I’m still pissed off but mainly I’m just sad. I thought something like this would happen and then after what happened with farmer boi the other night I knew that my karma was shot to hell as well. Even if that was a beautiful night with farmer boi which was a ‘what if’ that I’m glad I won’t have hanging over my head for the rest of my life. He made me feel beautiful and loved and I haven’t had that in a very very long time. It’s shit that even that amazing night still doesn’t stop me from being sad over ex mr chop but I guess as much as I love farmer boi, ex mr chop really is going to be the what if of my life and there is really nothing anymore to be done about it. Takes two to make the what if go away. All I wanted was a chance to see him and talk! All I wanted was some truth to the things he’s said to me! Part of me thinks maybe he did this on purpose. Maybe he actually couldn’t handle seeing me, that it would be to hard, and so he pushed me away on purpose. The other part of me is much more sure that he just ultimately didn’t give a shit and there it is. Usual behaviour from ex mr chop where he talks the talk because he gets bored and then when it comes time to put action to his words, he doesn’t because what he was chatting was bullshit in the first place.
My head is all over the place anyway thanks to farmer boi. So maybe one less distraction is what I need for my poor little bruised heart. Even if the fates have let me down, even if destiny isn’t what I thought it would be.
Good thing I know that I have a distraction waiting for me back in AK