Twisting my fingers in your hair,
Pulling you down so your face touches mine,
I want to swallow you whole.
I want to crawl inside you and never come out,
I want us to hide forever from the world,
From anyone who wishes us harm,
From anyone who wants to break us apart.
I crush your body against mine;
But its never enough
pushed to the side, a smear on the window,
I’m a failure, a soldier, a daughter, a friend.
I’m everything, I’m nothing, a poem with no end.
I’m hungry inside, for life, for success,
But your ambition for you is putting me to the test.
There’s a hole in the middle,
There’s a drain on my soul,
Your words put me under,
I have no control,
Or I’ll surrender to the pain,
I’ll let my world stop spinning,
I’ll dance to my grave.
ESM had the baby yesterday. He is so freaking adorable, all tiny and cute and has the standard family nose and chubby cheeks. It’s so easy to imagine you there holding him. It’s so easy to imagine us going to the hospital together and being in the room together. Holding him breaks a little piece of me cause I feel like you should be there. I feel like that this is meant to be us one day. It makes me really really sad. I so wish I could talk to you about him and let you in on whats going on and make you a part of it in some small way.
I miss you so much
Here was my problem back in the UK. I care way way too much and take on people as my responsibility. I don’t know why but I always felt like I was directly responsible for people’s actions and if they messed up or needed help or seemed like they were flailing, I would step in and try to fix everything. I would feel guilty if I couldn’t help, I would feel guilty if things didn’t get better for that person. I would feel like it was my fault basically. That is why I stuck it out for so long with the ex ex and landed myself in so much trouble. I’m pretty sure this aspect of myself pissed off ex mr chop cause he didn’t need saving and I clearly did and wouldn’t own up to that.
I needed saving. I think it hurt ex mr chop’s feelings that I wouldn’t let him help me. I think that was one of our problems.
So I came out to America to get help. To be saved. To be taught how to live life differently. To be different. To be lovable. I’m not there yet but I am learning. Learning to live responsibly, learning what a family really means, learning who I am, learning how to let go of the control.
Writer boy. Fuck. Talk about finding the exact guy I should have been avoiding. Just another total ex ex situation and personality and type. The kind of guy who thinks he knows what hes doing but actually is just a massive child and fucks up. I was already starting to feel responsible for him and I felt so bad about the Papa Roach situation and then I thought No. He chose to go, he chose to drive there, he chose to drink a lot, he chose to not call a friend or his brother, he chose to not accept some cash for a cab and then he chose to drive home. He chose these things with no influence from me. I ended it because I do not want to be stuck with another person who is just going to drag me right back to square one. I’m not going to do it, I’ve worked to fucking hard to get to the place I am now. I am not responsible for other people’s actions. I do not need to feel guilty or be the one to bail them out. Its OK to let people stand on their own goddamn feet.
I am proud of myself for ending it. I am proud of myself for realising that I am better than this. I think I’m finally starting to develop some sense of self worth.
Its kind of cool.
I also really miss talking to ex mr chop. I’ve been hanging out with batgirl and her boyfriend and I really love their company because they just remind me of me and ex mr chop. They are so laid back and chilled and funny and its so obvious that they’re not just together but they’re best friends as well. Me and ex mr chop were best friends. I miss that. I still miss him every single day. I still think about him. I still think we should be together and I still think that he needs to get off his arse and help make it happen. I still think I am the only one out of the two of us who thinks/believes in all this and that’s a lonely place to be. But I’m use to it.
Miss you. You’d like batgirl and boyfriend. You would like hiking and fishing and camping and soon snowboarding and snowmen and random bluegrass festivals.
Back to work
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SO ready to GIVE UP!
JUST as I was starting to think that maybe a boyfriend wasn’t such a heinous idea, that maybe writer boy could actually be someone I could see myself spending time with and staying the night more with (yes stayed the night at his, was actually nice) and JUST as I was starting to enjoy the sex, he turns around and proves that once again I have the worst taste in men. Period.
Saturday evening was the Papa Roach show that me and two friends had been planning on going to for over month and writer boy a few days before decided to go which was fine. But then at the show he just would not piss off from trying to grind up on me and holding me when all I wanted to do was enjoy the first live music/gig I’ve been to in well over a year! He kept trying to bum cigarettes off one of my friends that he met once briefly, was trying to get himself invited over to my other friend’s place (which is basically a studio apartment she shares with her boyfriend), was trying to get me to go back to his, all the while fucked out of his mind even though he had driven to the gig which was way downtown and was going to need his car the next day for work. To which he expected me to sort out, drive him home, get his car to him. I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER. Fuckkk. Why can’t I meet a guy who can stand on his own goddamn feet without needing to rely on me to wipe his ass??
Then the next day I find out he tried to drive home, got pulled over, got a DUI and spent the night in jail.