Dream Land

So I had this dream the other night. In this dream I think I was somewhere in the UK. At the beginning I was in the bears tooth I think and ┬áthen I was in Tesco with mum. Finally I think I was in a mix of the West Quay and Dimond Mall and it was there that I ran into ex mr chop and instead of just walking past me; pretending I wasn’t there, he stopped and smiled. He smiled at me and asked how I was, how was I doing. He said it seemed like I was doing really well for myself and he gave me that smile, the one that let me know he was actually happy to see me, the smile that use to make me melt, feel like I was home and finally safe. It was the smile that would make me breathe a sigh of relief because he was finally with me again. The best thing about that smile wasn’t because of these reasons. It was because I knew he smiled because he was feeling all the same things. So, he gave me that smile and started to walk away but he was looking back and I knew he didn’t want to leave so I ran after him and said we should meet up the next day and he said yeah we should and looked straight in to my eyes and I knew everything was going to be ok. I woke up feeling light and happy and I realise now its because I woke up in love. I didn’t really think about why I felt so happy until I was driving to work and remembered that it had just been a dream and I was crushed. I honestly felt the loss of that dream with my whole heart.

I always miss him. In the back of my mind I’m aware of that but I don’t really think about it. This dream though, was so sharp and vivid, it was like a mental kick and everything I crush down every day just came straight to the surface. Sometimes I think my mind hates me; sometimes I feel like I’m serving a punishment that will never end.

Most of the time I can crush all ┬áthis down, forget its there, forget everything. Not always though. When its at its worst, when I slip up and forget to cover the cracks, I’m aware of a continuous muffled screaming. At first I don’t know what it is, I’m confused until I remember. Its me. Its that part of me thats bound to him and shes screaming for him to save her. She doesn’t really believe hes gone, that hes never coming back. She knows they are forever and she won’t stop screaming until he comes back. Shes loyal to him, she will never give up on him. It breaks my heart because I know the truth, I know he is not coming back, I know his forever was bullshit but its like nothing will get that through to her. It sucks and is such shit that she is really me, she is really that stupid hopeful part of me that will never give up.

And then there will be that magical lull where I have forgotten. It can be for an hour or a day or a few days of bliss where I just don’t care. Writing about it helps to, its like I can get it all out and feel peaceful for a bit. I just wish my heart didn’t still feel him, like he is actually here with me. That would be nice

Oh Sigh

I don’t know if its him I miss or just the familiarity of him or if talking to him makes me think of back home which makes me think of things I’m missing and then people I’m missing so by the end of a brief exchange with him, my head is completely fucked up. Cause I think may be I do miss him. But then I think well actually I don’t, he was a massive dick to me who ruined my life and became the catalyst for me moving away from everything and everyone I love and the worst part of all, made me fuck up things with ex mr chop. Good, now I’m angry. Who the fuck does he think he is, still trying to be a part of my life, still using me as a way to stave of boredom of a relationship doomed to fail. Doomed to fail cause hes a massive tart and a cheat and a user.

And ex mr chop is a penis.

Bah.

Jokesss

Aha, so was stressing about the whole cinema job thing but I’ve really wanted to show that I am being an adult and thinking about whats important so kept it and told them about my availability changes but didn’t quit, just said I could do fri-sat. Ok they said but then didn’t schedule me for last week and then today I get home and there’s a nice little letter firing me. Jokes! So now I get off of the second job thing scot free instead of just quitting and pissing dad and Kim off. Very happy course of events.

Job as Associate Editor is still great. Yeah, its a bit stressful having to juggle allll the different parts of my job plus all the bits of the Office Manager, plus being the go-to girl for everyone else and its even worse when I’m all fluey but its a good kind of stressful. The kind where you know you’re achieving something and are proud of it. I caught a massive printing error that saved the company thousands, I’ve booked signings for a book none of the sales people can shift, I’ve managed to navigate myself around bloody Indesign (bloody Indesign!! I never thought I’d see the day!). I’m proving to myself that I’m not a fuck up! That’s probably the best thing of all; I’m starting to feel like the good me again. The one who people are proud of, the fun one, the one who wants to jump around the house. I’m not saying I’m not massively tired at the end of the work day and can be a bit snappy and I’m not saying that I don’t get a bit flustered when the work is piling up a bit but I’m not going to pressure myself in to being perfect yet. I’m just taking it as it comes right now.

It’s just nice to be recognising some of me again