Been A While

So long in fact, that I am now a married woman. That’s right, you heard me, I took the plunge, got hitched, became a ball and chain. Possibly a bit of a spur of the moment decision which became an actual wedding conceived in a month, but I know we’re happy and that’s all that I want. For the both of us.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. That’s how I’ve always tried to be with this site, with my writing. I have totally reverted back to bad habits and I don’t know why. I dropped my classes for now because with the wedding stuff, I was basically going to royally fuck up my GPA. But I miss classes, I miss having the pride in myself of being in school and doing well. I feel less intelligent which is stupid. I’m just seriously dragging my feet around and I think it’s because I am so focused on moving (leaving AK to move to CA ¬†for a year while hubby trains and then fuck knows where). I feel like I am on hold right now. I am definitely one of those people who lives in the future rather than the present, which can be seriously problematic when it means I’m not accomplishing anything in the present. I’m worried about myself. Not about being depressed, I’m not and haven’t been in a really long time, but about just stagnating and not doing anything about it. The only time I feel vibrant or alive is when hubby is home and we can hang out.

ex mr chop got engaged in December. I still find myself missing him from time to time, it was a little painful when I found out he was engaged. I am happy for him. I just can’t help but wonder if I will always wonder, just a tiny tiny part of me, whether it should have been us. But then I think no, he is with someone like him, and I am with someone who gets not only who I am but also what I need. Hubby understands me more than anyone or even more than I understand me, and it’s powerful and scary and the best feeling in the world. I am so worried he is going to find out what a fuck up I am and it will ruin us. Paranoia I’m sure though.

The run up to the wedding was pretty stressful, planning a wedding in a month is no small feat. Our engagement story isn’t an epic romantic ‘notebook’ kind of deal, but it makes me smile because it was so us. I’d been worried for months about his moving away and re-training, it was causing so much tension with us because I don’t like, trust, believe in, or want a long distance relationship, I think it is stupid to not be with the person you love (most likely a fall out of having dad in AK while we were in the UK). So then we both went to our homes for christmas, came back, and I finally really straightforwardly said I don’t want long distance, I love you, I want it to work, but I don’t think I can do it. So it’s a new day, he texts me, says he got his re-train placement and finally has a definite yes, as well as a leaving date. Oh. I shut the fuck down so fast I was even shocked. He got home that evening and I couldn’t barely look or talk to him, I’d never been that quiet before. So then he goes to bed and I don’t (another first, we always always go to bed together), but after a while I go in and I finally open up about how I’m proud of him, how I really do want the best for him, and he starts cuddling me and asks if it would be different if we got married. What do you mean I say? Would I come with him, would I leave AK and my family here behind? I said yes but we aren’t married, I need a realistic response and solution. So marry me. Two days later we got rings, one month later we got married.

Our love story is the opposite to my other love stories with the ex ex and ex mr chop. It’s less dramatic, less problematic, less childish, more real, more adult, more supportive. Hubby can handle my diabetes, my mood swings, my snarkiness. He doesn’t roll over, he lets me know when he’s at his limit. I feel most like myself with him. Which is awesome.

We adopted a cat who looks exactly like Buffy. Trust me, the irony of this is not lost on myself.

I went home in December and found out that Moo (who is still not talking to me even though I have sent a bunch of emails etc), is expecting a baby in April. So congrats Moo, I hope you’re happy. I wish I was there to see it or even for us to be talking in any capacity. So hit me up.

By the way, taking someone’s name in marriage is a huge pain of the arse over here.


There Is No Hope Left

I have this friend, he is (was) the epitome of that good amazing considerate white knight type of guy. Head screwed on straight, waited till marriage to pop his cherry, worked hard, managed to get a house at the age of 24, good Christian values (by this I mean a practicing Christian who doesn’t feel the need to push his religion down everyone’s throats, actually acted like a decent human being and doesn’t use his religion to feel better than everyone else). He got married young, 22, and I always knew it was fast and he was young and hadn’t had enough experience in life yet to be able to work at a marriage. For the past few weeks he’s been hinting to me how miserable he is and I had already guessed it was him not wanting to be married anymore. Today I got the full story. Not only did he not want to get married in the first place, before he even went through with the wedding he had met someone else. And is now stuck in hell because he feels obligated to stay with his wife but is in love with this other woman who he says is his soulmate and hes never felt like this before with anyone and can’t live without her.

I feel really sad for him because I know exactly what its like to not be able to be with your soulmate, I know exactly how it feels when you are struggling to breathe through the pain and can’t imagine a life without that person by your side. I wish I could have told him it gets easier but I’m still drowning and its been 2 years.

Then he went on to say how soon his wife will want a family and he won’t be able to do that with her. Oh and as for the other woman he’s fallen truly in love with, they have already snuck off and been making out. This stand up guy who I actually have used to judge other guys by. Are you fucking serious?? You can’t be fucking man enough to leave the non relationship because you don’t want to hurt her or either family but its ok to go sneaking around behind her back? Its ok to keep your wife in a loveless marriage where one day you will deny her, her family? Sorry bruv, grow a fucking pair and sort it out.

I sympathise with him, I really do. Leaving the ex ex for ex mr chop was really fucking hard and devastating. This was a guy I had been living with for years, who I thought was my future and then when I came face to face with the one I knew that I had to leave. I manned up, I took my licks for being the bad guy and I did it without cheating or sneaking around. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I will never regret doing it. So while a part of me sympathises, the other part wants to backhand him across the face. Vows are made for a reason and if you can’t respect them and can’t be true to them, do the fucking decent thing and walk away. Have the courtesy for this person who loves you to not make an even bigger fool of them.

This was the best guy that I knew and now hes just another one of those guys. I don’t really know what to do with that