I can feel my face and its stillness, there is no emotion. Its like my soul has just decided to take a walk somewhere. I don’t mean that I want to do bad things, just that I am empty right now. I want to tell the boss to fuck off, pick up my stuff and walk out. I want to tell people what I really think of them. I want to kiss pop tart guy and tell him I’m sorry for judging him. I want to go and sit in the middle of a crowd and just soak up the atmosphere they make just by being. I thought I was being? Is this just an episode? Will I feel better tomorrow?
I feel like everyone around me hates me. I feel like I am a failure and they hate me for that, they can smell it on me and it offends them. I feel like I’m not wanted but they can’t get rid of me.
I want to go home. I want to go and see moo. I want to go for a walk on the beach. I want a hug from someone who loves me for me. I want to be surrounded by the same accent, I want to be boring and blend in. I want to be invisible.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe I just need a shag. Ergh, now I’m even more depressed
So I had this dream the other night. In this dream I think I was somewhere in the UK. At the beginning I was in the bears tooth I think and then I was in Tesco with mum. Finally I think I was in a mix of the West Quay and Dimond Mall and it was there that I ran into ex mr chop and instead of just walking past me; pretending I wasn’t there, he stopped and smiled. He smiled at me and asked how I was, how was I doing. He said it seemed like I was doing really well for myself and he gave me that smile, the one that let me know he was actually happy to see me, the smile that use to make me melt, feel like I was home and finally safe. It was the smile that would make me breathe a sigh of relief because he was finally with me again. The best thing about that smile wasn’t because of these reasons. It was because I knew he smiled because he was feeling all the same things. So, he gave me that smile and started to walk away but he was looking back and I knew he didn’t want to leave so I ran after him and said we should meet up the next day and he said yeah we should and looked straight in to my eyes and I knew everything was going to be ok. I woke up feeling light and happy and I realise now its because I woke up in love. I didn’t really think about why I felt so happy until I was driving to work and remembered that it had just been a dream and I was crushed. I honestly felt the loss of that dream with my whole heart.
I always miss him. In the back of my mind I’m aware of that but I don’t really think about it. This dream though, was so sharp and vivid, it was like a mental kick and everything I crush down every day just came straight to the surface. Sometimes I think my mind hates me; sometimes I feel like I’m serving a punishment that will never end.
Most of the time I can crush all this down, forget its there, forget everything. Not always though. When its at its worst, when I slip up and forget to cover the cracks, I’m aware of a continuous muffled screaming. At first I don’t know what it is, I’m confused until I remember. Its me. Its that part of me thats bound to him and shes screaming for him to save her. She doesn’t really believe hes gone, that hes never coming back. She knows they are forever and she won’t stop screaming until he comes back. Shes loyal to him, she will never give up on him. It breaks my heart because I know the truth, I know he is not coming back, I know his forever was bullshit but its like nothing will get that through to her. It sucks and is such shit that she is really me, she is really that stupid hopeful part of me that will never give up.
And then there will be that magical lull where I have forgotten. It can be for an hour or a day or a few days of bliss where I just don’t care. Writing about it helps to, its like I can get it all out and feel peaceful for a bit. I just wish my heart didn’t still feel him, like he is actually here with me. That would be nice
Aha, so was stressing about the whole cinema job thing but I’ve really wanted to show that I am being an adult and thinking about whats important so kept it and told them about my availability changes but didn’t quit, just said I could do fri-sat. Ok they said but then didn’t schedule me for last week and then today I get home and there’s a nice little letter firing me. Jokes! So now I get off of the second job thing scot free instead of just quitting and pissing dad and Kim off. Very happy course of events.
Job as Associate Editor is still great. Yeah, its a bit stressful having to juggle allll the different parts of my job plus all the bits of the Office Manager, plus being the go-to girl for everyone else and its even worse when I’m all fluey but its a good kind of stressful. The kind where you know you’re achieving something and are proud of it. I caught a massive printing error that saved the company thousands, I’ve booked signings for a book none of the sales people can shift, I’ve managed to navigate myself around bloody Indesign (bloody Indesign!! I never thought I’d see the day!). I’m proving to myself that I’m not a fuck up! That’s probably the best thing of all; I’m starting to feel like the good me again. The one who people are proud of, the fun one, the one who wants to jump around the house. I’m not saying I’m not massively tired at the end of the work day and can be a bit snappy and I’m not saying that I don’t get a bit flustered when the work is piling up a bit but I’m not going to pressure myself in to being perfect yet. I’m just taking it as it comes right now.
It’s just nice to be recognising some of me again
I’ve been here for about 5, nearly 6 months and things haven’t really changed. I’m still not actively going for what I want or need, I’m in an extreme amount of pain constantly and I still don’t really give a damn about life. I just don’t, I don’t care if I’m around, I feel tired thinking of all the life I have yet to live and deep down I’m still hoping that one day one of my many medical things will just very quickly finish me off. I just don’t have the energy, the motivation or the willingness to be around. I would never do anything to harm myself because I really believe that, that is one of the most selfish and horrifying things you can do to the people who love you. But if something out of my control was to happen then that wouldn’t be the same thing. Getting up and showered and dressed and motivated enough to even do those simple things is really hard. And I don’t know what to do
I literally don’t know why I’m even alive or what the point of being here is. Even when I think I’m doing good and being better, every single time I start feeling ok about myself, someone is there to remind me that I’m not and I’m still a fuck up and I’m still to hard to have around. Apparently I am a liar. Apparently I am constantly ungrateful and unhelpful. Apparently I am not trying. Apparently I didn’t know this; I really didn’t. I do now of course and I’m left wondering that obviously this is the person I am and I’ve tried to fix me and I’ve tried to ask for help and I’ve tried to be someone completely different and nothing seems to work so, what is the point.
I am not a liar. I am not a bad person. I am not ungrateful. I am not a total fuck up, I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol or been arrested or have a criminal record, I am not violent, I am not unhelpful. I am just not the person some people think I should be. I am just a bit defeated. I am just hoping to die. I am just lost. I am trying not to be these things but its going to take longer than a couple of months.
I wonder though. Whats the point
That’s all I want, all anyone wants I think. I just want to finally be accepted and understood; I don’t want to be the one to sit in silence wishing that I was a wanted part of the family. I don’t want to be the one who people presume I’m going to throw a fit and so beat me to the punch by making me feel like shit. After everything I have ever gone through and the very very little I have asked for ever, after trying so hard to push myself out of the dark place I’ve been for the past year without any help, after trying to be the best person that I could be and I’m still the disappointment.
Always the fucking disappointment
I was at work yesterday, my fifth AM shift in a row for this week, it was near the end of my shift and I realised that I’m happy. I really like my job, I really like the people I work with, I really like interacting with all the different guests and I feel like I’m getting me back, getting back that confidence and spark and it feels really really good. I always thought I was really shit at making conversation with people I didn’t know and I always thought that I was so shy when I first met people that I gave off a rather stilted impression but here I am, jumping right in, talking to anyone and everyone, making new friends all the time, finding people to banter with. I haven’t given off a bad first impression, I’ve managed to be this person people like! And it is really satisfying to be working, knowing that I’m making money and having fun doing it. I feel a LOT less stressed and a lot more comfortable with myself and its weird but truly amazing because I thought I was lost. I thought I had lost me forever and I wanted to die. I had given up on myself completely, I was so very tired. Its a really odd thing to start realising you are worth something and that life isn’t that dark and scary and I can do this. I can be a part of the real world and be accepted and not have to be afraid, that I can cope.
Its been a long time since I thought I could cope. And I haven’t even been taking my anti bitching pills for a month and a bit
Sometimes I still feel like my heart is so broken I can’t stand it. I so want to be fixed by now. I so want to be a whole person again and I’m not. I think its because in the deepest part of me I still think it was such a mistake, I still think its not supposed to be like this. I try so hard to hide that part of me from myself, I can’t think about it, I can’t bear to say it out loud. But sometimes, when I feel like I am still so shattered, that feeling sort of creeps up on me and I can’t do anything but feel like I can’t breathe.
It will pass. It always does
GTO exam tomorrow. Am nervous but have some hope.
Been in the bad bad place since yesterday, I really don’t know why and I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with me but my sleep has gone crazy again, I keep crying, I keep thinking bout ex mr chop and the ex ex. I keep thinking that nothing matters cause I won’t be coming back, once that plane hits Alaska thats it, I’m going to work for a bit, I’m going to save a bit of money, I’m going to let my head settle and then start school again with a fresh perspective and actively aim for purpose in my life.
I dunno, I just think sometimes that I am so done here