A Smurfing Good Time

I am currently sat with a blue ‘clay’ face mask on that promises to ‘purify and cleanse’ my pores for up to 7 days. Smells nice at least but I do look like a badly made up smurf. Aha.

Day 11 of anti depressants and I’m still not overly sure there is a difference? The most noticeable effects would have to be I’m finding little things a bit more funny and my sleep has gone from not being able to fall asleep till 5/6am and waking up at 8/9am to not falling asleep till 5am BUT being able to stay asleep once I’m under (however I am now not waking up till 11am and am losing half my day. Slightly annoying when I am trying to turn over a new leaf and actually make it in to uni early).

Am totally craving a thorpe park/alton towers trip. Seriously. I can’t think of anything more fun right now then losing myself in a fast, high, scary ride session! Was invited to M’s thorpe park thing but am sooooo skint till finance comes through (plus have a lot of work to be getting done. Not that, that would have stopped me if I could have afforded to go aha).

Have been looking at a few flats and have found one that I am so in love with, its madness. A 3 bed flat in lansdowne, got views, got a nice kitchen with table, student friendly and these double bedrooms that are amazing. One has 360 degree views and is all windows and light and the other has a massive frigging balcony and I can just imagine us putting a table and chairs out there in the summer, working on our dissertations, having drinks. Seriously want this flat. Then there’s the flat that M found in charminster, really nice living/dining room, really nice rooms, nice kitchen, great location. Plus a lot cheaper than my dream flat. I want us to look at both of them though, see what the feelings in our bones say and go from there. Love love love both places!

Mmmmm summer is soooooo close! Totally pissing it down but it still smells all fresh and light. Can’t wait!!

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Forgotten Who I Am…

I am a girl who wants to be able to love both her parents

I am a girl with some of the best friends a person could have

I am a girl with the most amazing and special soul sister a person could ever wish for

I am a girl lucky enough to have known true love

I am a girl who loves to read

I am a girl who loves music, loves to go dancing, loves gigs and festivals

I am a girl who is comfortable about the subject of sex

I am a girl who loves to listen and give advice if I can

I am a girl who is fiercely protective over my friends

I am a girl who loves amusement parks and scary rides

I am a girl who loves baileys

I am a girl who loves bournemouth, london and new york

I am a girl who loves movies, movie nights and snuggling up to scary movies

I am a girl who loves my Jewish heritage and wishes I could celebrate it more often

I am a girl who hides my real feelings and intentions

I am a girl often misunderstood because of this

I am a girl whose mother thinks is extremely selfish

I am a girl who has spent a lifetime trying to protect my mum without her knowing, often choosing her happiness over my own

I am a girl who has spent a lifetime defending my mum even when I think she’s wrong

I am a girl who has had to hide my feelings for my dad and hurt him in the process

I am a girl who has always been torn in two directions

I am a girl who felt it was my responsibility to be the strong one and not burden anyone with my problems

I am a girl who is now suffering because of that

I am a girl who is lost

I am a girl with no clue about the future

But ultimately, I am a girl who is working on coming back 🙂

So Much To Do!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! In the next week I need to do a complete dissertation proposal, do my placement logbook, get my options in and do my 1250 word feature assignment AND THEN put it in to an indesign double page magazine spread which I am totally screwed for cause I have NO IDEA how to use indesign!!! Fuuuuuuuuuck! Aha this so teaches me to not get other people to do my work for me cause if I ever have to re-create that work, I am totally shafted!! Well wish now that me and ex mr chop were friendly cause am in need of IMP like skills! I wonder if moo’s lover has some spare time……

Bad moochop times indeed!

Oh Summers Past

This just makes me think of the bbq and how it turned in to a massive sort of bonfire cause everyone was freezing. Aha, is it done yet, is it done yet, NO GO AWAY YOU VULTURES! Jokes. loverr and loverr’s lover came down which was awesome, everyone just got so fucked. And then the epic failed attempt at trying to take this piss out of this song aha, gaaaaaash. Funny how appropriate the song is now.

Good times.

Day 6 of being on anti depressants and so far don’t really notice any difference except a bit of a dodgy stomache and feeling like I want to burst in to tears every 10 minutes. Like I said, no difference. I’ve been told it can take up to 2 weeks for them to kick in properly though so I am going to keep going. I have to phone my GP on monday to let her know how its going and hopefully she will be able to give me the generic assessment appointment. Feeling pretty much the same about everything, trying my hardest not to show it though and not to act like it, trying to make jokes and keep it light when really inside I feel….nothing. I feel empty and dark, like inside of me in this black hole that is swirling around, sucking everything about me and anything good in to it. Its a catch-22 really; I am lost in a void that is me. But I am forcing myself to go out, to see people, to at least go to the uni library and do some work. I am trying to take some sort of control back, a bit at a time and for that I’m proud. I even bought a Times paper today in an attempt to start caring about what’s going on in the world again!

Really tired today. Am trying to not have a nap or anything though so that maybe I’ll sleep tonight? Not to sure how many more nights of falling asleep about 4/5am and getting up at 8/9 I can handle! I wish that I had someone to cuddle me to sleep, I find it so much easier to drift off when someone else is with me, even when I’m staying over at moo’s and she’s on one sofa and I’m on the other, I actually fall asleep so quickly and stay asleep. I guess it’s cause I feel…safer? I’m so used to taking care of myself but falling asleep in someone’s arms was the one time that I would fully let down my guard and trust the other person to protect me I guess. I’m pretty sure this sleeping thing stems from ex mr chop leaving me cause I haven’t slept properly since then; from heartbreak to loneliness to depression. 3 easy steps to insomnia aha.

Tired now and time for some come dine with me, wooop!

They Make My World Go Round

Was having a little flick through my pictures cause its 1am, I am once again not sleeping and was therefore a little bored. Which then got me flicking through beach break pics, went over to moo’s collection and I realised as I was looking through them, fuck me I love my friends. I miss being around them soooo much, I miss my moo, I miss being able to hang out when ever I felt like it. My people are my glue and I honestly do not know what I would do without them, without moo. She is my sister and I so can not wait to live with her!!!! Ahhhhh! Seriously going to be the best year yet come September. 6 months, not long!

Miss moo, miss ria, miss the girls, miss Bournemouth, can’t wait to go home!! =D

Don’t Talk To Me, I’m Smarter Than You

My problem is, I have a hard time respecting or listening to someone if I feel like I am smarter than they are.

After letting loose a lot of what I’ve been holding back from mum the other day; the dark stuff, the hole, the bad thoughts, I think I scared her and she badgered my GP for an emergency appointment today where I then got referred a few hours later to go and have an initial assessment by this counsellor guy and was given a prescription for some anti-depressants. Ergh. Anyway, I relented because something does need to be done and I’m not helping the situation by hiding in bed all day.

So off to the counsellor man we went. My appointment wasn’t for an hour and a half or so but I knew if I went home I would never go.

He was a big fat pile of wank who talked at me, didn’t listen to what I was trying to say to him, tried to connect with me in the most intolerably patronising way, didn’t get me at all, didn’t seem to want to try. Told me he didn’t seem to think I had any serious issues and got treated as if I’m just in a bit of a slump. Within ten minutes of talking to him I had already shot mum a look as if to say ‘him? ummm no’. The fact there were so many openings for him to really understand what issues I’m going through which he just sort of ignored, even though they were so obvious, made me think a lot less of him and there went the respect. In the most polite way I could manage, I told him I wanted to talk to someone else and have a more in depth talk cause all we did today, all that he judged my situation on was a really short snap shot of time which achieved nothing. So now I am going for a generic assessment with someone who hopefully know what the fuck they are talking about. He told me that if I haven’t heard from anyone in a few weeks to ring. I told him that isn’t acceptable, that I am not safe to wait any more time and this needs to be done now.

Knobhead.

This is me fighting to get myself back. I’m not taking any shit anymore, I’m not waiting months for things to be sorted. I’m done being patient, I’m done risking more of my health and sanity for the NHS basically. They might want to chuck some pills at me and say good luck but I actually want to get better and I’m not accepting that as a fix

Tired Of It

I am so tired of the doctors and the NHS. I have been having test after test, blood samples after blood samples. I have been waiting patiently to get anything sorted, to have any sort of results and I thought today would be it and that I would finally have the set of results I NEED to be able to move on to the next round. Were they in? No of course not. And after some investigation apparently due to my last freaking stupid name being misspelt, I have a random hospital persona thats been messing up with my results as results have been sent for that ‘person’ and being lost in the great NHS hole. Not only that but my specialist nurse who I’ve had for the past 10 years, who was investigating some pretty personal things for/with me and who I haven’t been able to get hold of for the past month or so, has bloody left the hospital and gone away to a new hospital without saying a fucking word!! I was so hurt, shes been my nurse for years, she was one of the only people at the hospital I trusted and she left without even a goodbye let alone a warning that someone new, someone I don’t know and have never met will be taking over my case.

Wicked.

Its hard to give a shit about your health, about fighting the shit when the professionals who know how serious this shiz is don’t give a fuck and the people you trust just vanish. I give up though, I’m not doing the same tests for the fourth time, I’m not waiting around for more results that are never going to come. If the worst happens, the worst happens and I just don’t care anymore. I would rather live without constantly being scared and nervous and frustrated about results and tests.

I’ve tried going to my GP, I’ve tried to get counselling, I’ve tried asking for help and its just not there. I’m not trying anymore, I’m to tired. I’m not going to give up on myself but I am giving up on believing that there are people out there to help me. I have me and thats just going to have to be enough. I have mum and my people and thats what keeps me going which is good, having a purpose is good.

Discouraging yes. But I’m not being dragged down by it anymore