Been A While

So long in fact, that I am now a married woman. That’s right, you heard me, I took the plunge, got hitched, became a ball and chain. Possibly a bit of a spur of the moment decision which became an actual wedding conceived in a month, but I know we’re happy and that’s all that I want. For the both of us.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. That’s how I’ve always tried to be with this site, with my writing. I have totally reverted back to bad habits and I don’t know why. I dropped my classes for now because with the wedding stuff, I was basically going to royally fuck up my GPA. But I miss classes, I miss having the pride in myself of being in school and doing well. I feel less intelligent which is stupid. I’m just seriously dragging my feet around and I think it’s because I am so focused on moving (leaving AK to move to CA  for a year while hubby trains and then fuck knows where). I feel like I am on hold right now. I am definitely one of those people who lives in the future rather than the present, which can be seriously problematic when it means I’m not accomplishing anything in the present. I’m worried about myself. Not about being depressed, I’m not and haven’t been in a really long time, but about just stagnating and not doing anything about it. The only time I feel vibrant or alive is when hubby is home and we can hang out.

ex mr chop got engaged in December. I still find myself missing him from time to time, it was a little painful when I found out he was engaged. I am happy for him. I just can’t help but wonder if I will always wonder, just a tiny tiny part of me, whether it should have been us. But then I think no, he is with someone like him, and I am with someone who gets not only who I am but also what I need. Hubby understands me more than anyone or even more than I understand me, and it’s powerful and scary and the best feeling in the world. I am so worried he is going to find out what a fuck up I am and it will ruin us. Paranoia I’m sure though.

The run up to the wedding was pretty stressful, planning a wedding in a month is no small feat. Our engagement story isn’t an epic romantic ‘notebook’ kind of deal, but it makes me smile because it was so us. I’d been worried for months about his moving away and re-training, it was causing so much tension with us because I don’t like, trust, believe in, or want a long distance relationship, I think it is stupid to not be with the person you love (most likely a fall out of having dad in AK while we were in the UK). So then we both went to our homes for christmas, came back, and I finally really straightforwardly said I don’t want long distance, I love you, I want it to work, but I don’t think I can do it. So it’s a new day, he texts me, says he got his re-train placement and finally has a definite yes, as well as a leaving date. Oh. I shut the fuck down so fast I was even shocked. He got home that evening and I couldn’t barely look or talk to him, I’d never been that quiet before. So then he goes to bed and I don’t (another first, we always always go to bed together), but after a while I go in and I finally open up about how I’m proud of him, how I really do want the best for him, and he starts cuddling me and asks if it would be different if we got married. What do you mean I say? Would I come with him, would I leave AK and my family here behind? I said yes but we aren’t married, I need a realistic response and solution. So marry me. Two days later we got rings, one month later we got married.

Our love story is the opposite to my other love stories with the ex ex and ex mr chop. It’s less dramatic, less problematic, less childish, more real, more adult, more supportive. Hubby can handle my diabetes, my mood swings, my snarkiness. He doesn’t roll over, he lets me know when he’s at his limit. I feel most like myself with him. Which is awesome.

We adopted a cat who looks exactly like Buffy. Trust me, the irony of this is not lost on myself.

I went home in December and found out that Moo (who is still not talking to me even though I have sent a bunch of emails etc), is expecting a baby in April. So congrats Moo, I hope you’re happy. I wish I was there to see it or even for us to be talking in any capacity. So hit me up.

By the way, taking someone’s name in marriage is a huge pain of the arse over here.

This Is It?

I’ve had the house to myself for the past few days and will have it to myself till thursday. Music man went to see family for 10 days out of state, the roomies are on their cruise, and I am just sort of cooling my heels till school starts again in another week. This has definitely shown me that I need to a) make more people here in Alaska, and b) perhaps see about mending my relationship with chick and chica. I should also read some of the books in prep that I already have for school and find my scientific calculator.

I also can’t believe how much I miss my lover. I was so sad last night, going to bed has quickly become the shittiest part of my day, to the extent I keep staying up seriously late just so that I can avoid the whole sleeping alone part. I knew I would, I just didn’t think it would be so…consuming? I know that it’s even worse ’cause the last two weeks we basically spent every second together celebrating his birthday and then christmas, new years. We just hung out and smoked out (thankfully I was able to be more comfortable with him than I can remember being with anyone) and we were just, us. Yeah, we had some mini fights, nothing as bad as the whole twitter friend episode though and nothing that made me not want him.

Ok sooo there are some statements I want to make and they are terrifying to me and even saying (or writing) what’s going on in my head will probably tempt the fates. As much as I love him though, I’m still not 100% ready to really go there (I’m still not 100% sure he’s on the same page as me i.e. twitter girl, except I feel kind of shit holding that over him because in every other way, he’s been amazing to me).

I am possibly, horribly confused. He is amazing, he’s kind, warm, funny, sarcastic, interesting, sexy, and incredibly good to me. He takes care of me, and doesn’t make me feel like shit for letting him. He possibly makes me feel like I am unable to look after myself anymore though, as if I need him here. Which is why I am actually glad to have this break while he’s away. He definitely doesn’t do it on purpose, in no way would he want that, which is why I haven’t said anything.

I am very much in love with him. It worries me though that sometimes he really reminds me of ex mr chop, like some mannerisms and even his looks. Am I as in love with my music man as I think I am or am I in love with the ghost of ex mr chop? I don’t really think that’s true, there are vast differences between the two of them, most of which are insurmountably in music man’s favour.

Basically, no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect, we all have history, we all have flaws, and I need to love him as a whole, and not whittle down this relationship to fit in to what the standard ‘normal’ relationship is ‘supposed’ to be.

Definitely kind of lonely right now

The End Is Nigh, It Starts Tomorrow

We officially move in to the new place tomorrow, just have to get the remaining shite load of furniture over there and move in the most important feature of all (the bed).

Terrified. Really really terrified. Yeah, it is pretty much like we already live together, I don’t think I’ve had more than a few nights away from music man since we first met, he is always at mine, we cook together, we sleep together. But there has always been that security blanket of being able to tell him to leave if I needed or wanted, of him staying at his for a night and giving both of us space if we wanted or needed. Which we haven’t but now what if we do? What if he fucks up and we break up and still have to live together? What if I run out of money and have to move out, what will he or we do then? So many things to worry about, it’s sort of sucking the fun out of the fact we are moving in together.

I know he loves me. I know he does. But how fucking often has love been enough? How often has that trumped fucking someone else or stopping a break up? Living together, relying on each other monetarily, sharing bills, sharing accounts, these things have all fucked up relationships for me. Music man says that I’m worrying for nothing, that we will be fine, that he has no worries. I don’t want my worries to come between us so I’m trying to just think the way he does and be positive about everything.

Except at the back of my mind there will be craigslist and this ex girl of his. Who I shall name the clown (as her name really makes me think of a circus clown running around with an elephant). The clown was so obviously a love of his, it makes me nervous for there to be flirting between the two of them.

Is it me? Am I never enough? Cause I think I am. I think I’m a good girlfriend, I don’t take advantage, I’m fun, I compromise, I’m sexy. I think this is why I get mad, I am enough so there is no fucking excuse to look outside of our relationship. Maybe I am just too awesome….

I miss Moo. Who I guess isn’t really Moo anymore and is just ex twinny. Wow, that’s sad, ex twinny. That doesn’t feel right either, to me she isn’t ex twinny even if I am to her. I still have her pictures up, I still have her moo picture up. She is my moo and I’ll just keep waiting for her. I’m still totally pissed at the whole situation, if I had been a boyfriend she would have fought harder. Sad but true.

I’m worried I’m not going to be able to afford the new place which would completely suck as I have no desire to move back in with dad. I’d put up a tent and live through the winter instead. Or just live in my car which would make more sense.

The night before last I had this really random dream with chucky and I was okay for a change, the scarier thing was the appearance of ex mr chop. That hasn’t happened in a really long time, I think this moving in with music man dredged some stuff up. So of course I had as much of a snoop as I could on his profile and he looks happy, really happy. It makes me kind of sad. If I had been better, better at not being so angry, facing my issues, better with money, I wonder if it could have been me making him happy still. I know, after a very intense conversation with music man (a conversation which made me realise that me and ex mr chop would never have worked because it is music man I’m meant to be with), it was my fault that ex mr chop gave up. I was too messed up, too hard to crack. Music man knows me in ways I never thought I’d share and is still here. So yeah, seeing ex mr chop makes me a teeny bit sad and wistful but I know we are both where we are meant to be.

Although I do wish I wasn’t at work right now or had uni stuff to do or had furniture to move. Also possibly wish I was home. I did find out that maybe the statute of limitations is running out for me though! Silver lining

For The First Time In A Long Time

I haven’t been able to write here since what, two days after I met the music man and we’ve been together since. I know that no relationship is perfect, I know for sure that none of my relationships have been perfect. I really wanted to trust him completely though, I really wanted him to prove me wrong and in some ways he was even fucking worse than the ex ex and hurt me more than ex mr chop.

That stupid fucker posted pictures of himself online, asked for pictures of other girls from online, was a member of three different dating sites, one of which is the infamous Ashley Madison made to cheat site. He told me it was all for porn, all to get off, just something he’s done for years and not a big deal, he would never ever cheat and never wanted to. I get it, we all have fetishes and this was his. I say was because FUCK YOU IS THAT ACCEPTABLE TO DO BEHIND MY FUCKING BACK YOU ASSHOLE.

It’s feeling especially fresh today because I guess it wasn’t just about getting pictures and getting off.

I snoop. It’s a thing and it’s a thing that started with the ex ex and his ‘other phone’ and his groupies and flirting and meg and livi and feeling like the fat boring credit card shaped girlfriend. Then I met ex mr chop and I was fine until something felt wrong and I snooped and classily he had been googling how to break up with me. Sort of downhill from there. And then the music man and his weirdly possessive friend A. Who turned out to be an ex who didn’t quite know she was an ex, making me an unknowing other woman. That was the first little crack but I did understand the situation and to the most that I could, got over it. And it wasn’t until months later that I saw the Ashley Madison thing which wasn’t actually due to snooping for a change. Finding out all about that and plenty of fish and craigslist and pictures, that was snooping.

This happened and it was in August I found out and had it out with him. Took about a week of talking and serious consideration of breaking up. I’ve since then kept my distance from his phone and computer except for moments of complete fucking weakness which he doesn’t know about. Like being told he had stopped talking to A and hadn’t. That things between them were a lot more serious than he still has yet to admit.

Back on point. Stupid fucker left his computer here and I had one of those moments, fuelled by the fact we are signing a lease tonight to live together for the next year and I am so fucking scared that I am making this huge mistake cause even though I really love him, I think that due to past behaviour, he is going to really fucking hurt me. Badly. And now I will have to deal with the disaster of a break up with someone I live with. Yeah he did the dirty pic thing, yeah he’s stupid for sometimes leaving his face in. But that stupid fucking dirty little cunt went on to craigslist and started chatting up some rando girl, being all nice and flirty and jokey over the course of several days when he was away for work. He says he would never and has never cheated and yet there are messages suggesting a meet up. All for kicks of course. THAT STUPID FUCKER WHEN HE WAS AWAY FOUND SOME CHILD ONLINE (19) AND MESSAGED HER FOR DAYS AND DAYS PRETENDING TO BE THIS SINGLE NICE GUY WHEN HE WAS WITH ME. BORED ARE YOU? THEN FUCKING MESSAGE YOUR FUCKING STUPID PATHETIC GIRLFRIEND.

AND NOW I CAN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING CAUSE WE ARE SIGNING A FUCKING LEASE TONIGHT. And if I back out, the roomie are going to be really super mad and I’ll prob end up moving back in with dad and step-beast.

So I’m basically saying that living with my boyfriend who I keep saying I’m going to be with always, is pretty much the lesser of two evils?

I love him, I really do. I know that he loves me too. I just also know on some level, I don’t think I’m enough for him and I don’t think he’s the person he’s trying to be right now. I feel like this is the Alaska version of himself, or at the least it is himself but he misses being younger and less responsible? I don’t know. Most of the time I really feel like I know who he is and then I’m reminded of what a good liar he is. And then I think of the things he’s done for me for example, addressing my crazy and wanting to work with me to actually get through it and change it instead of ignoring me (the ex ex) or breaking up with me (ex mr chop). Which is pretty huge.

And then I am reminded of what a good liar he is.

I don’t know what to do. Every relationship is flawed, everyone has their little secret. I just know that I am really good at sticking it out with the wrong person for the wrong reasons and I will be damned to go through that again.

Welcome back to reality, only took 8 months!

Poem: By You

My breath escapes me, words are lost from me, speech is robbed from me,

By you my darling.

Hope made alive in me, smiles drawn out from me, joy instilled in me,

By you my darling.

What was once cold inside of me, flares with life in me, what was closed now opened,

By you my darling.

By you.

Oh. Oh No

I haven’t been struck by lightening since ex mr chop. Not only did I get struck by lightening today, I felt something come back alive in me that has been cold and buried for a really long time. That sensation of falling down a rabbit hole and inviting it? I haven’t wanted that in such a long long time and today I’m just going with it.

And I shall name him the music man. Haha, which is actually really perfect. He is just soooo easy to talk to! No odd silences because there was just soo much to talk about and he can just chat and chat and he’s so lovely to listen to. We have so much in common and he is pretty much everything that I know I need and want in someone. He has the humour and the banter, the same interests but will inspire me to grow. He has the charm without the smarm, he has the smile and the smarts, the sarcasm, fun. He is someone who I know would look after me but wouldn’t make me lose myself. Hes been through life, been through intense life situations, is an older sibling, knows what he wants, knows who he is. Hes the adult I’ve been looking for who isn’t completely there yet, hes still growing and so I can grow with him :). He is so sweet and lovely!! With him I feel that…spark. I haven’t felt that spark since the ex chop, I didn’t think I would feel the spark again!

I know it is really early days and who knows what the future is going to be like or if we will even make each other happy. Who knows if we are both honest about our intentions. Only giving it a chance will let me know though and even though I am terrified of what could happen and so scared of what I am feeling, I forgot how alive clicking with someone can make me feel, how hopeful and excited and amazed at how things can just happen. If I hadn’t taken a chance on him, if we hadn’t taken a chance on each other, than this would never have happened! Which is weird to think about, why him, why now? Am I ready? Am I worth it? I know I have a lot more to offer nowadays, I’m much less of a mess than I was. Already we’ve both broken boundaries with each other that we hide behind.

I can not wait to see how this one pans out!

Disbelief

I really can’t believe I came all the way back to see ex mr chop and it isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to see him. I’m not going to get that chat I’ve wanted since he left, I’m not going to see truth in what he’s told me over the years. It’s not just not going to happen either, it’s very clear from this that it won’t ever happen. It’s so disappointing.

It’s a good thing I’m going back next week, I’ve caused enough problems by being here as it is. Farmer boi is all mixed up in me and imagining a future that will never happen, once again being a bad seed for the ex ex, bro is pissed that I’ve had my old room while being here, had way too much ‘family’ time.

Finally met mr moo. I can see why she likes him and he definitely made an effort for my being there and was very hospitable. I don’t necessarily like the way he talks to her sometimes and he has a very obvious controlling side to him. But he has stood by her through everything she’s been going through and for that I am grateful to him.

Brighton this weekend which will be a laugh. Then a week and I am back to my reality

Something About You….

I don’t know what it is, but apparently, for some, there is something about me which makes the rules irrelevant and desire the only thing that matters. It’s sort of strange cause I don’t really get it, and it’s not like it works on the fucking people I want it to, but now two important people in my life have said it and then gone on to do things they wouldn’t with anyone else. I guess it only actually works on guys already in relationships though which is prob why I don’t have a significant other of my own. I just don’t get it. It’s like, and has been said, that with me it doesn’t count. I don’t count? Does it not count when it’s with someone you truly care about? Cause I’ve always been of the mind that it counts more when there are feelings involved. Does it not count when it’s with someone you’ve been with before? Do I just represent the freedom they long for and therefore it’s nothing to do with me per say at all. The ex ex said he likes to play with fire, so maybe being with me every so often actually strengthens his own relationship cause he’s gotten it out of his system. I know why with farmer boi, he’s wanted me for the past 10 or so years and with me being based in the US now, I think to him it was about the opportune moment. It really makes me wonder what these guys are missing from their lives that they seek solace in me? Is it things like this which make me hold back from a being in a relationship myself. Is everything doomed to end, does monogamy really work, is cheating inevitable, are breakups inevitable, does the loss of single freedoms ever get balanced or over-ruled by the stability of being with someone? Why bother when it’s just all going to end in tears. Are we all doomed to love the wrong person? All I wanted was ex mr chop and instead….yeah. All I still want is ex mr chop. I wish this ‘something’ bloody worked on him!!

I have a feeling that this trip home has succeeded in making me much more jaded than I was before

So Lame

I’m still pissed off but mainly I’m just sad. I thought something like this would happen and then after what happened with farmer boi the other night I knew that my karma was shot to hell as well. Even if that was a beautiful night with farmer boi which was a ‘what if’ that I’m glad I won’t have hanging over my head for the rest of my life. He made me feel beautiful and loved and I haven’t had that in a very very long time. It’s shit that even that amazing night still doesn’t stop me from being sad over ex mr chop but I guess as much as I love farmer boi, ex mr chop really is going to be the what if of my life and there is really nothing anymore to be done about it. Takes two to make the what if go away. All I wanted was a chance to see him and talk! All I wanted was some truth to the things he’s said to me! Part of me thinks maybe he did this on purpose. Maybe he actually couldn’t handle seeing me, that it would be to hard, and so he pushed me away on purpose. The other part of me is much more sure that he just ultimately didn’t give a shit and there it is. Usual behaviour from ex mr chop where he talks the talk because he gets bored and then when it comes time to put action to his words, he doesn’t because what he was chatting was bullshit in the first place.

My head is all over the place anyway thanks to farmer boi. So maybe one less distraction is what I need for my poor little bruised heart. Even if the fates have let me down, even if destiny isn’t what I thought it would be.

Good thing I know that I have a distraction waiting for me back in AK

Not Surprised Really

So ex mr chop didn’t really actually want to see me. I’m not sure why I believed he did or put myself out there but I did and once again was completely let down by him. I had farmer boi come down from leeds to see me, the ex ex keeps trying to see me, people from London want to see me, loverr came from brighton to see me. If ex mr chop did want to, he’d have made it happen but it wasn’t important so its not happening. I got really really angry (fueled by disappointment and sadness I’m sure) and told him to seriously not contact me again and I blocked him. I literally had two main people I was dying to see, him and moo. I don’t know why. I knew in my heart of hearts that he didn’t truly give two shits, so why am I so let down?? Such bullshit and I’m done.