Week 1

Finished my first week at Todd Communications and I honestly loved it. Love love loved it, I’ve got my office and my work I can just get on with, I get to talk to authors and publishers, I get projects that when finished are going to have my name on them in print. In print!! I will physically be able to buy things with my name on them; I’ll be a household name! Aha. Right now its a bit slow so it is a bit easy but thats fine with me, just means I get to be able to train up with no hecticness and then it will get busy and I can’t wait. I actually can’t wait to really know what I’m doing and to be able to get on with it without being the new trainee. The editor, lets call her scotsgirl, is amazing. She really knows what shes doing and is really nice and I just like her. She makes me a bit homesick cause we can go off on a tangent about things like new look and primark and she knows what ann summers is!! I look forward to her being my friend. And then there is a boss lady who is a few years older than me and reminds me a lot of treacle. Everyone is really nice. I’m sort of stressing about the cinema job cause I said to the family that I would keep it and work friday after TC and saturday but I really honestly do not want to. I was so shattered by the end of this week and I know I should be earning as much as possible but I’m now at a full time 8am-5pm job at good pay; I just don’t want to push myself to far when by the end of the week my back is pretty damn sore from being at a desk and I feel like I deserve to have my weekend. I’m in a real grown up job for fuck sake, I am not going to want to go from that to the cinema and be dead on my feet. Plus when moo gets here I want to be able to have my weekends so we can do stuff. I’m really disappointed about HAP as well, there is just no way I can do it unless I say that while moo is here I can’t and then before and after I can do weekends and work with chick. To be honest I really don’t know how I’m going to work that one out but I have a few months so I’m sure I’ll think of something.

New prognoses; severely vitamin d deficient and hypothyroid. So basically I need to take some pills to help with how my body absorbs nutrients for my bones and also energy. Which I could have told them but oh well! I also apparently do not ovulate at all so need to take something to trick my body in to having a period. Again, something I already knew. I’ve come to terms with the whole infertile thing, I’ve just never really felt that chidlers were in my cards. I just hope I can find a guy who is cool with that and would rather be a cool godparent or uncle.

Can’t wait for work on monday 🙂

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Where Do I Go From Here?

The pain is constant and untraceable. Dad doesn’t believe that its real and then gets angry when I don’t tell him about it. He thinks I’m making it up to a point, that its not that bad and partially in my head. I don’t know what to do with that, I don’t know how to make him understand how tired I am, how worried I am, how pissed off I am! Pissed off that this was supposed to be my big move and my big chance to change and for things to be better and instead I am so tired and hurt and unmotivated to get my new life really going because all I can do is think about the pain. Without pain meds I can barely move, I can barely breathe, my vision goes black and the only release I have is to cry and scream in silence. Dad says it can’t be that bad because he doesn’t see me in that much pain. He then says all I do is hide in my room. Somehow, he doesn’t make the connection that he hardly sees me in pain because I deal with the worst of it in my room and my room is the one place that I can be somewhat comfortable because I can lay down with a heat pad and cry and let the pain show. He goes on and on about needing to work more, work more jobs, push myself more. He doesn’t understand that I am already pushing myself, working so hard to push through the pain and not let it stop me from working. He doesn’t see me at work needing to take a break just to lay down or trying to hide the pain and tears from customers and managers. Yeah I understand, the CT showed nothing, the bloods said no Cushings, the Lyrica seems to be ineffective, there is no known medical reason for the pain. I understand that. But WHY would I be faking this bullshit? WHY would I be trying to make it seem worse? If I’m lying then I am pretty freaking consistent to the point of being a sociopath because its the same shit all the time. I wish he would consider that.

Another job interview today for full time hours I think. I so can’t be bothered I’m not even slightly nervous, just kind of slightly annoyed that I have to go. Its not that I don’t want a job or full time hours, I am just so tired of crappy jobs that have no relevance to a career, I just feel like I’m putting in a lot of effort for something meaningless.

Time to get a move on

A Smurfing Good Time

I am currently sat with a blue ‘clay’ face mask on that promises to ‘purify and cleanse’ my pores for up to 7 days. Smells nice at least but I do look like a badly made up smurf. Aha.

Day 11 of anti depressants and I’m still not overly sure there is a difference? The most noticeable effects would have to be I’m finding little things a bit more funny and my sleep has gone from not being able to fall asleep till 5/6am and waking up at 8/9am to not falling asleep till 5am BUT being able to stay asleep once I’m under (however I am now not waking up till 11am and am losing half my day. Slightly annoying when I am trying to turn over a new leaf and actually make it in to uni early).

Am totally craving a thorpe park/alton towers trip. Seriously. I can’t think of anything more fun right now then losing myself in a fast, high, scary ride session! Was invited to M’s thorpe park thing but am sooooo skint till finance comes through (plus have a lot of work to be getting done. Not that, that would have stopped me if I could have afforded to go aha).

Have been looking at a few flats and have found one that I am so in love with, its madness. A 3 bed flat in lansdowne, got views, got a nice kitchen with table, student friendly and these double bedrooms that are amazing. One has 360 degree views and is all windows and light and the other has a massive frigging balcony and I can just imagine us putting a table and chairs out there in the summer, working on our dissertations, having drinks. Seriously want this flat. Then there’s the flat that M found in charminster, really nice living/dining room, really nice rooms, nice kitchen, great location. Plus a lot cheaper than my dream flat. I want us to look at both of them though, see what the feelings in our bones say and go from there. Love love love both places!

Mmmmm summer is soooooo close! Totally pissing it down but it still smells all fresh and light. Can’t wait!!

Tired Of It

I am so tired of the doctors and the NHS. I have been having test after test, blood samples after blood samples. I have been waiting patiently to get anything sorted, to have any sort of results and I thought today would be it and that I would finally have the set of results I NEED to be able to move on to the next round. Were they in? No of course not. And after some investigation apparently due to my last freaking stupid name being misspelt, I have a random hospital persona thats been messing up with my results as results have been sent for that ‘person’ and being lost in the great NHS hole. Not only that but my specialist nurse who I’ve had for the past 10 years, who was investigating some pretty personal things for/with me and who I haven’t been able to get hold of for the past month or so, has bloody left the hospital and gone away to a new hospital without saying a fucking word!! I was so hurt, shes been my nurse for years, she was one of the only people at the hospital I trusted and she left without even a goodbye let alone a warning that someone new, someone I don’t know and have never met will be taking over my case.

Wicked.

Its hard to give a shit about your health, about fighting the shit when the professionals who know how serious this shiz is don’t give a fuck and the people you trust just vanish. I give up though, I’m not doing the same tests for the fourth time, I’m not waiting around for more results that are never going to come. If the worst happens, the worst happens and I just don’t care anymore. I would rather live without constantly being scared and nervous and frustrated about results and tests.

I’ve tried going to my GP, I’ve tried to get counselling, I’ve tried asking for help and its just not there. I’m not trying anymore, I’m to tired. I’m not going to give up on myself but I am giving up on believing that there are people out there to help me. I have me and thats just going to have to be enough. I have mum and my people and thats what keeps me going which is good, having a purpose is good.

Discouraging yes. But I’m not being dragged down by it anymore

Medical Mysteries Revealed pt.2

So, after being told hey, we’re going to test you for this really rare brain tumour disease cause you have symptoms but to be honest its going to come back negative, imagine my surprise that actually, it came back positive and will most likely need brain surgery and hormone tablets. Oh and the liver is diseased which makes me a bit fucked cause diabetics don’t get transplants, our bodies have a tendency to do the same damage again and again.

Marvelous. I am pretty much shitting myself. The potential that this was my last year is a disturbing thought seeing as it was a bit (well the past few months really) have been a bit awfully shit.

So just in case, I’ve written a farewell document with final wishes etc. and am keeping it safely in my middle drawer next to my various vibrators.

If I don’t laugh I cry