The End Is Nigh, It Starts Tomorrow

We officially move in to the new place tomorrow, just have to get the remaining shite load of furniture over there and move in the most important feature of all (the bed).

Terrified. Really really terrified. Yeah, it is pretty much like we already live together, I don’t think I’ve had more than a few nights away from music man since we first met, he is always at mine, we cook together, we sleep together. But there has always been that security blanket of being able to tell him to leave if I needed or wanted, of him staying at his for a night and giving both of us space if we wanted or needed. Which we haven’t but now what if we do? What if he fucks up and we break up and still have to live together? What if I run out of money and have to move out, what will he or we do then? So many things to worry about, it’s sort of sucking the fun out of the fact we are moving in together.

I know he loves me. I know he does. But how fucking often has love been enough? How often has that trumped fucking someone else or stopping a break up? Living together, relying on each other monetarily, sharing bills, sharing accounts, these things have all fucked up relationships for me. Music man says that I’m worrying for nothing, that we will be fine, that he has no worries. I don’t want my worries to come between us so I’m trying to just think the way he does and be positive about everything.

Except at the back of my mind there will be craigslist and this ex girl of his. Who I shall name the clown (as her name really makes me think of a circus clown running around with an elephant). The clown was so obviously a love of his, it makes me nervous for there to be flirting between the two of them.

Is it me? Am I never enough? Cause I think I am. I think I’m a good girlfriend, I don’t take advantage, I’m fun, I compromise, I’m sexy. I think this is why I get mad, I am enough so there is no fucking excuse to look outside of our relationship. Maybe I am just too awesome….

I miss Moo. Who I guess isn’t really Moo anymore and is just ex twinny. Wow, that’s sad, ex twinny. That doesn’t feel right either, to me she isn’t ex twinny even if I am to her. I still have her pictures up, I still have her moo picture up. She is my moo and I’ll just keep waiting for her. I’m still totally pissed at the whole situation, if I had been a boyfriend she would have fought harder. Sad but true.

I’m worried I’m not going to be able to afford the new place which would completely suck as I have no desire to move back in with dad. I’d put up a tent and live through the winter instead. Or just live in my car which would make more sense.

The night before last I had this really random dream with chucky and I was okay for a change, the scarier thing was the appearance of ex mr chop. That hasn’t happened in a really long time, I think this moving in with music man dredged some stuff up. So of course I had as much of a snoop as I could on his profile and he looks happy, really happy. It makes me kind of sad. If I had been better, better at not being so angry, facing my issues, better with money, I wonder if it could have been me making him happy still. I know, after a very intense conversation with music man (a conversation which made me realise that me and ex mr chop would never have worked because it is music man I’m meant to be with), it was my fault that ex mr chop gave up. I was too messed up, too hard to crack. Music man knows me in ways I never thought I’d share and is still here. So yeah, seeing ex mr chop makes me a teeny bit sad and wistful but I know we are both where we are meant to be.

Although I do wish I wasn’t at work right now or had uni stuff to do or had furniture to move. Also possibly wish I was home. I did find out that maybe the statute of limitations is running out for me though! Silver lining

Dream Land

So I had this dream the other night. In this dream I think I was somewhere in the UK. At the beginning I was in the bears tooth I think and  then I was in Tesco with mum. Finally I think I was in a mix of the West Quay and Dimond Mall and it was there that I ran into ex mr chop and instead of just walking past me; pretending I wasn’t there, he stopped and smiled. He smiled at me and asked how I was, how was I doing. He said it seemed like I was doing really well for myself and he gave me that smile, the one that let me know he was actually happy to see me, the smile that use to make me melt, feel like I was home and finally safe. It was the smile that would make me breathe a sigh of relief because he was finally with me again. The best thing about that smile wasn’t because of these reasons. It was because I knew he smiled because he was feeling all the same things. So, he gave me that smile and started to walk away but he was looking back and I knew he didn’t want to leave so I ran after him and said we should meet up the next day and he said yeah we should and looked straight in to my eyes and I knew everything was going to be ok. I woke up feeling light and happy and I realise now its because I woke up in love. I didn’t really think about why I felt so happy until I was driving to work and remembered that it had just been a dream and I was crushed. I honestly felt the loss of that dream with my whole heart.

I always miss him. In the back of my mind I’m aware of that but I don’t really think about it. This dream though, was so sharp and vivid, it was like a mental kick and everything I crush down every day just came straight to the surface. Sometimes I think my mind hates me; sometimes I feel like I’m serving a punishment that will never end.

Most of the time I can crush all  this down, forget its there, forget everything. Not always though. When its at its worst, when I slip up and forget to cover the cracks, I’m aware of a continuous muffled screaming. At first I don’t know what it is, I’m confused until I remember. Its me. Its that part of me thats bound to him and shes screaming for him to save her. She doesn’t really believe hes gone, that hes never coming back. She knows they are forever and she won’t stop screaming until he comes back. Shes loyal to him, she will never give up on him. It breaks my heart because I know the truth, I know he is not coming back, I know his forever was bullshit but its like nothing will get that through to her. It sucks and is such shit that she is really me, she is really that stupid hopeful part of me that will never give up.

And then there will be that magical lull where I have forgotten. It can be for an hour or a day or a few days of bliss where I just don’t care. Writing about it helps to, its like I can get it all out and feel peaceful for a bit. I just wish my heart didn’t still feel him, like he is actually here with me. That would be nice

Poem: Stranger

Hello stranger, you’ve come just in time,

I was starting to think that you’d never arrive.

Hello stranger, where have you been?

That picture is worn now from all that its seen.

Hello stranger, is that really your face?

Its different somehow, older, more traced.

Don’t be a stranger, please don’t stay away,

I need you more now, in every way.

Short Story: Escape

The feeling of escape can be vital for a person’s sanity and can take many different forms; what unites us all is the desire to be saved from the need to lose ourselves.

She stands on the edge of the surf looking out over the black ink stretch of sea, a lonely figure on a cold night. She wonders what the few people walking past think of her standing there with her toes in the water, does she look distant, void or merely as if she is enjoying this time alone? She can feel the hollow space in her eyes, there is no light to shine out of her and it makes her feel a little sad that even her smile can provide no warmth for her own heart. The sound of the waves rolling over each other, hitting the pier and finally landing on the beach is so soothing she closes her eyes to it, letting the ebb and flow fill her mind, relaxing her thoughts and she breathes a sigh of contentment. She doesn’t cry even though she still feels shattered inside. She supposes she has used her allotment of tears and any more would just be greedy. Trying, trying so hard to keep it together, keep up the pretense of being a solid person. She wonders what it would be like to let go of it all and drift away, let the tide carry her out till she was nothing but a speck on the horizon. Would they miss her? Would anyone truly notice the absence of her in their lives? As always though, she shuts down these thoughts before they become too real and turns to walk back to the blanket she had abandoned and lays back down. Reaching above her head she tries to touch the stars, touch her star before the morning light could take them away. “Oh M”, she sighs, her whisper floating across the mostly deserted beach so soft yet so full of yearning. She stands, shakes out the blanket and makes her way up the cliff top ending another night out here alone, another night in a series that have been the same for months now. This is her escape.

The glasses are lined up on the bar in a neat row awaiting the chaos that will eventually come. He looks around the pier’s club at his drunk and leering friends, noticing a solitary girl walk past the window with a slightly haunted look on her face. He shakes his head pulling his attention back to the mission at hand, lifts the shot in time with his comrades and slams it back down as the burning sensation in his throat makes him wince. Another few rounds and they stagger to the dance floor taking command of it as if the club was made for them and this night. The music is loud and the beat pulses in his mind as he tries to remember what moves will make him look good, what will impress the lucky lady of tonight. He scouts around feeling like a lion picking the best choice of meat and spots her in the corner, alone and swaying in time to the music. He goes over and starts to grind against her, the typical mating dance of the young and inebriated. He buys them both more rounds, more drinking, more wooing and they both eventually fall out the door and in to a taxi that always magically appears just in time out front. They end up at hers as the golden rule is never to take one back to the lads and they go to her room so he can have his hard earned prize. She quickly falls asleep afterwards and he picks his way through the dark of her room collecting what pieces of clothes he can find, quietly closing the door behind him and makes his way home. He walks back with a smirk on his face, glad to have a story for the guys in the morning, glad to have had that moment of release. This is his escape.

She walks down to towards the beach to take up her nightly position. Something is in the air, something doesn’t feel the same as it has done before; the night feels like it has been waiting to start and her arrival is the beginning. She heads instead for the pier.

Tonight is different for him; tonight isn’t about conquests or badges of pride. He turns away from the doors, instead deciding to walk to the end of the pier tonight; he can always meet up with his mates later. This moment he needs for himself.

She stands at the end of the pier looking out over the water, black as ink and yet so inviting. Maybe that is what tonight is about, finally having the courage to finally let go and join her missing half in the stars. She stand on the bottom rail and leans out.

As he approaches the end of the pier he sees her; she seems entranced by her own thoughts and he notices how lost she looks. He stops and watches as she places her feet on the rail and leans out.

She is willing herself to let go and doesn’t even notice her body move up the rails, climbing further up, closer to her desires. She hears a movement behind her and it shocks her, stilling her progress. Clutching the rail she turns and sees him coming towards her, holding his hands out, shouting for her to stop. She turns away from him and looks back out in to the distance.

He runs closer and closer desperate to get to her in time. She is moving faster now, aware that he’s coming to stop her. She is at the top of the rail and he moves to grab her.

She is falling but something is wrong, she isn’t moving in the right direction. She expects the cold slap of a rolling wave, she waits for it to fill her lungs and drag her away. But she is falling in to his arms, she feels his warmth and the smell of him is what fills her lungs. She lets him hold her, moving only to look in to his face.

He manages to pull her towards him; she falls in to his arms and he clutches her so tightly, afraid that she will escape if he lets go. She goes still and for a few short minutes they stand holding each other, surrounded by the sound of the waves hitting the side of the pier. She moves and he looks down in to her eyes.

They lose themselves in this moment. They are each other’s salvation.

‘Romantic’ Is Such A Dirty Word

As much as I try to deny, as much as I try and make out I’m this cold hearted bitch, I’ve had to come to the realisation that actually I’m no more than a common romantic at heart. I think love is the most amazing emotion a person can possess, I truly believe that love makes everything brighter, happier, better. To me the best kind of love is grounded in friendship, strength, understanding. I don’t believe in love at first sight but I do believe in the spark. The spark is that instant wow where you know something amazing is about to happen, something that is going to change your world and who you are. Its the spark that eventually turns in to love, not even just with partners but friends. All the best friends I have, when I met them I thought yeah, you are someone I need to have in my life. The two most important relationships I’ve had started with the spark, both times were such chance encounters and both times left my head spinning. Those were the relationships that really developed in to something (the second relationship more than the first because he became my best friend so I already loved him when we became involved).

Don’t let anyone tell you what you feel, only you know. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re too young, love is love and its damn real to you when you’re feeling it.