Dean’s List

Officially made it. This doesn’t mean anything other than I have a good GPA for the term but it means something to me. It means that the goal I set for myself to get on Dean’s List and prove myself academically and show that I have changed, I managed to achieve. For once, I achieved. Proud self right here.

I can always tell when I’m happy or more settled because time between posts becomes longer. I’ve finished my first semester, I’m back at HAP, the summer stretches before me, I’ve re-applied for financial aid, I’ve chosen fall’s classes, I have one last chance to pass 054 Pre-Algebra over the summer (thank you maths teach), I’m doing better at home, I’m happy with the boyf. I still desperately miss moo and England but there isn’t much I can do about that.

The boyf. I keep judging him against ex mr chop and he keeps proving me wrong and making my head spin! I’ve been worried about dating another guy in his earlyish 20’s, like ex mr chop, who isn’t ready for a relationship, isn’t willing to work at it and make something with another person. I’ve been worried he doesn’t really want the responsibility that comes with being with someone. I worry he’s going to make me need him and then run away. Except he isn’t ex mr chop. And I need to remember that. Its not just that he seems to know what I’m thinking and says the right words, he actually acts on them. He knows that relationships take work and that a successful relationship takes communication and learning. He doesn’t see a problem and run away or ignore it, he faces it because he wants to fix it and makes me face it. He is already making me a better person by making me stronger, not just within us but in my head. He makes me believe in others again. He makes me believe in him and us. I think I’m making him a better person too by giving him someone who gives him confidence in himself, something I think he was really missing. We are not perfect, individually or together, but we both know that, we both accept that and we both (with him definitely leading the way) want to work at it, are willing to work at it. He accepts me for me, with all my flaws and doubts and fears. He doesn’t just accept them, he wants to help me with them, he believes I am someone who can be saved and am worth saving. Its so fucking corny and so fucking true.

I am going to miss him a lot over the summer but I’m surprisingly not sad. I think its because I might just believe in us and I know that no matter what, he is going to miss me a lot as well. My boyf is pretty damn awesome