The End Is Nigh, It Starts Tomorrow

We officially move in to the new place tomorrow, just have to get the remaining shite load of furniture over there and move in the most important feature of all (the bed).

Terrified. Really really terrified. Yeah, it is pretty much like we already live together, I don’t think I’ve had more than a few nights away from music man since we first met, he is always at mine, we cook together, we sleep together. But there has always been that security blanket of being able to tell him to leave if I needed or wanted, of him staying at his for a night and giving both of us space if we wanted or needed. Which we haven’t but now what if we do? What if he fucks up and we break up and still have to live together? What if I run out of money and have to move out, what will he or we do then? So many things to worry about, it’s sort of sucking the fun out of the fact we are moving in together.

I know he loves me. I know he does. But how fucking often has love been enough? How often has that trumped fucking someone else or stopping a break up? Living together, relying on each other monetarily, sharing bills, sharing accounts, these things have all fucked up relationships for me. Music man says that I’m worrying for nothing, that we will be fine, that he has no worries. I don’t want my worries to come between us so I’m trying to just think the way he does and be positive about everything.

Except at the back of my mind there will be craigslist and this ex girl of his. Who I shall name the clown (as her name really makes me think of a circus clown running around with an elephant). The clown was so obviously a love of his, it makes me nervous for there to be flirting between the two of them.

Is it me? Am I never enough? Cause I think I am. I think I’m a good girlfriend, I don’t take advantage, I’m fun, I compromise, I’m sexy. I think this is why I get mad, I am enough so there is no fucking excuse to look outside of our relationship. Maybe I am just too awesome….

I miss Moo. Who I guess isn’t really Moo anymore and is just ex twinny. Wow, that’s sad, ex twinny. That doesn’t feel right either, to me she isn’t ex twinny even if I am to her. I still have her pictures up, I still have her moo picture up. She is my moo and I’ll just keep waiting for her. I’m still totally pissed at the whole situation, if I had been a boyfriend she would have fought harder. Sad but true.

I’m worried I’m not going to be able to afford the new place which would completely suck as I have no desire to move back in with dad. I’d put up a tent and live through the winter instead. Or just live in my car which would make more sense.

The night before last I had this really random dream with chucky and I was okay for a change, the scarier thing was the appearance of ex mr chop. That hasn’t happened in a really long time, I think this moving in with music man dredged some stuff up. So of course I had as much of a snoop as I could on his profile and he looks happy, really happy. It makes me kind of sad. If I had been better, better at not being so angry, facing my issues, better with money, I wonder if it could have been me making him happy still. I know, after a very intense conversation with music man (a conversation which made me realise that me and ex mr chop would never have worked because it is music man I’m meant to be with), it was my fault that ex mr chop gave up. I was too messed up, too hard to crack. Music man knows me in ways I never thought I’d share and is still here. So yeah, seeing ex mr chop makes me a teeny bit sad and wistful but I know we are both where we are meant to be.

Although I do wish I wasn’t at work right now or had uni stuff to do or had furniture to move. Also possibly wish I was home. I did find out that maybe the statute of limitations is running out for me though! Silver lining

Thoughtful Mode

First weekend back at HAP was really  good; got two star of the moments, AM supervisor likes me, got to hang with heartbreak which was really fun. No manly prospects there cause they are all either ultrasounds (baha heartbreak, you crack me up) or on first name terms with mr.reaper. Not loving the new bag boys at the minute cause they seem disinclined to help with tallying which pisses me off when there are 6-8 of them standing around and then new girl heartbreak is nearing a stress meltdown. But I will kick them in to shape eventually.

After working at HAP though, I am kind of hating being back at TC. I dunno, I just don’t feel as excited or motivated to accomplish anything here, the boss man is fucking crazy, supervisor is a bitch, inventory guy is super stressful to be around, the work is just tedious. I’m kind of thinking that the plan is, once I know for sure that I’m going back to uni and thats all sorted, I’m going to hand in my resignation, work full time at HAP and then start school. I’m going to look for a part time job either on campus, at AK fitness or something close to home. If (on Thursday when I have my meeting with the uni guidance person) I’m told I can not do school till next year then obviously I will have to stick it out here. If I am told that uni is not really possible at all then I think I’m going to just leave AK. I might go to Seattle, I might go to Oregon or I might go back to the UK, work full time and live with moo. Who loves this idea the best aha. Yes I will miss little sis and bro and parentals but I came out to start over and if I can’t do that the way I wanted, I might as well go home and fix shiz there. I know now that I can and I’m capable. I know now that I can control my money and be a grown up. I miss moo, I miss UK. I don’t like American boys at all so theres nothing like that holding me back.

Maybe I’m just restless. Maybe I’m not a person that is meant to stay in one place for very long or maybe I’m the type of person who feels like if things are too sorted and placid that they need to be really shaken up. The thing is, I know once I have an idea in my head, it gets stuck there and niggles away at me until I do something about it. Christ, going back to the UK. Parentals would be pissed. And hurt. Mostly hurt I think. But again I don’t know, it would mean I wouldn’t be a burden on them anymore, they would have that extra room back and be able to be comfortable in their own home again. So yeah why don’t I just move out then? Cause I don’t want to live with people I don’t know, that thought it just horrendous to me.

If the college thing works out that would be amazing. I’m ready for it now, I’m ready to put the work in and I’m ready to start my future. I’m ready to be around people like me again. I’m ready to meet people who will eventually be good friends. I’m ready to not throw it all away this time, to not be controlled by a manipulative guy, to not put a guy above me and my needs and my goals. Being with the ex ex and going to uni was a mistake because he just used me as a maternal support system and I threw the whole uni experience away cause making him happy, not studying, not making friends, not putting things above him was more important. Cleaning up his messes and bailing him out time and time again basically ruined my life. And then jumping in to things with ex mr chop was like system overload. I feel like I have learnt from all of this.

I just wonder, what comes next?